I am not a multi faceted personality. I am about as interesting as watching toast flavored, grass colored paint drying. I might appear on social media as only a boring dude, but that is because I’m only posting the highlights of my personality. If you followed me around in real life, first of all quit stalking me, but second, you would see that I am the opposite of the guy in the Dos Eqius commercials. I am the most Uninteresting Man in the World. And it isn’t even close.
My kids fall asleep whenever they even anticipate me entering a room. Restaurants close in the middle of the day whenever I come near because they want to ATTRACT customers. And did you know that Seattle used to be sunny all the time before I moved here? Do you have any idea why clouds are so angry looking? Because they have to take turns hovering over me and they are just so bitter about it.
Being the terrible decision maker I am, I decided to go against every good instinct I’ve ever had and started several blogs. So I experimented on several different areas of my inexpertise. Here are some of the disasters I tried:
Food Blogger: Though I haven’t always been good at eating (see my first 42 years), I have eaten food before. But only enough garbage to keep me alive. They say you should blog about what you know, and since I have in the past sat down at tables and consumed food before, I figured why not become a food blogger? My first post was a recipe that I finally learned myself at 16 when my mom started telling me that I had to do stuff for myself for once.
First post: How to make cereal. So you get a plate, pour some orange juice on the plate, then stick it in the toaster for I’m guessing 29 minutes. Then you walk away and watch some TV. After the toaster shorts out, you stick the plate upside down in the microwave with some tin foil and a metal fork on it. Then, wonder what happened to each of the appliances for 3 minutes. Then you pour some cereal on the plate and stick it in the refrigerator. Serve to your family with raucous applause.
Some people followed the directions and I got sued. Decided to shut down that blog for reasons.
Fashion Blogger: I’ve always had a knack for generally wearing clothes in public. Mine are pretty good at covering me up so people don’t cower in fear, so I thought people would want advice on how to wear yellow colored sweatpants from the 80’s and shirts with only several stains on them.
My first post: Other fashion bloggers told me I should do an OOTD (which I later found out meant Outfit of the Day thanks to Urban Dictionary) and people wondered why I was posting an Otter on the Deck. I got a few nasty comments about my mistreatment of the Otter, because they are supposed to live in water, but I told them I fed him some of my famous cereal, so they should just back off. I never made it on the top 100 Fashion Blogs, so I quit a year later.
Video Game Blogger: I’ve always been really good at video games. I heard there was a huge need out there for tutorials, secrets and videos of experts playing so people could get through tight spots in certain areas of games.
My first post? How to beat Super Mario Brothers Level 1-1. One time I was able to beat level 1-1 in Super Mario Brothers, so I thought I would be a great resource for people to get to the flag at the end. So I recorded myself playing it so other people could see how I miserably I failed, but to “never give up!”. I never did beat the World 1-1 again, but it’s because that stupid walking mushroom will never get out of the way for me. Also got a comment from MarioPipeCleaner44 “I’ve never seen Mario trip in a game before. Your level of incompetence in video gaming is Fallout 4 epic.” Not sure what Fallout 4 is.
Humor Blogger: My kids always tell me that I’m funny. For instance I will say, “Son, get to bed.” and he will say back, “You’re funny dad.” I say back to him, “I see what you are saying. I should start a humor blog in which I tell people my funny jokes. Thanks son.” So of course the next day, I took out all our savings and purchased a website called Google.
My first post? I put this joke on my blog Google.com. “Why did the goose cross the highway?” “It’s my way or the highway.” The internet apparently didn’t like this joke or even understand it, because no one responded to it and a year later I gave up the blogging on the Google website.
Couch Blogger: One Christmas, I was sitting on the couch watching TV and stuffing my face full of cereal that I failed to make correctly for my Food Blog, when I saw that there was a channel on TV that just showed a fire. For 24 hours straight. It was then that I came up with the idea to just start doing a blog about sitting on the couch. I attempted to do videos about sitting on the couch and doing nothing, but eventually I just started reporting the news. I couldn’t even do that right.
My first post? This terrible video of me attempting to do nothing on the couch and failing miserably. I ended up reporting some news about some random stuff that may not have even happened.
So why did I become a Bitter Blogger? Because I’m pretty awesome at failing. And what better to do as a failure, than to be bitter about your failings instead of actually making yourself better? So I went on an internet website exchange site and saw that this company called Google wanted my website Google.com because they were failing so hard using the site Bensbitterblog.com and wanted to see if I would trade. Since Google was such a failure for me, I was like, sure take the stupid web address. Like it will ever amount to something. Bensbitterblog.com is so much better. I bet they are losing a ton of money while here I am sitting pretty at no money lost. Someday they are going to regret when Bensbitterblog.com actually makes some money.
