Actually you only get none of these three.
You know how optimists (or optometrists I can never tell the difference) always try to find the one little positive thing in even the darkest moments of your life? Well, I’m here to flip the script on that, and find the bitterest things in even your shiniest moments. I’m here to put some gloom in your happy this morning. And if you have some perfect moment that was ruined at the end, or you feel like you have had a perfect moment, but need me to ruin it for you, feel free to leave them in the comments and I will gladly and bitterly ruin it for you.
Best day of your life having your baby? – Remember how loud it’s screaming was or how it needed food every two hours or how much it kept waking you up? And when it came out, ugghhh all the blood…You have to find out how you are going to feed, clothe, and pay for his/her college tuition soon. And it will be talking back to you soon.
We just had a baby and we are just so happy.
Sunny Day at the beach? – Remember the sunburn and sand everywhere? The promise of deserted beach? People everywhere, talking, and someone will be trying to sell you $1 per braid, so you can become a Bahama Mama.
Wanna become a Bahama Mama?
A fantastic dog or cat greeting you at home? Needs to eat and poop, hair everywhere, couch cushions ripped up. And he/she will be wanting bacon, when you feed him/her the vegetarian stuff.
Our cat loves us. Just wait until you see it greet us when we get home.
Happiest Place on earth? Expensive parking, expensive food, expensive souvenirs, lines for days, short, stupid rides, obnoxious Mascots everywhere, sore feet 5 minutes in, kids complaining cause they didn’t get what they wanted or rides they didn’t get to go on, or I’m too hot. And yes, this place is run by a mouse, those same things you squeal at when they run rampant in your house.
Can’t wait to be trapped by a mouse.
Day off from work? – Kids fighting, malls and theaters crowded, camp sites cramped, traffic terrible, have to go back to even more work than when you left. And none of those things happen because you forgot you had a doctor’s appointment.
Kids were great today.
Promotion? – More work for not as much money per work thing, longer hours, less time with family, less ability to take time off. And the lack of an executive washroom at your job.
You will be getting an office with a view.
Get a degree? – No more partying, losing all your cool friends, leaving all your cool friends, have to get a good job to justify ALL THAT MONEY YOU SPENT. And no more of those really good sandwiches in the student center.
Post Graduation life has been amazing.
First love? – Total distraction from anything else, your friends will call you whipped, can’t eat, can’t sleep, always sick, your heart will be crushed into a million pieces when this one ends.
Heart attack.
First paycheck? – Taxes, it will be spent to pay off all your debt, or everyone will want you to pay for their dinner, or it will all go toward your first and last months rent, or that and 4 others will go toward a ring…
Speaking of getting married? – You think the ring was expensive, just wait until you see what the bill is for the wedding, and the honeymoon, but most of all, how much you paid for the cake that was terrible. And no pizza.
It’s a Dark Knight without pizza.
Winning the lottery? – You will go spend a ton of money and will realize you were one number off, should have been 10 million, ends up being $2 million, you will lose it all in a gambling debt, or bad investments, you will quit your job, you will overspend on mansions, cars and pools that will be taken from you by the IRS, thugs and telemarketers and fake charities, and your fake entourage. You will have to find a bank that cashes oversized checks.
It was love at first dollar sign.
You are welcome for ruining your day. Anything else I can’t do for you?
ARRRRRGGGGHHHH
Bitter Terrible Day Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
You’re the best! #1 and #4 hahahahaha!
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You know it! Whichever ones are #1 and #4.
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I shall now ruin your day (as if it wasn’t ruined already) by saying you cheered me up. I especially enjoyed your bitter comments on Disneyplace (I get World and Land mixed up), a destination I have the opposite of desire to go. I HATE Disney! Especially that damn mouse!
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Dang I hate when I cheer people up? Why would you do that to me? And yes the freaking mouse is going to make me bitter in less than a week.
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Maybe you could do us all a favor and slip him a D-Con? (I bet you thought I was going to say “slip him a mickey”)
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I wish Mickey was as easy to kill as that. Unfortunately, he has sunk his bitter teeth sunk into Marvel, Star Wars and Pixar now, so there is no escaping him now.
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Remember on “Ghostbusters” when the StayPuff Marshmallow Man became a terrifying agent of destruction? I think somebody ought to do that with Mickey.
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And I could be his bitter rival. Though I would love to have some sort of giant making potion.
