The first job I ever had was at Little Caeser’s Pizza. I was just a burgeoning bitterling at 15 and my dad told me I had to get a job. The only reason I got the job was because the manager was new and he didn’t really know what he was doing either. He didn’t last long and neither did I. I got pepperoni pizza fired. It wasn’t that I was particularly bad at my job, it was that I ate all the pizza. Just kidding. I was bad at what I did, but no one ever really trained me. Typical.
You might’ve guessed that I’m not the healthliest eater. If you’ve come to that conclusion, you and Captain Obvious are probably best buds. I’ve always been one to avoid salads, not because they are healthy for me, but they are super gross unless topped with pizza. People always give me a hard time for liking pizza more than salad. I would more call me a visionary. Ahead of my time.
Why you might say? Well, if you’ve been paying attention to the news like I haven’t been, you’ve seen reports that Romaine lettuce, which is a part of most lettuce, is full of E. Coli.
The last time I checked, E. Coli isn’t good for you. Yet, all you lettuce advocates have been trying to stuff that terrible tasting, disease riddled stuff down my face for years. I think it’s just a matter of time before we find out that Kale has been trying to kill us for years by trying to give us a food poisoning. In fact, it was probably invented by a guy named Kale in a lab and called a superfood, just so some of you health nuts would try it, thinking you were going to extend your life. All the while it is trying to kill us.
I think I’m going to stick with the safer option of Pepperoni Pizza, the good tasting food that is only trying to kill me over time, thank you very much.
If a food is going to kill you, at least it should taste good, Romaine.
Bitter E. Coliless Ben