I’ve heard enough. There are a whole bunch of people out there on WordPress, television, Facebook and of course, the most popular social network, MySpace proclaiming their love of Autumn. All I know is that at least 7 of my life’s top 15 most embarrassing moments are named after this season. You can say about all the nice things you want about Autumn, but what do we really know about it? It’s the only season that goes by a different name. Fall is as shady as the shade it decreasingly offers throughout its months. What other bitter things does this “Autumn” bring on you might ask? Well, I am going to tell you.
The weather. Some say fall weather is cool, or there is a crispness in the air, or it is brisk outside. All these word are just code for I can’t wear shorts anymore. I have to wear long sleeves and I have to zip things up, button things down, turn on heaters, warm cars up, scrape windows and rub my hands together. Sounds like a lot of work to me. If it isn’t 70 degrees and sunny, it is cold outside. Fall weather is not a gradual progression to winter, it is the harbinger of doom leading to us to the utter death that we call Winter.
Trees and leaves. Leaves get all over the lawn that I neglect during the summer. They get on my car, in my car, in the woods, even on the streets. If I drop one tiny piece of paper on the ground and a cop is nearby, I get fined $250 dollars. But somehow, a tree can drops its leaves from late summer to winter, whereever it wants and not once in the history of fines has a tree ever been fined. Not only do they not get fined, but they don’t even clean up after themselves. Either I have to spend hours and hours cleaning them up(Yep, that’s me. A guy that spends hours cleaning up after jerk trees.) or they sit in decay over an unending, lifeless winter. I’m telling you, trees are jerks.
The Food. Pumpkin flavored everything. Turkey, cranberry sauce, yams, stuffing. Foods I wouldn’t eat any other time of the year and but all of sudden I’m asked to feast on this and get full and bloated even more than other times of the year? Because some tradition says we are supposed to? And you expect me to cram candy down my piehole for three months? How dare you, Fall! Fine, I will do it, but I’m going to pretend not to like it.
School. For those of you who have kids, summer finally ends and you get to kick the kids out of your house for several hours. Yeah! No more entertaining them all the time! The problem is that they keep coming back. And when they come back they bring homework and papers. Papers telling you that you have to go to the music recitals and back to school fests and ciriculum nights and PTA meetings and help them with projects. All this between 3 pm when they get home and 8 pm (when they are supposed to go to bed.) On top of that, you may have sports or other extracirriculars. Oh and you may even have responsibilities for yourself. And for those enjoying their summer commute without the lazy, slacker bad driving kids on the road? Say goodbye to that in the fall. Back to School Yeah!
As if my rant about school wasn’t over, say hello to Back to school Supplies. You MUST have 85 pencils, 14 erasers, headphones, Iphones, cellphones, homophones, megaphones, rulers(no, they can’t bring me to school), compasses, GPS trackers, markers, crayons, backpacks, folders, a crate of paper, a thumb drive, hyperdrive, driver’s licensce, laptop, desktop, and top hat and all these necessary items to make it through a year in school. Good thing you can take out a loan on your mortgage to pay for these “essential” items. I’m also glad that the payoff for this is a college degree and a job with a Torture 500 company with benefits. Or was it the ability to move to first grade? One of the two.
The colors. People say there is a romantic beauty to the changing of the colors. Every day trees(jerks remember) fade to yellow, red, and brown. If you asked most people what their favorite colors were, these would be on the bottom of the list. But all of a sudden when fall comes around shades of jaundice(yellow), blood (red), and poo..ls with browns leaves on them are beautiful.
Thanks a lot AUTUMN(or is it fall?) I don’t even know who you are, but I do know this. You make me bitter.
Bitter Fall…ing Down Ben
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