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Love it! Totally made me laugh because we do this all the time. Have a mediocre time with/at something but, in looking back, remember it being the greatest thing ever. Guess that’s what keeps us moving forward. Thanks for brightening my day with a bit of realism! 🙂 LOL
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I was trying to ruin your day, how did it end of helping? I’ll have to go back to the drawing board.
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No way, stick with the current drawing board! The bitterness in your blog reminds me of the many thoughts that pop into my head all day long. I swear, if people knew what I really thought half the time, I would be considered one of the most negative people out there. 🙂
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I think it is time to come out of the bitter closet and just let everyone know your true self. I will support you if you need it. We will start Bloggers Anonymous.
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Oh trust me, it comes out more every day! I’ve become the crotchety old lady. Can’t imagine what I’ll be like in another 5 years 🙂 I do think a support group would be much needed….
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Just wait until I turn 5 years older. Even more bitterness.
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I’d say you’ve done enough. Now I’m bitter about how the whole system is rigged in everyone else’s favor, but our own.
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I think it’s time to start our own system. But then again, I’m tired and need a nap.
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I totally agree, and think the powers that be built that into their system. So, no wonder we want a nap when it comes to wanting to create our own system of advantage. A few Z’s and we’ll be right as rain.
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And then we will be back to our unambitious ways.
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That last picture! Dude looks like he just met his favorite super-hero at comic-con. I think we can all agree that he’s a regular attendee. Those two are definitely gonna make it.
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I think we can all agree if I won the lottery my kids would love me so much more artificially than they do now.
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I can see myself in every single one of these things. Life is pretty bitter.
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Glad to see you can relate.
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You failed!!!! :)!
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Yep, I do quite a bit. You should see some of my epic failures.
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Life sucks!!! All of it. I’m ready for any disappointments that come my way. 🙂
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I’m kind of shocked that the floods aren’t headed my way, considering how much I deserve them.
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I have a colonoscopy tomorrow. Today is already ruined with the prep. I only wish that on you. That is the last cog that would make your bitter day more complete:)
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Yeah, I have a long road of things like that just ahead of me. I can’t wait for all the bitterness hospitals, etc are going to cause me.
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Absolutely perfect. First of all, the last picture is wonderful — good for that guy. Secondly, I’m still trying to determine if I like the term “Right in the feels.” It’s a hot debate in my mind that I have to keep thinking about.
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Yeah, I’m not much of a fan of in the feels, but the picture worked, so I went with it.
And that guy, good job for winning the lottery and going for the gold.
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I’m a cautiously optimistic realist.
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I’m a bitter realist.
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First off, I congratulate you in your use of Memes. Nice work Ben! I knew you could do it! Secondly, I am the same about all these things. The traffic, crowds, waits, screaming kids etc all ruin everything for me. How can we enjoy things ON THIS EARTH? It’s pretty much impossible with everyone else that’s already here. Also happy people think that we can just change and be happy if we so choose, but nope, it doesn’t work that way. I’ve learned to embrace my natural bitterness. If you think about it correctly, it’s pretty pleasurable.
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Yes, I’ve been doing the meme thing periodically, but glad to see it worked for you finally! There are just so many frustrating things huh? It’s like I could dedicate a whole blog or something to it!
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It is like you could dedicate a whole blog to it! Get on that! Oh wait….thinking…wondering…bitter blog? haha. oh yeah…GENIUS!
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I should totally call it like Ben’s Really Angry Weblog that is about all things bitter. OR maybe something shorter.
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Thanks. I needed a laugh.
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I know a few websites that are actually funny then. College humor, the onion, youtube has some great stuff…
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Ha ha.
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Reblogged this on The underclassy.
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So lottery tickets really are the answer to finding love. I knew it! My friends were all wrong and now I feel totally justified in spending my entire paycheck on Powerball.
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Yep, the prettiest girl in school will love you as long as you have money. And what a better way to get your revenge.
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How about I saw this blog that was perfectly full of bitterness and can’t think of any intelligent comment to leave?
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Probably had something nice happen today, so you just don’t have the bitter vibe like you should.
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Nope, nope, nothing nice. Doing inventory…yep…nothing…
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You probably got a positive comment on your blog or something.
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Another false beacon of an otherwise dishonest world vying for a positive comment on their own.
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Yeah, exactly what you just said that didn’t make any sense to me.
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Always best to agree.
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Yeah, or else it will just be a bad time for all.
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