Restless Bitter Syndrome

 

were

…bleeding ulcers or death. 

So you’re going along, watching you favorite TV show, when all of a sudden, the subject changes.  Instead of it being a discussion between Jeff and Abed about the difference between pillow forts and blanket forts, some other weirdo starts talking about “a serious disease and how it can be cured, with only minimal side effects like a bleeding ulcer or death”.  I don’t remember a narrator, or the meadow people having a picnic being part of the show.  I was complaining about it last night and my wife told me there is this thing called commercials.  I’m still very confused why they interrupted the show or why they were talking about weird diseases, because I ignored it and hoped it would go away.  Later another non sequitur came on about something called Restless Leg Syndrome.

My legs every day.

I do my Restless Leg Syndrome sitting down. 

My ears perked up because, I was like, hey that’s that thing where I bounce my legs constantly like I’m running a marathon that annoys the heck out of my co-workers.  It said there was some pill for it, that will help calm my gams down, so I was like, sweet maybe I will not use that.  I think the bouncing keeps my legs skinny and I love that because then they have to suffer to hold up the rest of the pear shaped thing above them.

While there is a cure for Restless Leg Syndrome, there is no cure for Restless Bitter Syndrome, bitter known as RBS.  RBS is a disease where your brain is constantly bouncing ideas around your head about bitterness.  While I have always had RBS, it didn’t become a full on disease until about 3 years ago when I started this blog.  My brain would jet from one bad idea to the next, only rarely committing fully to doing a post.  It started manifesting itself everywhere.

Why do railways keep running into me?

Why do railways keep running into me?

In traffic: Why is that guy’s rear bumper always running into my front bumper?  Why does he keep putting a blinking light on the right rear side of his car? What do the red lights mean and why do they always coincide with him slowing down?

On Facebook: Why does this Accept Friend Request button keep popping up on my page? It’s kind of annoying so I just keep hitting it so it will go away.  Why is that person showing me pictures of their surgery? I don’t even know who that is.  What are these quotes about positivity? Why do they make no sense? Why does that stupid red number keep appearing over the world symbol? Is that how many people are going to be crushed by a meteor today?

On Twitter:

Laying on the couch: It’s Monday at 10:30 am.  Was I supposed to be somewhere? Why do we keep getting calls from my work? Why is there this constant beeping when I’m trying to remember this dream? What is this burn in my heart? All I had was a pizza sandwich, some tortellini and a heap of chips and salsa.  Who are these tiny people that keep talking to me and getting in the way of the TV?

Listening to music: When we went inside the grocery store this song was playing.  Now, 15 minutes later, it’s still playing? I didn’t know they played 15 minute songs on the radio. Why does some weird guy with a deep voice keep interrupting the music and talking about the traffic? First my favorite TV show, now my least favorite radio channel? Why are the meadow people interrupting the music?

ARRRRGGGHHHHH

Bitter Restless Ben

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34 thoughts on “Restless Bitter Syndrome

  1. I think I catch the bitterness like the flu but then it leaves me. Yeah, thats it. Its not so permanent- once or twice a year everything and everyone sucks! But seriously people put strange things on facebook. Oh no thanks, I’ll look at your intestines and post-op pics some other time. There should at least be a warning or something – but nooooo, it is just there, without even asking – intestines!!! WTF people!!!! I do not under any circumstance want to see your drain! (I just recently encountered this on FB)
    Obviously I’ve caught the bitterness bug – i just posted that my kids are assholes! Anyway what were the side effects for the Restless leg pills? And Ben – DVR – no commercials – I am afraid my friend that is the only way! 🙂 I am happily bitter!! yay!! oh no – I mean – whatever!!

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    • Even the happiest of people have the bitter flu every once in a while. I just have the full on disease and I like to share so everyone gets just a little more infected than they already are.
      Sadly, I like commercials because I used to want to be an ad man. Oh, bitter dreams.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Driving through a carpark: Why did that man leap out in front of me on the crossing and then smack the back of my car with his hand when I narrowly avoided crushing him beneath my wheels? Some people….

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  3. For some weird reason I too have found that excessive air quotes and even quotes in writing are a problem for me as I age. I fear that eventually my writing will only contain quotes. Everything will become a quote. I’m frankly a bit scared. I already have a problem with excessive punctuation. Will it continue and worsen? Allzpunctuation?

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  4. I’m glad you have finally diagnosed me. I am bitter that you have not proposed a cure. I thought you were going to tell me about some medicine that will have bitter side effects none of which are death (because that would probably cure bitterness, but maybe not, maybe I’d just be a really bitter ghost).

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