Headaches. A lot of things give me these. The flu, bad comedy, the Bachelorette, the Bachelor, grammar, too much information, too many people, doing too much work, gardening, going outside, phones, world peace, close basketball games, the internet not working, Internet Explorer, the future, the past, and the present.
Those are all things that make me bitter, but one thing gives me headaches above all else. Talking. Other people talking, words spoken out loud toward me, around me, or near me. Words spoken out loud cause me to pretend to care what you are saying and that is just headache blowing.
The key to miscommunication is misunderstanding. While people like to use talking to make me bitter, I like to turn it around and use other forms of communication to spread my bitterness.
Silence – The best way to give people that uncomfortable vibe, especially when they aren’t a big believer in not talking, is silence. Try this one time. When someone asks you a direct question, don’t answer it. Let them ask it again, and don’t answer it again. They will think you are deaf, but keep persisting. Eventually the interviewer might then not accept you for the job, but at least you did your best to answer the question truthfully when they ask, “What is your knowledge of math?”
Sign language – It doesn’t have to just be American Sign Language, or German Sign language. It can just be the flopping of arms when someone is trying to be serious, the waving of your hands as you pass them on the median, or saluting them as you score a touchdown on them.
Pictures– They are worth a thousand words at least according to some mythical person who may or may not have really said it. And maybe the thousand words are useless words like “Why is that lighting with this subject?” or “Why did you take a picture of this mud?” or “Why didn’t you use autofocus to make this picture so terrible and blurry?” or “Why did you take yet another useless selfie?”
Meme’s – These are an easy way of using passive aggressiveness against somebody without having to do much work. Go to Google, search the subject of the hideous person you are trying to get revenge on, find meme, post it Facebook for all the world to see…how much you can’t stand that person, or all people.
Writing – A great way to express things without talking. Yes, it might take a little pencil or pen to paper (at least back in my day) or a little fingers to keyboard, but it is amazing how words on a page can affect someone’s life..for the bitter.
Smoke signals – Though not a common way to communicate to people these days with the advent of Google, a great way to communicate to someone far away when you are camping and wi-fi isn’t available. Also a good way to share something that will cause the emotion of crying, mostly from the smoke getting in their eyes.
Coughing – Mostly used to show to others that you are sick, but have somehow against all your will have managed to make it into work. On the opposite end, it poses as a warning to the people who actually work, from the weasels who are sick all the time to indicate at the end of the day, that they will not be making it in the next day. Also a way to hide saying things like, cough”Bullcrap!” or cough “Loser!” or cough “Not really sick, just pulling a Ferris Bueller”.
Bitter looks – Though I have perfected this look since I was a zygote, some people that smile all the time need to work on this. It allows you to punch people in the face verbally.
Punching – Speaking of punching people in the face verbally, there is also the non verbal way of actually punching people in the face. I would recommend you having a good lawyer, or a non-caring attitude about going to jail if you want to pull this off, but it can be a very satisfying way of showing people how bitter you are.
Animation – Though a painstaking process, it is worth it to show someone how little you care about them.
Body language – Eye rolling, heavy sighing, bitter looking, face freezing, mouth clenching, rubbing face with hands, looking bored, these are all ways you can show your dissatisfaction of what someone is saying.
Slow clapping – This method was a good way of showing support for someone who made a brave and courageous stand in an 80’s movie, but is also a great way to show someone how “smart” they are, and “what a great idea” that is, or “wow, you are just so funny”. It’s actually become quite a versatile way to show your bitterness.
Puppeteering – A way to express your emotions about someone in a very talented, yet disturbed way.
Street Signs – Slow down, Speed Limit, Do Not Enter, One way, Stop, Caution Speed Bump Ahead, Slow Children, Zombie Apocolypse coming.
White Space – The writer’s version of silence.
With a stylus – A stylus is a way to show someone how little you care on a phone or tablet.
As you can see, there are many ways of expressing yourself without talking. I just touch the surface of how many ways there are. So about your quit being lazy (like me) and incorporate some of these, or all of these in order to not talk to me, but nothing makes me more bitter than someone using their voice to tell me useless things. What are your favorite not talking methods of sharing your bitterness with others?
FYI, I guess my co-worker hasn’t read this yet, because they just decided to talk to me. UGGGGGHHHH
Bitter BEN HAS A HEADACHE