ARRRRGGGGHHHH
Bitter Blogger Ben
But doesn’t the success of a blog about failure render the premise invalid?
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It just renders me confused, which is par for the course.
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Freaking hysterical…. Do you Twitter Bitter too? 😉
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Actually yes, but of course you were joking, so yes I do. @benadman.
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HAHAHAHAHAHA….. I saw that you Twitter Bitter immediately after I posted the comment. Love your blog! You have a fantastic sense of humor. I wish more people did.
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I guess it really helps to have a sense of humor when I’m so bitter. I agree that more people should have one. Or at least borrow one from other people for a little bit when they are at work.
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Loved this Bitter Ben!! 😀
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Now you know the real reasons…
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Bitter laughs Ben….Bitter laughs 😀 Have a great bitter day ahead 🙂
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Well, good at least you are getting some bitterness out of the whole thing…even if it is laughs.
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Hilarious post! “I might appear on social media as only a boring dude, but that is because I’m only posting the highlights of my personality.” Ahahahahahaahh!! Seriously your posts are some my favorites, although that food blog sounds pretty awesome- maybe recipes even I could follow…
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The recipes would be pretty easy to follow, though they would also be pretty terrible to eat too.
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Too bad you didn’t stay with the Otter thing, Ben. Lots of potiential there:
Otterdoor Living,
Otter Worlds, Otter Limits,
Otterly Outrageous (sounds like an idea for a porno mag, huh)
Greetings from a now, unfortunately ex-Seattle-ite.
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Now I’m bitter that I didn’t realize all those puns that could have come from it. I am kicking myself right now.
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Everyone tells you to be happy and positive.. are you kidding me! I agree with u.. sarcasm will take you everywhere..
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I’ve learned the sarcasm is a sign of intelligence. So of course, I am the smartest man in the world right?
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Of course you are.. and don’t you let anyone tell you otherwise..
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If they do I just reply to them sarcastically.
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We have a lot in common! I wore clothes in public once too! Didn’t much care for it.
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I also eat food sometimes. I wonder if we also have that in common.
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Oh I am VERY good at eating, I practice every day.
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I go the extra mile and eat just about every minute of the day.
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I was once dog walking in the park when I noticed a sign ahead, “If you are bitter…” If I’m bitter? If? Of course I’m bitter! and so went my thoughts, until I got closer and realized the sign said “If you are bitten.” Being a bitter biddy is a tough gig, almost as tough as being a Bitter Blogger. 😉
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Yep, it is hard being a bitter blogger or a bitter biddy, but we do it for bitterness. I would have loved to have taken a picture of that sign. I’ve also thought of doing a vanity plate with BITRBEN on it. Someday…
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Bitter is undervalued. 😀
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And underrated. Otherwise everyone would have a bitter blog instead of food blogs.
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I wonder if Google ever knew what kind of fortune they traded away. Well, who’s sorry now! 😀
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Google is a bunch of fools. They just didn’t know how to market Ben’s Bitter Blog right. Good luck to them, getting the shaft on that deal.
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Ben’s Bitter Blog is simply too big for Google to handle. 😀
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That’s why they had to give it up to me. They’d rather deal with something simple like the Google.com.
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Mark my words, no one will go there. You’ll see. They really blew it this time.
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Well, being a billionaire because of this site, I might bestow a tiny little bit of my fortune to them as a gesture of “I told you so”.
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LOL! Oh they’ll love that! 😀
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You know me the philanthropist that I am.
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Bitterness truly becomes you. If ever you attempt a food blog again, may I suggest one where you only create recipes using bitter ingredients? A coffee, kale and bitter lemon cake? Mmm….sounds…well, bitter.
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Finally you’ve accepted my bitterness! I’ve thought about starting a blog called Bitter Homes and Gardners because my last name is Gardner etc. I don’t know if you were around on April Fool’s but I did make up a fake blog called the Gardening Tool just for a joke and some people were actually pretty supportive…
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Lol from what I have read you sound like an ambitious bitter blogger lol you have tried blogging from a bunch of different angles and as you say “failed” but you tried at least and in the process found your bitter voice! 😀 lol sounds like progress to me! Nice to meet you and I look forward to reading more 🙂
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I am totally ambitious when it comes to complaining about all the little things that bother me. 600 some posts make me either dedicated or insane.
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Insanely dedicated? lol
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Probably that.
