The classic face off.
You may not notice this thing that happens in movies, but there is a strong thread that keeps action movies going. In the beginning there is some sort of balance that keep the protagonist and the antagonist from killing each other. No matter how large the odds are against one side or the other, each side holds one tiny card that they can deal out if necessary to save their side of the cause.
…I mean the FBI.
For instance, a bad guy can be surrounded by the entire FBI, but he can keep the balance by keeping one little bomb attached to his chest. Or, he can keep a little remote control on hand that will start the zombie apocalypse with his computer in a remote location. It’s similar to when one country doesn’t nuclear bomb another country because then there would be retaliation and this whole world would end. It’s that weight and balance that keeps us from flat out killing each other.
This whole boring explanation was to make the stupidest point ever. Basically everyone is smarter, funnier, more talented, faster, jumpier and more handsome than me, but I carry one small trump (not Trump) card that keeps people from burying me in the sand. I have the Bitter power of the Jinx.
I jinx thee.
Didn’t get that promotion you were hoping for? Probably gave me some work that day. Didn’t win the lottery? 2:1 odds that was my fault. Car didn’t quite make it to the shop? You bet your carburetor that was me. Living in a van down by the river? Call me the Matt Foley of jinxers. You can blame me all the way up and down the coast of the Potomac River, because if anything bad happens to you, it’s my superhuman ability to jinx you.
Just yesterday, a co-worker blamed me for making him late or some garbage and of course I was fine with that. But he kept saying it, so I jinxed him. Almost immediately the phones started lighting up for him and he received 12 calls in the first hour, when normally he would just get 2 or 3. I kept laughing at him and whispering, “It’s the jinx. You should never mess with me…”
And you know how when you say things at the same time as someone else and you are supposed to say, “Jinx, buy me a Coke, 1,2,3…”. You better win that against me or you really will be cursed with the ability to not talk for the rest of your life until I say your name. And I’m really bad at names.
You will not be able to talk ever again.
Don’t think that you are safe from the jinx just because you don’t work or live near me either. I have the ability to jinx anything or anyone through the internet too. Companies, bloggers, Twitter, Facebook, they are all vulnerable. Remember the housing crash of 2008? Someone raised our rent that year. Remember when the internet bubble burst around 2001? Someone denied giving me http://www.bensbitterblog.com that year.
Remember when you bought all those tickets for the lottery and thought you were going to win a billion dollars? Didn’t happen right? That happened because you didn’t buy that extra content on my blog post a few weeks ago.
Don’t be jealous of my jinx ability though. Because with the power of jinxing it comes back twofold on me. As soon as I jinxed my co-worker, I got twice as many calls, and more paperwork appeared on my desk. Leave it to me to have the one ability that hurts me twice as bad as the benefit.
ARRRRGGGGGHHHH
Bitter Jinxed Ben