Zombie Apocalypse Bitterness

Headquarters for the Zombie Apocalypse.

Headquarters for the Zombie Apocalypse.

With the recent outbreak (get it?) of popular movies like World War Z and television shows like The Walking Dead people are worried about a zombie apocalypse.  They should be worried.  Though it appears that most of us are just normal, average, everday citizens, the Zombie Apocalypse is actually upon us right now.  If you don’t believe me, come to Seattle, drive by any number of their hideouts called “Starbucks” or “Tully’s” and you can see them slowly meandering.  Of course, after they leave these places they look like “normal citizens” but don’t be fooled.  They are just taking some “magic medicine” to recover from a long night of zombying. Plus, it staves off their zombie selves during the day.  Now that you know that there is in fact an outbreak to worry about, don’t worry.  I have some advice for all those that are worried about survival.

You will need three things to survive. Tools, Gas, and Food. Take all these things in your house.  When a zombie comes to your door, pretend to be totally scared and trip and fall.  Get up, “almost” make it to your supplies and get infected, by allowing the zombie to eat your brain.  Now that you have been infected, you are a zombie.  And you have survived.   No more stress about working out, eating right, or going to work.  Everyone will know that you are a zombie and that you are to be avoided. There is nothing better for a bitter, passive aggressive person than having an excuse to avoid small talk.

At first, there may be some peer pressure from other zombies to “eat some brains” or “go infect some others to join the zombie cause”.  Don’t fall for this.  You may think that once you become a zombie that is “what you are supposed to do”.  But what they don’t tell you, is not all zombies are front line material.  Let the ones that go to Starbucks, the positive and enthusiastic ones, the ones that want to be famous, or the ones that want to suck up to their zombie bosses become the ones that get burned, axed, knifed and shot.

As soon as I get infected, couch, TV, zone out.

As soon as I get infected, couch, TV, zone out.

I am going to be the bitter and lazy zombie.  I will be the one that sits on the couch, eating the food that I saved and watching TV.  I will use tools that I gathered up to get my internet fired up so I can do my Ben’s Bitter Zombie Blog and tell the world about my bitter experiences about being a zombie, like when back really hurts from walking with a slight limp, or how there is never anything good on TV.  It will complain bitterly about how it seems like the only thing on TV is the Zombie Outbreak of 2013, or entertainment shows like ZET (Zombie Entertainment Tonight).  “On tonight’s show we explore the strange tweet of “Zombie Katherine Zeta Jones”.  Is she having a zombie affair? Also, later in the show, when will we see the first photos of Zombie Baby North West?

The only reason Zombie Kim Kardashian looks like this? Lots of non Zombie makeup.

The only reason Zombie Kim Kardashian looks like this? Lots of non Zombie makeup.

What will I use the gas for? I will save up the gas for road trips to the beach.  Most of the gas will be looted by the “non infected” because they are trying to burn my fellow front line zombie bitter rivals.  That means gas prices will go up.  But I will have already horded the gas in my house.  I will have so much, I may even sell it to the non infected for really high prices.

Here is where I am going for the Zombie Apocalypse.

Here is where I am going for the Zombie Apocalypse.

And don’t worry, you can decide against following my advice and not embrace your zombie side.  Go ahead and be on the run all the time.  You may get in shape, but you will be stressed out all the time.  As if your job isn’t stressful enough, now you have to go to a mall just to survive with your 5 annoying non zombie allies.  You aren’t even friends.  The only thing you have in common is that you are trying to survive being human. That sounds like is worth it.  Just follow my advice and embrace the bitter things about being a zombie.  Like complaining about celebrity reality zombie stars that are only famous because they got burned by a human on TV.

Arrrrggghhhh Brainzzzz

Bitter Zomben

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66 thoughts on “Zombie Apocalypse Bitterness

  1. Pingback: Bitter 5K | Ben's Bitter Blog

  2. The thing is I think I would be really good at surviving the Zombie Apocalypse. I feel like my life thus far has been training me for such a disaster. So the impending Zombie doom might be my chance to be really popular. Everyone will be all like “Megan, you’re so great! Please let me live in your Zombie proof fortress!” and I’ll say “No!” unless I do like them or they bring me cookies as tribute.

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  3. Do zombies need sunscreen? And they can’t go in the water so wouldn’t going to the beach suck? If you’re drunk when a zombie eats your liver does the zombie get drunk? I have so many questions about zombie life…

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  4. Pingback: Bitter Sleep | Ben's Bitter Blog

  5. Maybe you will find everyone taking off on your idea. Too bad you can’t be the Bitter Ben Lazy Zombie Movie Director and make some money off this awesome take on the universe! But alas, you would not want to direct unless they had a couch and the pizza/food cart lowered to coffee table level. Just nod, point and eat while the movie promotes laziness. But somehow I believe that lazy zombies may stay thin, after all, if brains somehow feed the running ones, maybe junk food cold be the “go to” food (or “to go” food!) for Lazy Zombies! Always a bitter sweet visit.

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    • I thought about doing a movie about it. Maybe instead of directing, I will write it and take credit for how awful it is. It’s has always been a dream of mine to write a Hollywood Box Office Bomb.

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  6. Watch out! How can you know that your personality doesn’t change as a zombie? May be you become accidentally merry – and than? Ben’s happy zombie blog? How does that sound…..

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  7. OMG I have to thank you Bitter Ben, I have been a zombie all these years and I didn’t know it, I frequent one of their hiding places almost daily! No wonder people are always saying “Friends don’t let friends go to Starbucks.” Oh darn, I guess that also explains why I have no friends, with the exception of you of course Bitter Ben. I suppose this will also end my quest to meet Brad Pitt too, that is if I wish to remain one of the walking dead.

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  8. See I don’t know why more people don’t prescribe the Ben’s School of Bitterness? This makes absolute sense to just accept your fate as a zombie and enjoy it. Stay out of the limelight kick back

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    • I know right? Why wouldn’t one want to be more educated on how to be better at bitter? Why would someone want to be a zombie that chased people all the time? Doesn’t it get kind of tiring always chasing people? Now that you are a zombie you don’t have to go to a job. Just sit around and relax for once.

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  9. I never thought about it this way, and (if you watched the movie “Warm Bodies” you can eventually get your heart to beat again (through love), and sort of stave off the mindless zombie brain eating…

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  10. I feel like I would live through a zombie apocalypse and that it would actually be awesome if there were zombies, because they would eat all of the stupid people. Plus, I would get to take out my pent up aggression on zombies. Win win.

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