You know how optimists (or optometrists I can never tell the difference) always try to find the one little positive thing in even the darkest moments of your life? Well, I’m here to flip the script on that, and find the bitterest things in even your shiniest moments. I’m here to put some gloom in your happy this morning. And if you have some perfect moment that was ruined at the end, or you feel like you have had a perfect moment, but need me to ruin it for you, feel free to leave them in the comments and I will gladly and bitterly ruin it for you.
Best day of your life having your baby? – Remember how loud it’s screaming was or how it needed food every two hours or how much it kept waking you up? And when it came out, ugghhh all the blood…You have to find out how you are going to feed, clothe, and pay for his/her college tuition soon. And it will be talking back to you soon.
Sunny Day at the beach? – Remember the sunburn and sand everywhere? The promise of deserted beach? People everywhere, talking, and someone will be trying to sell you $1 per braid, so you can become a Bahama Mama.
A fantastic dog or cat greeting you at home? Needs to eat and poop, hair everywhere, couch cushions ripped up. And he/she will be wanting bacon, when you feed him/her the vegetarian stuff.
Happiest Place on earth? Expensive parking, expensive food, expensive souvenirs, lines for days, short, stupid rides, obnoxious Mascots everywhere, sore feet 5 minutes in, kids complaining cause they didn’t get what they wanted or rides they didn’t get to go on, or I’m too hot. And yes, this place is run by a mouse, those same things you squeal at when they run rampant in your house.
Day off from work? – Kids fighting, malls and theaters crowded, camp sites cramped, traffic terrible, have to go back to even more work than when you left. And none of those things happen because you forgot you had a doctor’s appointment.
Promotion? – More work for not as much money per work thing, longer hours, less time with family, less ability to take time off. And the lack of an executive washroom at your job.
Get a degree? – No more partying, losing all your cool friends, leaving all your cool friends, have to get a good job to justify ALL THAT MONEY YOU SPENT. And no more of those really good sandwiches in the student center.
First love? – Total distraction from anything else, your friends will call you whipped, can’t eat, can’t sleep, always sick, your heart will be crushed into a million pieces when this one ends.
First paycheck? – Taxes, it will be spent to pay off all your debt, or everyone will want you to pay for their dinner, or it will all go toward your first and last months rent, or that and 4 others will go toward a ring…
Speaking of getting married? – You think the ring was expensive, just wait until you see what the bill is for the wedding, and the honeymoon, but most of all, how much you paid for the cake that was terrible. And no pizza.
Winning the lottery? – You will go spend a ton of money and will realize you were one number off, should have been 10 million, ends up being $2 million, you will lose it all in a gambling debt, or bad investments, you will quit your job, you will overspend on mansions, cars and pools that will be taken from you by the IRS, thugs and telemarketers and fake charities, and your fake entourage. You will have to find a bank that cashes oversized checks.
You are welcome for ruining your day. Anything else I can’t do for you?
Bitter Terrible Day Ben