I am not a multi faceted personality. I am about as interesting as watching toast flavored, grass colored paint drying. I might appear on social media as only a boring dude, but that is because I’m only posting the highlights of my personality. If you followed me around in real life, first of all quit stalking me, but second, you would see that I am the opposite of the guy in the Dos Eqius commercials. I am the most Uninteresting Man in the World. And it isn’t even close.
My kids fall asleep whenever they even anticipate me entering a room. Restaurants close in the middle of the day whenever I come near because they want to ATTRACT customers. And did you know that Seattle used to be sunny all the time before I moved here? Do you have any idea why clouds are so angry looking? Because they have to take turns hovering over me and they are just so bitter about it.
Being the terrible decision maker I am, I decided to go against every good instinct I’ve ever had and started several blogs. So I experimented on several different areas of my inexpertise. Here are some of the disasters I tried:
Food Blogger: Though I haven’t always been good at eating (see my first 42 years), I have eaten food before. But only enough garbage to keep me alive. They say you should blog about what you know, and since I have in the past sat down at tables and consumed food before, I figured why not become a food blogger? My first post was a recipe that I finally learned myself at 16 when my mom started telling me that I had to do stuff for myself for once.
First post: How to make cereal. So you get a plate, pour some orange juice on the plate, then stick it in the toaster for I’m guessing 29 minutes. Then you walk away and watch some TV. After the toaster shorts out, you stick the plate upside down in the microwave with some tin foil and a metal fork on it. Then, wonder what happened to each of the appliances for 3 minutes. Then you pour some cereal on the plate and stick it in the refrigerator. Serve to your family with raucous applause.
Some people followed the directions and I got sued. Decided to shut down that blog for reasons.
Fashion Blogger: I’ve always had a knack for generally wearing clothes in public. Mine are pretty good at covering me up so people don’t cower in fear, so I thought people would want advice on how to wear yellow colored sweatpants from the 80’s and shirts with only several stains on them.
My first post: Other fashion bloggers told me I should do an OOTD (which I later found out meant Outfit of the Day thanks to Urban Dictionary) and people wondered why I was posting an Otter on the Deck. I got a few nasty comments about my mistreatment of the Otter, because they are supposed to live in water, but I told them I fed him some of my famous cereal, so they should just back off. I never made it on the top 100 Fashion Blogs, so I quit a year later.
Video Game Blogger: I’ve always been really good at video games. I heard there was a huge need out there for tutorials, secrets and videos of experts playing so people could get through tight spots in certain areas of games.
My first post? How to beat Super Mario Brothers Level 1-1. One time I was able to beat level 1-1 in Super Mario Brothers, so I thought I would be a great resource for people to get to the flag at the end. So I recorded myself playing it so other people could see how I miserably I failed, but to “never give up!”. I never did beat the World 1-1 again, but it’s because that stupid walking mushroom will never get out of the way for me. Also got a comment from MarioPipeCleaner44 “I’ve never seen Mario trip in a game before. Your level of incompetence in video gaming is Fallout 4 epic.” Not sure what Fallout 4 is.
Humor Blogger: My kids always tell me that I’m funny. For instance I will say, “Son, get to bed.” and he will say back, “You’re funny dad.” I say back to him, “I see what you are saying. I should start a humor blog in which I tell people my funny jokes. Thanks son.” So of course the next day, I took out all our savings and purchased a website called Google.
My first post? I put this joke on my blog Google.com. “Why did the goose cross the highway?” “It’s my way or the highway.” The internet apparently didn’t like this joke or even understand it, because no one responded to it and a year later I gave up the blogging on the Google website.
Couch Blogger: One Christmas, I was sitting on the couch watching TV and stuffing my face full of cereal that I failed to make correctly for my Food Blog, when I saw that there was a channel on TV that just showed a fire. For 24 hours straight. It was then that I came up with the idea to just start doing a blog about sitting on the couch. I attempted to do videos about sitting on the couch and doing nothing, but eventually I just started reporting the news. I couldn’t even do that right.
My first post? This terrible video of me attempting to do nothing on the couch and failing miserably. I ended up reporting some news about some random stuff that may not have even happened.
So why did I become a Bitter Blogger? Because I’m pretty awesome at failing. And what better to do as a failure, than to be bitter about your failings instead of actually making yourself better? So I went on an internet website exchange site and saw that this company called Google wanted my website Google.com because they were failing so hard using the site Bensbitterblog.com and wanted to see if I would trade. Since Google was such a failure for me, I was like, sure take the stupid web address. Like it will ever amount to something. Bensbitterblog.com is so much better. I bet they are losing a ton of money while here I am sitting pretty at no money lost. Someday they are going to regret when Bensbitterblog.com actually makes some money.
Bitter Blogger Ben