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I don’t think I have yet reached bitter status. Maybe I’ll get there.
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I have been working at it my whole life, so no rush. Just take it one bitter day at a time.
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I think you missed your calling on being a fashion blogger. Sweatpants, scrubs, baggy tee-shirts – they’re super comfortable.
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Yeah, I gave up after the otter incident. I guess I’m pretty good at quitting. Maybe I should be a quitter blogger.
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Nah…stick with bitter….it’s better….and there of course there’s butter…which has nothing to do with anything except that it didn’t feel right to say bitter and better without saying butter.
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And there is some sort of poem out there about it too. It does just seem right to put all those words together somehow.
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Oh my gosh. This one cracked me up!! I’m so glad you became a bitter blogger, because your blog is awesome and brightens my day. Who’d have thought bitterness could be so sunny? 😀
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I’m just glad that blogging allowed me to meet such sunny people like you! I always envisioned this blog for me to just complain all the time. Guess I failed again! 🙂
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I would like to submit the idea that failure is awesome, then 😀
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And I excel in it!
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Very funny Ben. As a writer you may be bitter, but you are also better.
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That is pretty close to my slogan. “We make bitter better.”
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Lol
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That means Love of Linguine right?
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Ode to becoming a “BITTER” – nice!! You obviously earned the title Champ! LOL
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Yeah, I finally got a championship in something. I’m the best in a category of none other people!
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“I’m awesome at failing,” the truth of so many people. And how can clouds sense your bitterness?
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Have you ever seen clouds moving fast in the skies? That is because their turn raining (reigning) over me is done and they can’t wait to leave me. 🙂
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While most of us probably have some experience in the eating and dressing departments, I am utterly shocked your Otter on the Deck concept didn’t take off. After all, it’s such a unique concept, and people love absurd things. So surely you would’ve had a monopoly in that market… No?
Humor is definitely your forté. I’d highly encourage you to stick with it. But I can also see how Video Game blogging might be more appealing. And fun. I want to know how you managed to make poor Mario trip. 😀
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Only I could make Mario trip. I think it was because I ran him into too many poles. And the Otter on the Deck thing didn’t work because I could never find anymore of them to get on my deck. And the cereal made the otter sick and he never came back for a reshoot.
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Well, you should actually celebrate the fact that you are a combination of all those bloggers. You always blog about pizza, video games, and you rarely get off the couch, plus that shirt you were wearing on your last BBN post would definitely qualify you as a fashion blogger. Those moves were runway ready.
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I was working that shirt pretty hard. If only you would have seen the sweatpants I was working you probably would have begged me to continue the fashion blogging thing.
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Now I have to see it!! I bet there were some really worn out Adidas to complement the look.
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I actually had some really worn out Nike’s. And the sweats had been worn at least three days. But you know, when I don’t have to work, I spend a lot of time on the couch.
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That’s awesome. So we’ll just call it the grunge look.
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We’ll call it the couch courtier.
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Oooh, getting all schmancy, huh?
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Yeah, you know me with my fancy sweats and shoes.
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Hilarious post – love it!
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I’m just glad that Google.com didn’t ever amount to anything.
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You mean Skynet? Nah…we don’t have to worry about them.
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Yeah, good thing they aren’t inventing cars to stalk people or satellites to get pictures of us at our house.
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Exactly. I mean, it’s not like they bought a military robotics company, either. Whew.
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Yep, we’re safe. They don’t do anything but post stupid blog posts that no one reads.
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Totally safe. Right here in my bunker.
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I’m safe here at work, where boredom keeps everyone away. Including Google.
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Heh. Me, too. That’s where my best time wasting happens: at work.
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If only my blogging and writing paid money, I would be productive for once.
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Wouldn’t that be nice…
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But then my bitterness levels would decrease…
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Hm…and then you’d lose your reason for blogging. ALL IS LOST!
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And if ALL IS LOST, then I’m in good shape, because there is a whole new pile of things to be bitter about.
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You’d better share then, because I’m one bitter b. Hmph.
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If there is one thing I’m not selfish about sharing it is the bitterness. Please feel free to take some of mine if you don’t have enough yourself.
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Ben’s Bitter Buffet
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I did a Bitter Buffet one about a year and a half about Golden Corral Buffet. I’ve done many subjects.
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😀
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I’m just bitter that I never thought to become a bitter blogger. Of course seeing how well you consistently embody bitterness across all genres, I know that you are the best of the bitter. To thine own self be true, eh?
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I think to thine own bitter be true. I figure why fight it?
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