As the internet’s number 2(because who is more bitter than someone who is only second best) leading expert in Bitterness, I have not once been asked to give a lecture or speech on how it is done. When I figured out that people had absolutely no desire to learn the bitter trade, that is when I knew I had to do it. Because nothing makes people more bitter(other than being number two) than to be told to do something that they don’t want to do. (See any job that you are doing that you aren’t getting paid a million dollars to do, or that makes you work more than a few hours a day.) So back in the early days of this blog I created the B.I.T.T.E.R. School of Bitterness. Since then, no one has signed up or paid me a penny of tuition. But I will keep cramming it down the throats of anyone that reads this.
Today’s lecture is on how to be a successful Bitter Person:
1. Know your enemies weaknesses. This one comes in handy all the time. Some people may not like when you stalk them in order to find out their weaknesses, but that is okay. Because now you know that that person doesn’t like to be stalked and they already have shown you their first weakness. Remember, everyone has a weakness. It may take you all of 5 seconds to find the surface ones, but always go further. Dig so deep that you are pointing out weaknesses that THEY don’t even know they have. The most important part is to exploit them in any way you can. If they like confronting people face to face, be subtle in every way with them. If they are private people that like to fly under the radar, push them out into the public. Whatever you do, push them to the brink without them knowing that it was you. Always have someone else to blame.
2. Treat everyone as an “associate”. That is the business world’s way of calling you a cow-orkers. Think about the ways that you treat your cow-workers. Contempt, fury, anger, resentment, envy, jealousy, rage. Now, translate that feeling of being trapped with these people at a cubicle or desk, in the field or in the sky to others in your life. Treat you neighbor as you would your co-worker. Treat your co-church members as you would your cow-workers. Treat other party goers, or people you are at the park with or even your family as you would your cow-workers. If you do this, you will be a better bitter person for it.
3. Live Murphy’s Law. I know laws are really boring to read about and not many of them make sense to anyone but scientists or lawyers (maybe cops too), but this one makes perfect sense. Especially in the life of a bitter person. I suggest not so much a mantra, but just a general attitude about this law. Everything that can go wrong, will go wrong. No matter how good the day might seem, always be seeking for ways that you day will go wrong. And even in the depths of your bitterness, at the worst part of the day, always be imagining something worse happening to you. If you are ever vigilant in your Murphiness, you will find that bitterness will always find you.
4. Go on a vacation to a tropical land. One that you have high hopes for. Hawaii, the Virgin Islands, the Bahamas, or the Bermuda Triangle. Imagine only the most peaceful relaxing thoughts that you could ever have about that location. Imagine white, sandy beaches, a light breeze, sitting in a folding chair reading something on a Kindle. Forget all about the horrors of travel. The last minute packing, the forgetting of everything essential, the transportation nightmare of airlines, the sweatiness and crowdedness of the beach, the nightmare of coming back to a house that isn’t clean and a job that hasn’t been covered by any of your associates, the fights you will get into as a family and individuals, the lack of good drinking water, the overpricing of food, lodging, souvenirs, and the overall pressure of cramming all your fun into one week. Don’t forget the pressure to get a just right tan and false “happy” memories so you can be the envy of your cow-workers, that will just get their revenge by making you do more work when you get back. Going on a nice peaceful vacation will do wonders for your bitterness.
5. Start things that you have no intention of finishing. Some people begin with the end in mind. That is just plain foolish, because no one ever really “finishes” something right? Sure, you might temporarily finish something, but really are you ever finished? Give me any example of a thing you finished and I will tell you that you haven’t. Finished with school? Are you? Go to college. Get a master’s. Get a doctorate. Get another doctorate. Tell me you have finished things at work. That’s a good one. Finished your novel? Now started editing it. Wait, there are still errors. Plot holes. Grammar errors. Things that just weren’t true. Stuff that doesn’t quite add up. Whenever you think of trying to accomplish goals and how you just want to put a check mark after it, just remember, you will just have another thing that doesn’t have a checkmark. For those that are completionists, you will always be bitter.
6. Miscommunicate. The key to any bitter relationship is miscommunication. Make sure that any time you are talking with an associate, you are always clearly miscommunicate. The easiest way to do that is to speak another language. I’m not talking about English and Spanish(though that would help), I’m talking Male and Female, or Adult and Kid, or Sarcastic and Serious, or Technical and Plain or Sports and Non-Sports. Whatever language someone else is speaking, make sure you are speaking another. It is vital that whenever you communicate, no matter how you do that you throw something in that can be taken another way. The more hostile the better. Becoming a strong miscommunicator is the key to becoming a strongly bitter person.
I have a lot more to teach you of course, but you stopped listening after the first paragraph and I have a job to ignore and cow-workers to annoy right now, so we will continue this lecture later. (Yeah, like I’ve ever finished anything.)