I’m old and bitter and in need of not working all the time. Unfortunately, it takes a lot of bitter food and water to maintain this bitterly taken care of physique, so I have a job that pays for just enough of that (food and water). I get just enough vacation to keep me from going clinically insane (or any other kind of insane). Recently when a small two day window opened on our vacation schedule (days my cretin co-workers didn’t suck up like day old doughnuts) I decided to take the two days, and do what I do best. Sit at home being lazy while complaining about stuff that makes me bitter. Unfortunately, I got sabotaged, tricked and coerced (even though other people would have you believe that it was my idea) into going to a water park. Not just any run of the mill park that has lot of rides, a LAZY river, and a wave pool. No much worse.
It was only 2 hours away from where we live or 40 miles away from Canada. You know, worst of both worlds. If someone wanted to murder our family and hide them in one of the town’s closed down lottery Bingo Halls no one would have ever found us. The FBI would have been so depressed at this ghost town by the Lake, they would have got gas and turned right around. Even the Cold Case people wouldn’t have touched this one. Besides why in the heavens name would I have ever wanted to go even 2 miles away from my house? There’s a perfectly gross, disgusting tub I could have used to do anything you can do at a water park. Other than sliding down a huge 40 story slide. And paying $40 for pizza that is worse than a Little Caeser’s Hot N’ Ready $5 pizza. It cost us a half a tank of gas to get there and back. That’s only like $500 or so right?
Luckily, we had all kinds of things to do on our drive up to the Great White North. My kids turned into zombies once the car started rolling thanks to their Nintendo 3DS’s. I’m convinced there will never be a Zombie Apocalypse as long as portable electronics exist(stick a device in front of their face and watch them ignore you). My wife did the driving, so when I wasn’t sneakily playing my 3DS or checking my phone for yet another comment about how terrible I was in my YouTube video and how great Amanda was, I was telling my wife how great of a view we were getting of yet another tree, or another strip mall in yet another Bates Motel type town.
Finally we got there and prepared ourselves for the 3 minutes of thrills that we packed into a four hour time period. It only cost $78 for a family of four to enter the park, thanks to the $1 off we got for “Liking” the Birch Bay on Facebook. Definitely well worth the fumbling on my 4G Phone (reduced to 2G in this barren land) only for my wife’s much slower phone to get to Facebook up, type in Birch Bay Waterslides and actually hit “like” in order to get the 2 quarters, 2 dimes and six nickels off the ENTIRE BILL.
Finally in the park, I walked my completely white, completely lazy body inside the water wonderwhyland, took off my shirt and proceeded to not put on sunscreen. It’s not like I would be exposed to the sun and wet in a water park, right? So off I went with kids that were too afraid to slide down a 2 foot slide to convince them that it would be fun to ride down a slide that was nearly the height of Sears Tower. “There’s a huge pool at the bottom that slows you down. It’s only the 100 story drop that is scary!” I failed as I always do, so I decided to go do the “grown up” slides in order to prove that ,”I’m a man!”. For me, it wasn’t the height of slide that scared me, but the amount of stairs it took to climb up there. I was very disappointed that escalators/elevators seemed non-existent in a place that required you to go from low to high in order to use their product. It’s really hard to enjoy a superfun drop when you feel like you just ran a marathon. The lines were also horrendous. There was one time I had to wait at least a full minute to get on a ride. I’m not getting any younger and I had an appointment with the couch later.
Luckily after the 3 hour and 57 minutes of torture, we had the privilege of riding in the opposite direction. Everything looked exactly the same, except the opposite. At least I got to bring a souvenir with me. An increasingly painful epidermis. My skin went from an uncomfortable “Can we turn the heat down?” as we left to a “Can we get off the sun?” inconvenience. Good thing I had those all those thinning hairs to block the sun on my head. When we neared halfway home, we got an inkling that we should feed our kids. I say it was just my intuition, but my wife said it was the kids yelling, “We are so hungry that we are about to gnaw each other’s arms off soon if we don’t get something to eat!”. Tomato, Potato I say.
Part 2 Golden Corral Bitterness tomorrow. Same bitter time, Same bitter blog.
Bitterly Burnt Ben
- Friday Work Pictures Bitterness (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- Lazy Friday Picture Bitterness (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- Bittercast (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)