Autumn Bitterness

You know it is a bad season when it is named after most of my embarrasing moments.

You know it is a bad season when it is named after most of my embarrasing moments.

I’ve heard enough.  There are a whole bunch of people out there on WordPress, television, Facebook and of course, the most popular social network, MySpace proclaiming their love of Autumn.  All I know is that at least 7 of my life’s top 15 most embarrassing moments are named after this season. You can say about all the nice things you want about Autumn, but what do we really know about it?  It’s the only season that goes by a different name.  Fall is as shady as the shade it decreasingly offers throughout its months.  What other bitter things does this “Autumn” bring on you might ask? Well, I am going to tell you.

Um...nope.

Um…nope.

The weather.  Some say fall weather is cool, or there is a crispness in the air, or it is brisk outside.  All these word are just code for I can’t wear shorts anymore. I have to wear long sleeves and I have to zip things up, button things down, turn on heaters, warm cars up, scrape windows and rub my hands together.  Sounds like a lot of work to me.  If it isn’t 70 degrees and sunny, it is cold outside.  Fall weather is not a gradual progression to winter, it is the harbinger of doom leading to us to the utter death that we call Winter.

Definitely no.

Definitely no.

Trees and leaves.  Leaves get all over the lawn that I neglect during the summer. They get on my car, in my car, in the woods, even on the streets.  If I drop one tiny piece of paper on the ground and a cop is nearby, I get fined $250 dollars. But somehow, a tree can drops its leaves from late summer to winter, whereever it wants and not once in the history of fines has a tree ever been fined. Not only do they not get fined, but they don’t even clean up after themselves.  Either I have to spend hours and hours cleaning them up(Yep, that’s me.  A guy that spends hours cleaning up after jerk trees.) or they sit in decay over an unending, lifeless winter.  I’m telling you, trees are jerks.

Fall food is so angry and bitter.

Fall food is so angry and bitter.

The Food.  Pumpkin flavored everything. Turkey, cranberry sauce, yams, stuffing.  Foods I wouldn’t eat any other time of the year and but all of sudden I’m asked to feast on this and get full and bloated even more than other times of the year? Because some tradition says we are supposed to?  And you expect me to cram candy down my piehole for three months?  How dare you, Fall!  Fine, I will do it, but I’m going to pretend not to like it.

School.  For those of you who have kids, summer finally ends and you get to kick the kids out of your house for several hours. Yeah! No more entertaining them all the time! The problem is that they keep coming back.  And when they come back they bring homework and papers.  Papers telling you that you have to go to the music recitals and back to school fests and ciriculum nights and PTA meetings and help them with projects. All this between 3 pm when they get home and 8 pm (when they are supposed to go to bed.) On top of that, you may have sports or other extracirriculars.  Oh and you may even have responsibilities for yourself.  And for those enjoying their summer commute without the lazy, slacker bad driving kids on the road?  Say goodbye to that in the fall.  Back to School Yeah!

This is just for the first day.

This is just for the first day.

As if my rant about school wasn’t over, say hello to Back to school Supplies.  You MUST have 85 pencils, 14 erasers, headphones, Iphones, cellphones, homophones, megaphones, rulers(no, they can’t bring me to school), compasses, GPS trackers, markers, crayons, backpacks, folders, a crate of paper, a thumb drive, hyperdrive, driver’s licensce, laptop, desktop, and top hat and all these necessary items to make it through a year in school.  Good thing you can take out a loan on your mortgage to pay for these “essential” items.  I’m also glad that the payoff for this is a college degree and a job with a Torture 500 company with benefits.  Or was it the ability to move to first grade?  One of the two.

The colors.  People say there is a romantic beauty to the changing of the colors.  Every day trees(jerks remember) fade to yellow, red, and brown.  If you asked most people what their favorite colors were, these would be on the bottom of the list.  But all of a sudden when fall comes around  shades of jaundice(yellow), blood (red), and poo..ls with browns leaves on them are beautiful.

Thanks a lot AUTUMN(or is it fall?)  I don’t even know who you are, but I do know this. You make me bitter.

Arrrrggggghhhh

Bitter Fall…ing Down Ben

 

 

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151 thoughts on “Autumn Bitterness

  1. You have quite a lot of comments here! I definitely think your sense of humor is contagious! I hope that you don’t Fall every Fall! Thanks for being around on my likes and times you have been there to read my stuff. I am way behind on reading yours!

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  2. Pingback: In case you got lost on the internet highway and didn’t find your way to Bitter Street.. | Ben's Bitter Blog

  3. Pingback: Friday Fall Pictures | Ben's Bitter Blog

  4. I like pumpkin flavored stuff, and the colored leaves are fine unless a tree takes forever to change colors and leaves half it’s leaves green and the other half orange. If they’re going to change, they should all change at once; and I don’t like cold. It’s always that annoying temperature where you can’t ever figure out how many layers you need and you’re always either too hot or too cold. At least in Winter you know you’re just going to be cold no matter what.

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  5. “Harbinger of doom.”
    Feeling extra bitter today, are we?

    Your trees are jerks. My trees clean up after themselves. Or maybe that’s the wind. Either way, the leaves always end up in the neighbor’s yard, so…..

    Running in the morning has become quite a bit chillier and it has me on the verge of bitterness. But the idea of running in place on a treadmill makes me even more bitter. *raises fist in the air* Darn you, Fall!

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  6. Could not agree more sir. Autumn is just the Grim Reaper disguised like brightly colored fairy- waiting to pronounce death on the kingdom. The dead season sucks and Autumn’s an accomplice.

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  7. I’m a huge fan of Autumn when it’s about mid July. But right now I am sitting beneath a fuzzy blanket and there is a space heater on the table blowing burning hot air on my face. And it’s 55 degrees outside. Harbinger of death, indeed.

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  8. Living besides the sea in a corner of England I find that the tourists all bugger off home in autumn leaving me little scope to rant on and on about how much I loathe their very presence! In order to enjoy and savour the rant of undiluted bitterness I find I need animate objects. I’ve never had a good row with a tree. Great post!

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  9. Pumpkin? Hate it in all forms except pumpkin pie, pumpkin butter, pumpkin lattes, and the pumpkin bread mix and pumpkin mousse cake from Trader Joes. Oh, and carved pumpkins. Otherwise, I really don’t like it.

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  10. P.S. I just reblogged it,… had to share! So glad, I get to post my bitterness here at the loss of my WP credentials! 🙂 Do know, that I also do not receive follow ups to replies, as I am sent fishing back to everyone’s site unless they reply by email, bummer!

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  11. Hi Ben! Lol, too hysterical, I loveeeeeeeeeee your blog, even though you are being a bit harsh on my favourite season :), it is still hilarious, I am so with you on ‘there should be fines for leaves’, lolol. So yes, I found a way to reply to my blogger buddies, you will notice, when I ‘like’, I have been stripped of my gravatar (I’m just a purple square, yup that’s me) and pen name by WP, but oh ya, I found a way around the system! I aint goin’ nowhere! Hey world, I am D.G. Kaye dgkayewriter.com

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  12. doesn’t it make you bitter when you have to put on a suit or get dressed up to go to the recitals? i remember twelth grade for one week every single night my father made a joke about how he had to put on a suit every night ,to go to dancing recital, violin recital, band recital, fine art center recital… i forgot the others probably graduation was in there.

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