It’s finally December, which as you know, means that it is finally time for awesome characters to come out of the woodwork, like Scrooge and the Grinch stealing Christmas and all kinds of evil villains in movies, like Boss who makes you stay late on Christmas Eve and Boyfriend who is a little too into work or rival girl at work who gets promotion because she sweet talks the boss instead of being more qualified. But this time of year also brings about scents. I think we can all agree that it is the best time of year for them. Here are some of my all time favorites.
Common Scents – There is actually none of this during the Holiday Season. For instance, when was the last time you saw something advertised on a Black Friday sale that you wanted, that was actually in stock that you didn’t have to fight some crazed lunatic for that was actually in stock when you got there? Or when was the last time Wal-Mart actually opened up every check out lane they had? Or when was the last time this holiday was in July where it would be easier to travel and not get stuck in the snow somewhere? Or when was the last time you didn’t overspend just to get gifts for people you don’t like?
Burning Rubber – Ah, the smell of cars getting stuck in snow and trying to get out by continuously hitting the gas and continually not realizing that doing that will ever get you unstuck. Or the smell of snow tires getting installed on your car for $700 and then not needing them. Talked about burned…rubber.
The Scent of Failure – Take in a deep whiff of this, because it is all around you. Failure to make it on time to work because there is ice on the roads. Failure to get anyone at all the gift they wanted. Failure to have a decent party that anyone wanted to attend. Failure to get anything done at all at work. Failure for anyone to have a rational argument about saying Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays. Failure to come up with a post about anything that isn’t related to holidays or family or music for the whole month of December.
The Scent of Dying – The scent of leaves being crushed underneath snow, and feet and deer. The scent of the death of Thanksgiving and Halloween by the juggernaut of Christmas. The death of your savings account by sales, heating bills and party paraphernalia. The death of power in your house because of rain, wind, snow and hail. The death of hope that your favorite sports team having a chance of winning a championship. The death of your lawn, garden and trees that you worked so hard to maintain throughout the summer (you, not me.)
The Scentcership – Kids are around all the time, which means you need to censor your language. Things like, “Hey kid, there is no Santa Clause!” or “Hey kid, I got this really cheap plastic toy from the dollar store for you, because I think you have too many toys.” or “Hey kid, despite the fact that your parents say you can’t play violent video games, you actually watch even more violence on cartoons on a daily basis.”
The Scents of Other People – Because it is so cold outside, people decide to stay inside for most of December. Instead of sending your kids outside to play, they have to stay inside. Instead of going to the beach or to the forest or to your backyard, people are gathering inside. They are wearing sweaters, and Ugg Boots and mittens and not as much deoderant. So guess who we smell instead of the outdoors? Others.
Fire – Smoky the Bear spends all spring, summer and fall telling me, “Only YOU can help prevent forest fires!”, but as soon as it starts to get cold, we want fire in our fire place and fire on our scented candles that smell like Pumpkin Pie and fires on our stoves and oven. Heck, we would build a fire in our microwave, if it meant that we could speed up the process of pizza getting warm.
Bitterness – My favorite of all smells. The smell of kids not quite getting everything they want. The smell of the holidays starting to get to everyone. The smell of people getting excited for a movie and then it not meeting their expectations. The smell of a trip gone wrong, a relative annoying them, or a goal not met.
May all your wishes not quite come true. May your holidays be just shy of your expectations. May your smells be not quite what you wanted. May you scents that this post is going to make you bitter.
Bitter Nonscents Ben