Hello from Seattle, where in a days time, the whole city will be rioting. Either because the Seahawks won the Super Bowl, or because they didn’t. Or they because the grass is too green in the downtown parks or because the mandatory 5th break per hour isn’t being honored by the union, or because some decrepit bridge is being knocked down. There are no shortage of people with nothing to do and no shortage or “causes” in Seattle for these people to be fake outraged by. There will be a riot tomorrow night and I will not be there to cover it, like the ever vigilant bitter person. Though I should probably fight for my bitter rights someday, I’ve never been overly motivated to riot because it is sooo much work.
Regardless of your allegiances, rooting or non rooting, tomorrow, about 50 billion citizens from the earth, Mercury, Mars, the Sun and from that planet that was in Guardians of the Galaxy will be watching the NFL at its dysfunctional best. Roger Goodell (or Roger Badell as he should be called) will be there screwing things up as per usual, Marshawn Lynch will be there talking up a storm to the media and Patriots will be skulking around trying to cheat at something else that won’t make any difference in the end. By virtue of the results of the game, the halftime show, the commercials or some other thing, there’s gonna be some bitterness, but for me that isn’t enough. I want all the people to be bitter. So, here are some ways for you to have a Super Bitter Bowl.
At the party
Just like at a wedding, seating charts are critical. You will want to put fan next to non fan. Introvert next to extravert. Commercial/Halftime fans next to football junkies. Single people next to kids. Dog fan next to cat fans. Seahawk fans next to Patriot fans. Awkwardness should be key. Do whatever it takes for these people next to each other. Guilt, family loyalty, or any other kind of fake emotion to keep them together and bitter. For instance: put Super Fan Girl that is wearing painted face(not make up, but completely painted in team colors face), jersey, foam finger, hat, head to toe, with her fantasy stats and the bets riding on the game, right next to guy that just wants to text his buddy about their accounting conference the whole time and is always asking what a why the quarterback is always throwing to a cornerback. Aren’t they the same thing?
Food. Make sure that you invite the couples that are divided on these things and bring the football fan to the kitchen as much as possible. Just when they get comfy and in a groove, and you sense a big play is happening, make sure you ask them how the food is supposed to be used, and request assistance on its preparation, the heat it needs to be at, how to keep it warmer or cooler, spices needed, anything to distract them from having any sort of consistent ability to watch the game.
Start a prop betting pool. For those people that aren’t familiar with prop bets(like I wasn’t until a few days ago), it is betting that has barely anything to do with the game, such as how many outfit changes the halftime entertainment will have to how many times the commentators will mention deflated balls. Make sure people are placing their bets when the game is getting intense and then claim that under duress they chose whatever was wrong and they owe you money.
Technology problems. Make sure your house is stocked with technology that will “accidentally” have glitches. Make sure to constantly pepper your guests with constant barrages of how cool the Super Bowl will look on your stunning 4K Ultra High Def 70 inch television with 7.0 dolby surround sound and with a DVR to rewind plays and watch commercials over that were awesome. Then when they arrive, excited to see the new TV, mention that it will definitely be awesome to watch it on that TV set up that you mentioned next year. But the black and white TV with the loose antenna is pretty awesome huh?
The Battle for the Remote Control. Forget to mention the hierarchy in your house when it comes to the remote control. As I have mentioned before, in our house it goes, Wife, Son, Daughter, Visitor, random stranger, fictional characters, aliens from the sun, other people’s kids, neighbors dogs, China, and then four spots after that, me. All we have to do is get through my wife’s Fix-Em-Up shows, my son’s The Amazing World of Gumball marathon, my daughter to waive her rights, then since you are visitor, you would get to go through your family hierarchy and the remote is yours. If you can figure out how to use it to get to the Super Bowl.
The Super Bowl brings people together like no other event and it’s your opportunity to create the riot that you have always dreamed of. Don’t let this bittertunity pass you by. Bitterest of luck to you.
Bitter Ballertunity Ben