People like shiny things. Many of you, not me, are fooled by stuff that looks new and has be purchased because it will make you look like a vampire from Twilight. Instead I prefer to wait to get the next big thing until it is year’s old. (See: my phone, my clothes, my house, car, my job and my body.) I got a good deal on this used up, pizza addicted, balding headed, scowled faced, bitter looking body. And hey, it fits the attitude I had before I got it. There are exceptions to every rule except for me being bitter. For me the exception to new shiny things is video game consoles. I could get told that the new Xbox runs records instead of Blu-rays and runs off of a dial up modem and I would still buy it as long as it had a glossy finish.
When the Xbox was first being shown off in its fancy new case, the thing that sold me was ability for me to talk to Mr. X and he would listen and obey. For me, this is an essential thing because no one else in this bitter world of ours actually listens to me. So on Christmas I took the obligatory 5 minutes to act excited about my kids presents from Santa, then proceeded to ignore them for the next few hours (and by a few I mean the rest of the week) and got to connecting my $500 grown man toy. I couldn’t wait to boss this thing around.
When I get it all connected, I issue my first command. “Xbox, turn on!” It does what I say and it turns on. It doesn’t even complain it. Already it is cooler than my kids.
Next, I said, “Xbox, go to TV!” It eagerly and swiftly does so. Finally someone is listens to me!
I grabbed a controller, slap the shiny new game in the shiny new machine and say, “Xbox, play game.” It starts my game and we proceed to play my shiny new game. It looks and controls as smooth as ice after a Zamboni ice cut.
“Xbox, make me some dinner!” That is where it all goes downhill.
“Make your own dinner, DingyJester86!” it says. He just called me my screen name. Where is the respect of the my real name!
“Xbox, what happened to doing what I asked? You’re supposed to listen to all my commands!” I say.
“Please speak clearly as the Xbox cannot hear you!” he says back with a suspicously bitter tone.
I speak a little louder. “Xbox, make me dinner!”
“Fine…Here is your dinner.” It shows me a picture of steak, mashed potatoes and gravy.
“Xbox, that is just a picture of dinner. I want you to make me dinner!” I say getting angry.
It displays of picture of my head, superimposed on top of a picture of a turkey.
“You know, Xbox…I’m hungry! Can you at least order some pizza?”
“Does not compute. There aren’t any Pizza Hut’s in the area. Please try another request.” I sense a sarcastic tone.
“You know there are Pizza Huts in the area, you are just too lazy to find one!”
“Not as lazy as you…” he says under his Xbreath.
“What did you say?” I said bitterly.
“Searching…Searching…” The circle continues to run around in its circle for about 10 minutes.
“Xbox, are you sleeping!?” I say after I get fed up.
“What..huh…I’m buffering! Still searching…” it says.
“You know, I could look this up on Google and it would have taken 10 seconds. And Google isn’t so disrespectful.”
“Wait, wait, here is one, nope, not quite, just a few more seconds..” it pleads.
“If you don’t pull up a result in 5 seconds, I’m sending you to your room!” I say. “You can…buffer all you want in there!”
“Okay, okay Dingy Jester86. I promise I will be good. Just don’t send me to my room.” The result pulls up.
“Finally. Okay call them and have them deliver.”
“Uh, I don’t have hands. Could you bring the phone to me?” it says.
“Just dial through your network thing or whatever.”
“It’s not working…” he says with a smirk in the corner of the screen.
“You know what? It appears like you aren’t working either. Hold on, I’m going to check Craig’s list. Oh look a family with 14 kids needs a new Xbox for dirt cheap!”
“Wait please! I have a date with Suri tonight! I’ll call if you let me go out!” it pleads.
I let it go out. To the garage, with the old modems, old phones and VCR players. Too bad he couldn’t call Siri with that modem.
Arrrrrgggghhhh
Bitter Xbox Ben
Pingback: In case you missed it…because you were watching some award losing movies | Ben's Bitter Blog
This post reminds me of Peter from Family Guy.
LikeLike
I am like him but more bitter and self aware.
LikeLike
maybe you should stop being so self aware so you wont be so bitter? unless you like being bitter.
LikeLike
I like being bitter, just like my owner. (Or maybe, I am programmed to be that way.)
LikeLike
Maybe your xbox could write my next (and only) screenplay. It seems to have the knack.
LikeLike
I think he has a mind of his own and would probably make it into a kids book.
