Bitter Ben’s Book’s for Bitter Beginners

This would be more of a set of Encyclopedia's for me.  Or Google if you're too young to remember encyclopedias.

This would be more of a set of Encyclopedia’s for me. Or Google if you’re too young to remember encyclopedias.

I work with a bunch of babies all day.  Children.  Whiny Brats.  They cry all day, and need to be fed and given attention all the time.  Any time they need something they ring and I’m supposed to answer.  This makes me fully qualified to write bitter things about them.  Along with being a bunch of babies, the customers I babysit all day also can’t seem to read.  I can’t read this is the manual, or I can’t find this thing in the pricer or I can’t find where http://www.iamanidiot.com is located on the computer.  Besides customers I talk to all day, there are a number of children out there that need help too.  As you may know, not all children are completely cheerful and happy all the time.  The bitter children of the world are not having their needs met by the cheesy and positively upbeat kids books out there.  So, I’m throwing my bitter hat into the ring of multi-billion dollar a year industry (according to Shark Tank everything is a multi-billion dollar industry) with my line of Bitter Book for Bitter Beginners.

Though I can’t share the complete book with you, or else you would buy them from me, here is some of the books and a sample sentence or two.

 Bitter Ben gets Caught in Traffic

Bitter Ben was in the car.  Bitter Ben has a scar.  Bitter Ben didn’t want to go very far.  Yet, here he was in the car.  Bitter Ben dad wanted to make par. Bitter Ben thought that sounded bizarre. Yet here he is still in the car.

 Bitter Ben’s Halloween

Bitter Ben likes candy.  It makes his tummy funny.  It makes his mom crazy.  Bitter Ben wanted to go door to door.  All the houses.  All the treats.  His neighbors were freaks.  They were geeks. They were clowns.  They were hanging upside down. This made Bitter Ben frown.  He wanted to go to town.  So he could get all the candy.  So his mother could frown.  She removed all the full size bars.  She removed all the tasty candy.  She left Bitter Ben with root beer barrels and crackers.

Bitter Ben doesn’t want to Go To Work Today

 Bitter Ben had a hard day yesterday.  Things went very badly.  The phones would not stop ringing.  The co-worker’s would not stop asking him to do things.  His boss would not stop making Ben’s head hurt.  Paper kept stacking up.  The sky hasn’t even turned on the light today. The bed feels too soft this morning.  The tickle in his throat “all of a sudden” came.  The temperature on his head “suddenly” grew much hotter.  Bitter Ben doesn’t think he is going to work today.

The Crack on Bitter Ben’s Mom’s Back

Bitter Ben is playing at school.  His friend tells him not to step on the crack.  He says it will break his mom’s back.  Bitter Ben walks into the store with his mom.  His mom buys salad.  His mom buys tomatoes.  His mom buys skim milk.  His mom buys granola bars.  His mom buys kale.  His mom does not buy Fruity Pebbles.  His mom does not buy Snickers.  His mom does not buy his Cherry Limeade.  Bitter Ben steps on a crack on the way out to the car.

Bitter Ben’s Sibling Rivalry 

Bitter Ben is not good at music.  His sister is.  Bitter Ben is not good at skiing.  His brother is.  Bitter Ben is not good at drawing. His other sister is.  Bitter Ben is not good at sports.  His other brother is.  Bitter Ben is not good at reading.  His brothers and sisters are.  Bitter Ben’s parents don’t pay attention to him.  Bitter Ben realizes he is good at jumping off the roof.  Bitter Ben is good at breaking the vase.  Bitter Ben is good at making noise.  Bitter Ben is good at spilling the trash.  Bitter Ben’s parent’s pay attention to him now.

Bitter Ben Goes to A Football Game

Bitter Ben gets to go to the football game.  His parents dress up.  His mom wear a shirt that is blue.  She paints her face white.  She wears a wears shoes that are white and a jacket that is blue.  His dad wears a white wig.  He wears a shirt that is blue.  He wears pants that are blue.  He wears gloves that are blue.  They try to dress Bitter Ben in blue.  Bitter Ben doesn’t like his blue shirt.  He doesn’t like his white shirt.  Bitter Ben likes his red shirt.  His parents tell him he needs to wear blue and white.  Bitter Ben throws a fit.  Bitter Ben will not be consoled.  Bitter Ben will not go anywhere unless he wears his favorite red shirt.  Bitter Ben is the only person at the whole game that wears red.  People are screaming.  Mostly at his parents.  For the choice of color that Bitter Ben wears.

Alright. Enough free samples.  Now let’s get back to the part where you give me money for something I do horribly. The Bitter Book line of Books for Bitter Beginners will be out soon and will also be illustrated horribly by me.  I’m not going to get some horribly good artist part of my profits just by scribbling pictures that I could not possibly do myself.  Now get back to doing your jobs that you can’t stand so you can earn money that you can send to me monthly for my terrible books.

ARRRRRGGGGHHHH

Bitter Bookie Ben

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54 thoughts on “Bitter Ben’s Book’s for Bitter Beginners

  1. I can relate Bitter Ben. I found myself hating more and more people everyday that even a friendly stranger waving and saying hello to me makes me shudder. It makes me wonder about my personality sometimes.

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    • I imagine my book at the top would be a large one, especially considering how many people I have talked to in my career of phones.
      I actually really think it would be a good idea to complete some of these books and make it into a series.

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  2. Shark Tank would give this 10 teeth up! A Great White idea! This will take a huge bite out of childhood illiteracy too. Can’t wait for you to FINish the series. Don’t get distracted because you have bigger fish to fry. This is a definite Finner…. er…. Winner!

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  3. I absolutely Love your kids books!! How much more fun that would have been to read when my kids were learning, than the stupid Kathy and Mark they had here in SA (Janet and John in UK!)
    Please publish them – for the parents if not for the kids! 😀

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  4. If you need a bitter co-author to make the writing process even more horrible, my book of people I want to punch in the face is also encyclopedia size. And I got an early start, so educating bitter beginners should come pretty naturally.

    Bitter Ben had a dream. Bitter Ben would write a book. His stories made his mother scream. But children took a closer look. Bitter Ben could teach all day to children with a certain gift. Bitter Ben could teach the way for children to learn bitterness. Bitter Ben had great success in teaching children bitterness. And the world was made a bitter place by Bitter Ben and his bitter face.

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