Bitter Bucket List

See the helmet? I didn't wear one of those.  See all those weeds he is whacking.  I only did a few. See determined he looks?  That is how bitter I was.

See the helmet? I didn’t wear one of those. See all those weeds he is whacking? I only did a few. See how determined he looks? That is how bitter I was.

Yesterday when I was giving our ditch a haircut and experiencing this weird sensation called pain(I’m never going to do this work thing again), I realized I was going to eventually kick the bucket(the stupid bucket keeps appearing in our yard somehow and I’m pretty clumsy). I’ve heard of a thing called a Bucket List in which people list things they want to do before kicking the bucket.  I have decided to do my own.  Here is a list of bitter things I want to do before I injure my toe slightly.

-I will eat some bitter breakfast.  Perhaps some thistles, a nice cabbage and a chard on the side. Hey, a dude has to eat.

Play video games for 34 hours and 13 minutes straight.

– Jump off the top of the 7,430,003,093rd largest building in the world.  My clothes drawer. Arghhh my ankle.

– Learn the meanings of some English words, like the, it and and.  Also discover what sweet means.

– Annoy everyone in the world. I’m almost done.

With all the Bitter Battling and Feuding going on between these two factions, I declare a winner:Me.

With all the Bitter Battling and Feuding going on between these two factions, I declare a winner: Bitterness.

– Cause a bitter feud between DC and Marvel Comics Fans.

– Get crumbs in someone’s laptop without laughing at them.

– Egg someone’s house with toilet paper.

– Go back in time for like a whole hour.

– Discover the Fortress of Solitude, Atlantis, Mt. Olympus, a good sandwich at Subway, the Loch Ness Monster, and Bigfoot.  The difference being that all those are possible except the good Subway Sandwich.

Still more of a possibility of discovering that finding a good Subway Sandwich.

Still more of a possibility of discovering than finding a good Subway Sandwich.

– Spray lemon-scented Pledge on someone’s cut.

– Take over a Pirated DVD ship.

– Adopt a baby iced breathing dragon and raise it to cause an ice age in Alaska, Northern Canada and the North Pole.

– Follow a bitter bricked road until I get tired.

Me after running 50 feet.  I turn black and white.

Me after running 50 feet. I turn black and white.

– Run 50 feet while breathing really heavily.

– Learn to say bitter in two languages.

– Step on a Lego in the middle of the night.

– Start a Spider Farm for Arachnophobes and Ron Weasley.

Run in terror Ron Weasley and other Arachnophobes.

Run in terror Ron Weasley and other Arachnophobes.

– Invent a temperature between burning your flesh off warm and icicles under the fingernails cool.

– Change the water in all oceans from saltwater to bitterwater.

– Go to Arizona and fill in the big hole with cement(the Great Canyon or something), and go to South Dakota and change Mt. In-a-hurrymore to the Four Facebooks of Bitterness.

Need to fill this sucker up with some cement.  Don't want to have a big hole in Arizona.

Need to fill this sucker up with some cement. Don’t want to have a big hole in Arizona.

– Listen intently to crying or whining babies.

– Have an overnight dinner party with ghosts and really sensitive, uptight people.

– Open my eyes while sneezing.

This seems like a long list of things that I need to do before tomorrow because I predict that I will kick the bucket and I will be really bitter at my stubbed toe.  As you know I am really ambitious when it comes to nothing.  So I can’t wait to see how few of these come to fruition.  Bitter fruition.

Arrrgghhh

Bitter Bucket Ben

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68 thoughts on “Bitter Bucket List

  1. Pingback: The Bitter End…of the Year | Ben's Bitter Blog

  2. My honey stepped on one of those little round ham-bones found in a ham steak, strategically placed by our dog after chewing off all the clinging meat. This happened about two years ago, and he is still bitter.

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  3. That is Walt from Breaking Bad! I didn’t know that he was moving his methlab to some backwater woods in Georgia–that’s awesome, now the show can go on for another 5 seasons! What’s that you say? I’m mistaken? Great…now I’m bitter…

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  4. You haven’t lived until you step on a lego. Did you not have those as a kid or something? Your parents must have been starting you on the bitter path from a young age…

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    • My brother did the Lego thing when I was young. I tried to put them together put they were too complicated. How do you stick one to the other? Boring. I want my toys to be already assembled thank you.

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  5. I think your ambition has now exceeded your bitterness. Also that thistle diet sounds ilke something Eeyore would eat, and Eeyore is always bitter, so that is nice consistency. Bitter is “amargo” in Spanish and “amer” in French. Maybe that is why the French are so bitter to Americans?? Je deplore the snitty French!

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    • Eeyore is bitter, but not an ambitious bitter like me. He is a lazy bitter, but not as lazy as me. He is only a mediocrely bitter dude. In fact, he isn’t even humanly bitter like me.

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  6. You forgot to add that you want to climb Mt. Everest and plant bitterroot at the top of it, then be bitter because it won’t grow. Your list makes mission impossible look like a kids game–except for running 50 feet and TP’ing someone’s home. You have a home, but you might not have a wife after you’ve defiled it with raw egg.

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  7. Wow, that weed whacker almost looks like Walt from Breaking Bad….there were a lot of your bucket list items which would create bitterness – but my fave is the bitter breakfast. Yow. You hit that one right on the head!

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