How to Stage a Bittervention

Like this, except opposite.

Like this, except opposite.

The holidays are a hotbed of people being excited, happy to see each other, warm fires, fun chats with family and friends. The cold, hard reality is that you will be surround by insanely happy people.  Don’t worry, I know how hard this can be. Happy people are a really buzzkill to the gloomy, sad, bitter holiday you dream about.  What is more scary is that there is a special breed of person that is happy year round.  They somehow, someway have happiness despite all the bad things that continually happen around them.  They are heavily addicted to being happy despite evidence that they should be bitter.  It is for these extremely happy people that we need to intervene.  We need to help them reach their full potential of bitterness.  They need a Bittervention.

While I am most certainly not a doctor, I was falsely accused of being one once.  And I have a lot of experience being bitter.  Because I am constantly.  So, I will give you some scientifically proven to not work steps that will help you start a Bittervention for that overly happy person in your life.

Steps:

1. Talk to a professional.  Since you are on this blog and you are listening to my advice, you are already at the first step.  I am a professional.  Not at this kind of thing, but I didn’t say what kind of professional you had to speak to.  Also I am a bitter person that doesn’t get paid for his bitterness, so who would you rather speak to?  A trained and certified person that “does it for money” or someone that just lives, breathes and oozes bitterness out of his very pores?  Seems like a landslide decision on the professionals side.

Your team should look as ridiculous as possible in their costumes.

Your team should look as ridiculous as possible in their costumes.

2. Form a team.  Some people prefer a basketball, some swimming, others just like to be part of any group or gathering that just seems to be around.  Kick that kind of person out immediately.  You need the kind of people that absolutely do not want to be there.  Introverts are great for this kind of thing, because they don’t want to be at a gathering.  That would mean they would be forced to “engage in small talk” and ain’t no introvert got time for that.  Also, bitter enemies, or people that have been plotting revenge on the victim are ideal people to be there.  What you want most of all, is for people there to be cranky and on the verge of saying something really bad.  Promise to serve a hearty meal, then pull out light refreshments for the victims participants and be ready for chaos to ensue.

3. Choose a bad location.  As the real estate people like to repeat over and over and over and over again, “Location, location, LOcaTion.”  I’m not sure what they are talking about because I’ve never heard this thing before (as I’m sure you haven’t heard it either) but I think it means something like you have to live in one.  And that there are lots of them.  And you should just randomly decide where to live because that makes sense.  So, location.  It could be at a Christmas Party where the most embarrassment will happen, or it can be in a dark alleyway that happens to have a little light.  Let’s face it.  No one else is using the dark alleyway, so what is the harm if you use it.

5. Make sure every person in the room tells the victim optimist why their happiness is just so annoying.  This is an obvious step, but a lot of these steps are obvious.  I’m just rehashing what someone else says.  Don’t you know that there are no original ideas, just ideas stolen from others and remixed? Anyways, if telling someone that they are annoying doesn’t work, then you need to start finding a chink in their very annoying armor.

Make sure you lie to your victim so they dress ridiculously.

Make sure you lie to your victim so they dress ridiculously.

7.  Invite the person to the meeting without telling them what it is about.  I like to tell the person that we are going to their “surprise birthday party” even though their birthday was 7 months ago.  Or I like to lie to them that they are getting a promotion at work, or that they are pregnant(this one didn’t work for a guy named Greg I did recently), or that they are going on Let’s Make a Deal, starring Wayne Brady and that they should dress up in as ridiculous an outfit as possible so they can get his attention and get chosen to get a Zonk.

8. Randomly skip steps.  As a non trained Bitterventionist and amateur counter, I can’t quite count in order all the time.  And steps are made to be broken right?  That’s the clique expression I’m supposed to say right?

9. Be prepared if the victim sicko lame optimist refuses treatment.  If they refuse, then make them do it anyways.  Nothing helps people want to do something more than when they are forced to do it.  In fact, some people even do the opposite thing sometimes, they love getting forced to do things so much.

Enforcement of the rules is the best part.

Enforcement of the consequences is the best part.

13. Enforce the consequences. This is the fun part for the “team”.  Anytime you see the optimist doing something optimy, members of the group can flick them on the arm, or make fun of their favorite sports team for being so bad, or they can put them in time out and make them practice brooding and stewing silently in their “dark place”.  This will assure the optimist that they never know who is lurking and stalking them to enforce consequences.  It is similar to shock therapy, but more psychologically intense in nature.  It will so screw with the optimist’s head that even seeing a bit of sunshine will cause them to break out in bitterness.

14. Make sure you record the whole thing and write a screenplay about it.  Hollywood movie awaits.

Let’s help our optimist friends break the cycle of happiness and joy and help them realize their true bitter potential.  Stage an intervention today! Or just annoy the crap out of them until they join the bitter side.  Either way.  See you in the brooding corner!

ARRRRGGGGHHHH

Bitter 14 step Program Ben

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51 thoughts on “How to Stage a Bittervention

  1. I’m reading along and I’m thinking THAT was fourteen steps? Wait… What? No it wasn’t.
    Oh yeah, refer back to Step 8, Randomly skip steps…hah!

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  2. Ben, Actually your campaign of bitterness is growing on me…but don’t tell anyone, I’m supposed to be a humor writer. Hahaha, I get more bitter everyday at the rudeness of people, lack of consideration for others, their willingness to run red lights and not give a fiddler’s fart if someone is going on the green. Go ahead, hit me.
    But I digress. I am on Step 1 of my Bittervention, and I must point out that you are the consummate TV watcher; you cite the “Let’s Make a Deal” show, and earning a Zonk, etc. God, man, will you get a life? I’m headed down, baby, down. I’ll be in the bowels of life soon, as are you. Tsk tsk.

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    • I do my best to watch TV whenever I can. Let’s make a deal comes on during my afternoon break, so of course, I can’t resist watching people make fools out of themselves for a little bit of money. But I’m glad to see you going down a bitter spiral. Keep up the bitter work!

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  3. In the Doe household there is bitter: JD, and there is mostly happy: yours truly. He’s been trying for more than 17 years to make me bitter (though not intentionally) and it hasn’t worked yet, with occasional exceptions for brief forays into bitterness. I am extremely happy he does not read blogs; he would stage a bittervention for sure!

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  4. How about you dress up like Santa Clause, get a job at the mall, and tell all the little children that Santa doesn’t exist. Then, pull off your beard and open your eyes really wide– for effect. Merry Christmas.

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