Tum’s Bitterly Favorite Day

Favorite day of the year!

Favorite day of the year!

Early in September, when Tum’s feel the first chill of fall, they feel a tingle in their calcium infused hearts.  Summer is a bitter season for the Tum’s because people do things like spend time outside and exercise.  Food is consumed, but people work it off by going hiking, swimming(half an hour after anyways) and canoeing.  Tum’s lay slowly decaying on their wooden shelves, encased in their plastic prisons dreaming of a day where someday they can live the dream.  The dream of being a hero, of fighting the evil indigestion of stomachs across the land.

The Epic Bitter Battle of Heartburn begins!

The Epic Bitter Battle of Ben’s Bitter Heartburn begins!

Some will expire along the way, never fulfilling the dream.  However, if they work out and become extra strength enough, they may make it to the fall, where people start eating more and exercising less.  It is in this fall season that the cherry flavoreds and the berry flavoreds put their bitter stomach relieving feud to the side. There may be a chance to be called into hero duty, for an extra long candy eating session, or maybe a Hanukkah or out control Kwanzaa party where the humans have consumed one too many appeteasers.  Some claim the Christmas dinner to be the most prestigious meal of bitter food being consumed.  However, if a Tum’s was asked of their truest desire, deep in their chalky hearts, they could not deny their truest wish is the post Thanksgiving Day meal.

All just for the slim chance that they may get the chance to fight Bitter Ben's heartburn.

All just for the slim chance that they may get the chance to fight Bitter Ben’s heartburn.

When The Day comes, Tum’s get their Special Thanksgiving day label delivered, where they pour over the biggest Thanksgiving people sale.  The ultimate prize of course being the chance to fight in the Bitter Belly of Bitter Ben as he is the world’s biggest pig.  Most Tum’s don’t dare brave the month long lines because only a few tickets are handed out for the privilege of fighting his indigestion, heart burn and acid reflux.  But for the elite few that brave the elements and the lint in his pockets they will be the true heroes of Black Bitter Heart Thursday.

This is the season of thankfulness.   You know what I am thankful for? I’m thankful that most Tum’s don’t get the special opportunity to relieve my bitter stomach and I get to bitterly disappoint the billions of Tum’s that don’t get to save me.  Go disappoint some Tum’s today!

Arrrrgggghhhh

Tumbitter Thanksgiving Ben

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35 thoughts on “Tum’s Bitterly Favorite Day

  1. FYI: Up here in the Great White North, Thanksgiving does not get the pageantry and recognition that Americans give it. We also celebrate it back in on a different day and month, just to be different. In recent years, we started having Black Friday (because who doesn’t like standing out in the cold, CC in hand) sales just as you do, though our go-to retail maelstrom occurs on Dec 26 Boxing Day. I find myself envious of the fervour and excitement that your holidays generate, esp Thanksgiving. BTW I love roast turkey and we will prep it on other days than Xmas or Thanksgiving. Love your posts Ben!

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    • I heard about your Canadian Thanksgiving being in October. So do you just do Black Friday on the same day as we do? Are people confused about why everyone is rushing to stores on a random Friday in late November? It is funny how we get so obsessed by good deals and crazy crowds here.

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  5. Hm….now I know what to fill my husband’s Christmas stocking with this year. All day yesterday he sat on the couch grumbling, “I can’t breathe! I’m having a heart attack!” I was like, um, no, you just ate your weight in turkey…

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  6. Tums and I have parted since I began a vegetarian, and also stopped eating salad before meals (your stomach will thank you). I realize being a vegetarian not something you aspire to, but since you seem to be best bitter buddies with your Tums, thought I’d throw it out there. 🙂

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  7. I got nothing. I had a wonderful meal, which I didn’t cook. I beat my nephew at Hearts but lost to the other 4 people. I got massive leftovers carefully packed so I don’t have to cook for a couple of weeks…I really have no reason to be bitter. Dagnabit!
    Oh wait…I have no Tums! Shoot, all the stores are closed! And I just found out the Raiders lost. Now I’m bitter. It’s a hard thing to be a Raiders fan.

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  8. Ok you are just tooooooooo friggin hilarious!!!! I try to avoid giving those tum guys an opportunity but when my stomach is bitter I use the competition Zantac! No messing with those guys! 🙂

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