With the recent outbreak (get it?) of popular movies like World War Z and television shows like The Walking Dead people are worried about a zombie apocalypse. They should be worried. Though it appears that most of us are just normal, average, everday citizens, the Zombie Apocalypse is actually upon us right now. If you don’t believe me, come to Seattle, drive by any number of their hideouts called “Starbucks” or “Tully’s” and you can see them slowly meandering. Of course, after they leave these places they look like “normal citizens” but don’t be fooled. They are just taking some “magic medicine” to recover from a long night of zombying. Plus, it staves off their zombie selves during the day. Now that you know that there is in fact an outbreak to worry about, don’t worry. I have some advice for all those that are worried about survival.
You will need three things to survive. Tools, Gas, and Food. Take all these things in your house. When a zombie comes to your door, pretend to be totally scared and trip and fall. Get up, “almost” make it to your supplies and get infected, by allowing the zombie to eat your brain. Now that you have been infected, you are a zombie. And you have survived. No more stress about working out, eating right, or going to work. Everyone will know that you are a zombie and that you are to be avoided. There is nothing better for a bitter, passive aggressive person than having an excuse to avoid small talk.
At first, there may be some peer pressure from other zombies to “eat some brains” or “go infect some others to join the zombie cause”. Don’t fall for this. You may think that once you become a zombie that is “what you are supposed to do”. But what they don’t tell you, is not all zombies are front line material. Let the ones that go to Starbucks, the positive and enthusiastic ones, the ones that want to be famous, or the ones that want to suck up to their zombie bosses become the ones that get burned, axed, knifed and shot.
I am going to be the bitter and lazy zombie. I will be the one that sits on the couch, eating the food that I saved and watching TV. I will use tools that I gathered up to get my internet fired up so I can do my Ben’s Bitter Zombie Blog and tell the world about my bitter experiences about being a zombie, like when back really hurts from walking with a slight limp, or how there is never anything good on TV. It will complain bitterly about how it seems like the only thing on TV is the Zombie Outbreak of 2013, or entertainment shows like ZET (Zombie Entertainment Tonight). “On tonight’s show we explore the strange tweet of “Zombie Katherine Zeta Jones”. Is she having a zombie affair? Also, later in the show, when will we see the first photos of Zombie Baby North West?
What will I use the gas for? I will save up the gas for road trips to the beach. Most of the gas will be looted by the “non infected” because they are trying to burn my fellow front line zombie bitter rivals. That means gas prices will go up. But I will have already horded the gas in my house. I will have so much, I may even sell it to the non infected for really high prices.
And don’t worry, you can decide against following my advice and not embrace your zombie side. Go ahead and be on the run all the time. You may get in shape, but you will be stressed out all the time. As if your job isn’t stressful enough, now you have to go to a mall just to survive with your 5 annoying non zombie allies. You aren’t even friends. The only thing you have in common is that you are trying to survive being human. That sounds like is worth it. Just follow my advice and embrace the bitter things about being a zombie. Like complaining about celebrity reality zombie stars that are only famous because they got burned by a human on TV.
- About Zombies Part 2! (soipondered.wordpress.com)
- World War Z (2013) (chadwickhsaxelid.typepad.com)
- 5 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen (njcscitech.wordpress.com)