Today is the oldest I’ve ever been in my history. Because of this unforseen difficulty, your regularly scheduled Bitter Rivalry of the Week has been interrupted to bring you some not nearly as good content instead(kind of like when an update on the White House interrupts an episode of Community). Unfortunately, a yearly tradition overrules the weekly one, and since it is the 44th anniversary of my bitterness, that wins. This award-winning post is about giving you one bitter thing for every year I’ve been alive. Just wait to see how boring this post will be when I turn 75. Until then, these 44 random things will have to do.
1 – Pop music. It is neither music, nor for pops.
2 – Framing. Either for pictures or for revenge movies, kind of done with it.
3 – Snow – Which decided to show up all winter, and for some reason decided to show and ruin today as well.
4 – Swords – As in I sword of have to go.
5 – Ties – Some say they are for formal occasions, I call them nooses.
6 – Curtains – Soul purpose is for keeping the sun out, can’t even do that.
7 – Piazza – an open square in an Italian town. And one letter away from pizza. So one letter away from being cool, and in turn not.
8 – Cords – Even for Cordless things, there are lot of cords.
9 – Applications – Like taking a test, but not getting any reward for them, except the possibility of having to work for someone you will resent someday.
10 – Apps – So many useless ones, like the one that has a phone icon on it, that says phone underneath it.
11 – White Chocolate – Dark Chocolate I can see, or Milk Chocolate, but white?
12 – Ratings – Thumbs up, stars, 1-10, it doesn’t matter which way you do it, still no one cares how much you like it.
13 – Polo – Horsing around, hitting a ball with a stick.
14 – Jelly – Ruins a perfectly good Peanut Butter sandwich, also a way dumb name for being jealous.
15 – Satellite – Billions of dollars so they can put one in the sky, so I can still find nothing on TV.
16 – Dishes – Those formal things that sit in your cabinets that collect dust until the President visits.
17 – Covers – What is your cover story? Mine is that I need to be under them right now.
18 – Relish – The only thing I relish is wiping it off my hot dog.
19 – Opera – Too many high notes, the only thing worse than Opera is Windows Explorer.
20 – Oprah – The only thing she doesn’t OWN is a sense of humor.
21 – Storage Wars – What is it good for?
22 – Security – A system in which loud they provide loud honking and beeping after the criminals leave from robbing your house.
23 – Followers – We are always trying to get them on social media, trying to get rid of them on our way home.
24 – Space – There is way too little of it between me and you right now.
25 – Rutabaga – I assume it is some sort of food. I assume that since it is probably a vegetable, it was growing in dirt and that it tasted worse.
26 – Court – Whether it has a jury, or a place where a jester is trying to tell jokes, it’s a place I don’t wanna be.
27 – Smiling – So many muscles to smile, so much easier to frown.
28 – Wind – Pushy little punk. Always making those cloudy days even more bitter.
29 – Limo’s – Not even enough room inside to build a pillowfort or an entertainment stage.
30 – Lamp shades – They can barely cover a 100 watt lightbulb, let alone the sun.
31 – The second toe – How is it that it is taller than the big toe?
32 – Beats by Dre – How is it that he made way more money selling these headphones that fall apart than his music?
33 – Birds – If I didn’t ask for my alarm to be set, why would the birds think it was okay to wake me up?
34 – Rugs – The only thing they are good for is pulling from underneath people.
35 – Mirrors – I ask for what I look like exactly, it does the opposite.
36 – Hair – It leaves the one place I need it, on my head, and goes everywhere else, including my sink.
37 – Paper – A child of trees, and we all know how I feel about trees, so…
38 – IT – The Stephen King Novel/Movie, or the Information Technology, or just the two letter word, IT all makes me bitter.
39 – Mice – Those dang things are always dirty. And they are always clicking on the wrong link.
40 – Rocking someone’s world – Seems a little bit of a stretch. You would need to have a huge amplifier to even get noise to reach your neighbor’s yard, let alone the whole world.
41 – Golf – What other sport tells you that you are doing well when your score is negative.
42 – Grey – Not a good color on you, or the sky. And can’t even figure out how to spell itself. Gray or Grey.
43 – Air Flow – There is way to much of it coming from your mouth.
44 – Creeks – That sound you make every time you walk or move your neck.
Wow, I’m surprised you made it all the way to the end of this. I fell asleep half way through, and I wrote all these things. Speaking of laziness, I have to go do some of it. That and I have to answer all these calls today on my least favorite app, the phone way and pretend that I’m so glad people called to wish me a happy Bitter anniversary. So bye.
Bitter 44 Reasons to Be Ben