I guess I should probably tell you that I finally got a job and just as there are perks (I get paid money to do things) there are also the regular non-perks. The main non-perk is the same non-perk that almost every other job has. Other people. If it wasn’t for that and the whole driving to get there thing, it might be actually worth doing. Anyways, we all have to deal with people, so we might as well blog about them right?
I imagine that for super intelligent people like you, it is pretty easy for you to imagine what I am like, because you know my name, Bitter Ben. You can probably imagine the look on my face when I wake up in the morning, when I eat my bland cereal, when I get dressed in my same old clothes, when a driver cuts me off, and when another abandoned construction site again makes me squeeze four lanes of traffic into two. It’s easy, because my mom and dad had the foresight to name me Bitter Ben.
My question is, “Why didn’t all parents have the foresight to name their kids right?” I wish all of them had, so we could just remember people’s names much better. If everyone was like that, this is how my mornings would go.
“Oh, hey, how is it going this morning, Walkstooclose? Did you want me to slow down so you can get by, and I can be less uncomfortable?”
“Actually yeah, sorry about that. It’s just that when I was a kid, I got separated from my mom in the grocery store and after that she started calling me Walkstooclose. Anyways, I was just going to help someone with their computer.”
“Hi, Laughsateverything, did you have a good weekend?”
“Holy Cow that is so funny. HAHAHAHHA! You will never believe what I did last night!”
“Watched a comedy?”
“HAHAHAH! No, I did some laundry. Isn’t that funny?”
“Yes, I would have you tell me more about that, but I have to get back to my desk, to uh, fall asleep filling out some excel files.”
“Oh my gosh, that is so funny! HAHAHAH!”
“Hey, Bitter Ben. Can you believe what Trump said last night? And that scandal thing in the Gubernatorial Race? I can’t believe the amount of money we spend for defense in this country. And did you go to that rally last night?”
“Oh hey, Political Paul. No I had a thing at church last night. Didn’t catch all that.”
“Oh, my gosh, that is so offensive. You cannot barrage me with all your religious proselyting and all your religiousy stuff. You people are the worst. I mean seriously.”
“Hey guys, what are we talking about?”
“Nothing really, Pokeherheadineveryonesbusiness. I was just listening to Political Paul go ape nuts about something. Wasn’t really paying attention. You should repeat what you said to Pauline Pokeherheadineveryonesbusiness, Politcal Paul, while I sneak out to go to the bathroom and not return for 20 minutes.”
“Hey how is it going Lateeverydayforwork?”
“Oh my gosh, traffic was the worst. There was this big pothole and my wife had a thing I had to take her to and the dishes never got done and my car was making this noise and I just couldn’t make it on time.”
“Oh that is crazy. I mean it must be hard to make it here by 10 am when you live 5 blocks away and you just got a new car and you had one dish in the sink. That must make it so hard to be on time. It probably has nothing to do with the angry customer that was going to call you at 9 this morning that I had to cover for you.”
Are there any workers at your job, or at your church or at your political places, that you would rename if you had the chance? Hit me up in the comments.
Bitter Renamer Ben