I don’t mean to brag (yeah I do) but, I am an awesome driver. Not Nascar/stunt driver type, but the kind that is able to navigate traffic like a freaking boss. (Just so you know, bosses like to yell at their inferiors.) I’m such a good driver, in fact that I can do multiple things while driving. Let’s just say that if you were to see some of the things I did while driving, you would probably want to skewer me on a barbecue. And pull over and wait for an hour. I would tell you, but I think at least one cop follows my blog. I have the instincts of a guy that wakes up from a dream just before dying. I might swerve and brake fast, but I won’t get in an accident. It just won’t happen.
Don’t be a hater though(you can be a bitterer though), it’s just that I started driving young. I grew up on the mean streets of South Dakota where the legal driving age was 14 and in order to practice for the test, I started when I was 3. Contrary to popular belief, it wasn’t because the farmers needed to have their 14 year old kids driving the tractor to maintain the farms, but for the pure reason of allowing a kid prodigy to get his license(me in case you were wondering). You know how when your super smart kid is bored in school because his or her brain is so far above the level of other kids in class, that he or she starts trying new things? No? Well, I can’t help you there. But I was that kid driving prodigy. I would get so bored driving an automatic car, that I would stick my legs outside the car (it was mostly because they were so white and it only got above 45 for about three months of the year there). I decided that I needed to drive stick (or manual or whatever you like to call it) because automatic wasn’t cutting it. I mastered that so fast that I asked my dad what the third kind of way to drive cars was. He said there was none. I was disappointed, so I learned how to drift long before it was a thing. Not the kind in The Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift, but the kind where I let go of the wheel and my cars alignment took over. Even then, when I tempted fate, no accident.
The thing that makes me an even better driver is that I haven’t driven the world’s finest machine’s like a Lamborghini, or a Ferrari, or even a Ford Focus. I’ve pretty much driven the dirty laundry at the bottom of the hamper. My cars in no particular order, Volkswagen Beetle, Volkswagen Beetle, Volkswagen Beetle, and a Volkswagen Beetle. Then there were three C’s of the 80’s, the Chevelle, the Chevette, the Citation (ironically the car I got my first citation in). I managed to drive these terrible cars in snow, ice, rain, black ice, black snow, black rain, and even somehow managed to drive them on a dry surface on a sunny day, even with the sun all in my face.
In all those years, in all the stunt driving I did, no matter how much I tried, I’ve never been in an accident that was my fault. There was the one time where I managed to drive over a median, hit a sign, and avoid another car, all while going 55 around a curve. There was the other time where I managed to get so close to an accident that I took my driver’s side mirror out, but left the rest of the car intact. There were the times when in my Dodge Caliber, in a snowpacalypse that rivaled Boston’s this year, I drove up steep hills to make it to work, while Hummers, SUV’s, and 4 wheel drive trucks were taking the day off to have a ditch convention on the side of the road. Problem being, they got to go to a convention, and I got to go to work.
If you were to promise me a sports car, if I got in an accident in my Dodge Caliber before it was time to retire it and trade it in for my next clunker, I would do everything in my power to crash that thing (text while Ipoding, changing clothes while putting headphones on and driving through questionable yellow lights) and I still wouldn’t be able to get into one. Be bitter all you want, but I am a child prodigy. There could be a 50 car pile up in the road and I could be right in the middle of it, but I would manage to drive right through like a stunt driver. But look way less cool doing it.
Being this talented is a bitter curse. I get to work on day’s that no one else gets in and no sports car for me.
Bitter Driver Ben