Lettuce Talk about this Bitterness

The life bringer.

The first job I ever had was at Little Caeser’s Pizza. I was just a burgeoning bitterling at 15 and my dad told me I had to get a job. The only reason I got the job was because the manager was new and he didn’t really know what he was doing either. He didn’t last long and neither did I. I got pepperoni pizza fired. It wasn’t that I was particularly bad at my job, it was that I ate all the pizza. Just kidding. I was bad at what I did, but no one ever really trained me. Typical.

You might’ve guessed that I’m not the healthliest eater. If you’ve come to that conclusion, you and Captain Obvious are probably best buds. I’ve always been one to avoid salads, not because they are healthy for me, but they are super gross unless topped with pizza. People always give me a hard time for liking pizza more than salad. I would more call me a visionary. Ahead of my time.

Why you might say? Well, if you’ve been paying attention to the news like I haven’t been, you’ve seen reports that Romaine lettuce, which is a part of most lettuce, is full of E. Coli.

Stay back, you demon spawn of Satan.

The last time I checked, E. Coli isn’t good for you. Yet, all you lettuce advocates have been trying to stuff that terrible tasting, disease riddled stuff down my face for years. I think it’s just a matter of time before we find out that Kale has been trying to kill us for years by trying to give us a food poisoning.Β  In fact, it was probably invented by a guy named Kale in a lab and called a superfood, just so some of you health nuts would try it, thinking you were going to extend your life. All the while it is trying to kill us.

I think I’m going to stick with the safer option of Pepperoni Pizza, the good tasting food that is only trying to kill me over time, thank you very much.

If a food is going to kill you, at least it should taste good, Romaine.

ARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter E. Coliless Ben

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26 thoughts on “Lettuce Talk about this Bitterness

  1. Right on, BB!!! πŸ™‚ Power to the Pepperoni!!! πŸ˜›

    People who are eating greens (like lettuce and kale) are eating your food’s (pigs, cows, chickens, etc.) food! So lay of the greens, people! πŸ˜€

    HUGS!!! πŸ˜›

    Like

  2. But but but but… Kale is so goooooood! D: And since the discovery of it (I think) the Netherlands have used kale stew and a special sausage as their National Dish. And I eat it all the time! D:

    If I end up dead before I’m 40, we’ll know what did it!

    Like

  3. It’s a known fact as of right now cause I said so that the easiest place to get ill it to visit the salad bar. I like pizza but I am rather a pizza snob, I like fresh mushroom, real cheese, home made crust, no meat….you hate me right?

    Like

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