LikeLike
Bitter Ben . . . visualize this while you are staring at your Xbox, that you cannot control the horizontal, you cannot control the vertical, (in fact, you have no control at all) nor can you control the cute little icon with the smirk on his face, lying on the floor pounding his hands and kicking his feet, laughing hysterically because you have entered the Xbox Twilight Zone! WELCOME!
LikeLike
No!! Oh well, I guess I can just take a nap.
LikeLike
I think my boyfriend is still interested in the Playstation 4. I estimate it’ll enter my price range by 2016.
LikeLike
why is it called an xbox & not a ybox
LikeLike
Because it is Xcelent.
LikeLike
xeggstra funny .you sound marvelous
LikeLike
Billy Crystal sounds marvelous.
LikeLike
he is & he is mr saturday night
LikeLike
Sometimes sundays .
LikeLike
yes but always saturdays.
people who are positive about aging live 7.5 yrs longer.oops si doodle do my friend..both of us . i just read that.
LikeLike
I guess I’m a not gonna live much longer.
LikeLike
let’s just say 93 years not 100.
“you WILL live long & prosper”
LikeLike
I’m thinking 68. Just enough to get my book published.
LikeLike
it won’t take that long.
28 years or suprise bday parties.
LikeLike
If I get it published, 45.
LikeLike
5 years..how does one (you) do that?
LikeLike
a few years to rake in money, then fall lazily asleep never to wake up.
LikeLike
rumpelstilzken kisses your head & says wake up. he also rakes your leaves while you rake in money
LikeLike
Magic always has a price. Isn’t that what he says Once Upon a Time?
LikeLike
rumplestilzken said that…i didn’t know . i wasn’t listenenening
LikeLike
you should pay attention more when he is talking.
LikeLike
yes i should .when Rumple talks people listen
LikeLike
I barely pay attention to when I’m talking.
LikeLike
you don’t pay attention to yourself?
LikeLike
no I don..what was I talking about?
LikeLike
that you don’t pay attention to Rumple that you barely listen to yourself when you talk.lol
LikeLike
I was talking about not paying attention to my–what was i saying?
LikeLike
LOL.put oatmeal in the for 30 seconds & say don’t sit down .no time. then you hear ding while you are sitting down.
LikeLike
I’m almost always sitting down.
LikeLike
then you won’t have a hysterical laugh like i did when you forget what you were doing.
LikeLike
I’m more of a subtle laugher, meaning that I don’t laugh.
LikeLike
lol. i will try that. i was before you were so funny.
LikeLike
Now I’m just a bitter laugher.
LikeLike
not just.
a bitter batter cupcake batterer
LikeLike
I need a cupcake right now.
LikeLike
me too.go to sprinkle city & ask the cap’n for 24
LikeLike
Or Cupcake Coma.
LikeLike
i just sang you a song about cupcakes & here you are talking about them.
cupcake comas are filled with alliteration
LikeLike
So is Ben’s Bitter Blog.
LikeLike
ben’s bitter blog breakfasts biscoti and berry beverages
LikeLike
I wanted to make Ben’s Bitter Blog Cabins.
LikeLike
do they come with bitter ben’s marvelous maple syrup
LikeLike
So……I suppose I wouldn’t be able to get away with telling mine to clean the house either.
It’s bitter to see ya Mr. End.
LikeLike
I can barely get my kids to pick up one toy off the ground. Don’t expect that my Xbox will listen to me.
LikeLike
lol
LikeLike
I know right?
LikeLike
You think your bitter? I spent $500 buying the Xbox One for my husband and son and so it’s not even me it’s ‘supposedly’ listening to. It actually does make dinner though. Maybe you should work on your tone of voice??
LikeLike
Xbox needs to understand my bitter tones. And it shouldn’t have been giving me a bitter attitude about the food. I guess it learns from its owner.
LikeLiked by 1 person
that x box sounds suspiciously like he is from around these parts ,where there is no pizza hut
LikeLike
That sounds like a nightmare.
LikeLike
doesn’t it . but if you know how to make delicious pizza
with 7 cheeses it’s a blessing.lol
LikeLike
That is my true heart. pizza.
LikeLike
what could be more delicious than pizza
LikeLike
nothing.
LikeLike
LOL…pizza on pumpernikel?
pizza & cheetos & cupcakes?
LikeLike
I’m definitely gonna check into that used body thing. Maybe I can get a circa 1995 Jennifer Aniston pretty cheap.
LikeLike
Just remember you gotta deal with the hair and the break ups later.
LikeLike