Ever since I was a little child, I’ve always had a deep down bitterness for all things Disney. Fact: The main character of the Disney empire is a mouse. You know, those verminous creatures that eat all your food, poop all over your pantry, and spread all kinds of disease like the black plague? When I did my 42 things I was bitter about post, I talked about having my own statue and someone posed the question to me, “If you were to have a statue, what would it be and where would it be displayed?” I thought for a moment and then decided I would put my statue right next to the one at Disneyland of Walt Disney holding hands with Mickey. I would have my foot back in the kicking motion right behind Mickey. A few years ago, we visited Orlando and in 7 days we visited all 4 Disney and 2 Universal parks and I did an epic 6 part post on everything bitter about everything Disney. Just about everything there drove me crazy.
In contrast, I have loved video games since I was a little child. I still remember going to the little strip mall in Long Island, where my parents took me to get my first video game console, the Atari 2600. It was so new and innovative. The metal peg that served as the power button, the faux wood finish, the iconic controller with the one orange button and the big swivel stick in the center. Whenever I got the chance, I would play Space Invaders, Adventure and Yars Revenge. I was captivated from the beginning. I remember spending countless hours at the arcade playing games like Qbert, Frogger, Pole Position and Super Mario Brothers. I remember dreaming of a day when I would be able to play SMB at home with the same graphics as the arcade game and later that year my dream was realized. A near perfect replica of the arcade game at home and somehow, I finagled my way into getting one for Christmas. No more quarters, no more waiting in line to play. It took two weeks to beat, but I did it. Then the Legend of Zelda, Metroid, Kid Icarus and on and on until now. I’ve loved every minute. The amazing discoveries, the times I’ve wanted to hurl the controller at a window, the final boss triumphs, the mind bending stories told with electronic beeps on a screen.
So what is the problem Bitter Ben? There is no conflict. You love video games, but you are bitter about Disney.
No contest, no conflict.
Video games vs. Disney has always been like Michael Jordan vs. a little kid just learning to dribble a basketball.
It has always been that way.
Until…Disney introduced Tsum Tsum. And in so doing, introduced Smith to my Neo. Or, some would say, introduced Neo to Smith.
When I first saw this game, I yawned. Just another Candy Crush, or Farmville or Angry Birds. A short, stupid game that keeps me entertained while in the doctors office, that could hold me over until I got home to the the “real” video games.
At first, I only played it out of curiosity. What are these Tsum Tsum’s? Little plush heads of Disney characters? Ugggh. So cute and sweet and nice. Though having a Disney head on a platter sounded strangely bitterfying, the cute and sweet and nice are all things I couldn’t stand about Disney.
And my first Tsum Tsum? Freaking Mickey of course. Why would I want to play this again? And they only give me 5 hearts? So stupid. I’ll play it a few times and then never again.
Until I played it again. Oh look, I’ve got all these coins. What do I do with them? Buy a new Tsum Tsum? Oh and why is he glowing? Oh he has a special power. He clears all these other things.
I’ll just play a little when I first get to work. I’ll just play a little when I get home. You know, just to take my mind off the day.
Oh look, if I meet this goal by the end of the day, I’ll get more coins, and then I’ll get more Tsum’s that do more things. Oh look, Elsa freezes things. The movie was terribly overrated, but cool she can freeze other Tsums. And look. If I get over 500,000 I get some more coins at the end of the week. 480,000; 492,000. Well maybe if I level up someone, I can get to 500,000 and I did.
Then Disney drops the Thor sized hammer this week. BINGO. If you fill out objectives on the Bingo Card, you get coins, tickets, and the ultimate prize, the Premium Box. In which only the rarest of Tsum are contained within. And then, if you complete that one, you are given another Bingo Card. One in which if you complete, you get the rarest Tsum of all. That’s right. Oswald the Lucky Rabbit. The one who was supposed to be the King of Disney, but was replaced by the mouse. If I can get him, I will be sticking it in the face of Disney himself. So I toil on. I Tsum every hour for 5 hearts worth, so I can get Oswald.
But all kind of obstacles stand in my way. I can’t play the same way I was before. I can’t skip over using Mickey, and Minnie and Donald and Daisy so I can use Elsa to freeze them. I have to use all of them. No matter how weak, because the Bingo card tells me that you can’t complete the spot, unless you play with Mickie and Minnie. But I toil through. I beat all the spots. Except one. Get 80 Minnies in one play. It is between me and Minnie for control of the board. I can do this. She is no match for me. She cannot hope to contain me! She is just Mickie with a red bow. She is a mouse, who is afraid…of a mouse. Her power is completely useless and she appears so rarely that I can barely get one or two each board I play. Imagine me, in my house, with my kids, yelling at the top of my lungs, “Where are you Minnie? Why are you hiding? Come out so I can squash you!”
This goes on for about an hour, my kids laughing at me for how a stupid mouse with a red bow is making me supremely bitter. I even spend a precious ticket to eliminate Tsums so I can get more of her to appear, but even that is sabotaged.
Anger, frustration, bitterness. All because of a mouse that I can’t stand more than any other mouse. Undeterred, I have one last heart. I get my Smart Phone screen as smooth as glass, and I get the light pen working like a magic wand. And magic happens that day. Not Disney Magic, but Bitter Ben magic. All the frustration, all the bitterness and rage I have towards Disney since I was a kid go into this last heart. Symbolically, Disney has no heart left. Minnie Mouse can no longer stand in my way. I crush 103 of her to defeat the objective, and with that I defeat Minnie Mouse. I defeat Mickie Mouse. I defeat the game of Tsum Tsum, Disney Parks, and indeed the very Disney Empire. I have crushed them all with that one single blow.
TAKE THAT MINNIE! TAKE THAT AND GO INTO YOUR MOUSE CAGE WITH MICKEY AND GOOFY AND PLUTO AND ALL YOUR DOGS WHETHER THEY STAND UP OR WALK ON ALL FOURS!
I triumphed over Disney all that bitterness I have towards them. So Bitter Ben, now that you’ve beat the Tsum Tsum Bingo Board and indeed the entire Disney Empire, what are you going to do?
I’m going to Disneyland!
I’m going to play Tsum Tsum again in an hour. ***Bows head in bitter disgust.***
FYI, in case you have a minute, go and check out my guest post on Valley Girl Gone Country
Bitter Minnie Smackdown Ben