My Bitter Rights

/ bensbitterblog
I have the right to believe that Superman invented America.

I have the right to believe that Superman was the one protecting us from all the firework accidents yesterday.

I broke from tradition on the 4th of July and moved outside of my house to do something.  We spent some time with some weird people (I think my wife called them family) and did activities.  Activities are those things that require you talk to people and move around and work your muscles a bit.  We did this thing called canoeing, where you place this long canoe-like thing in the water and you take these things called paddles and move them in some random way to get you into the middle of a lake and then back where you started.  Seemed a little pointless to me, because eventually at the end of the day I ended up in my bed sleeping like I should have the entire day in the first place.

It got me thinking though about the reason why we celebrate the 4th of July.  History tells us that it was because this group of pilgrims had an epic birthday party in 1776 and someone accidently shot off some fireworks.  Then, the President of the United States (played by Bill Pullman), decided to get on the top of a car and declare to some people this to be “our Independence Day”, by fighting back against an alien attack.  In the end though it was about my rights as an American citizen.

Bill Pullman starting Independence Day.

President Bill Pullman declaring Independence Day.

-I have the right to be bitter.  Thank goodness for that because if not for that, I would just be a regular happy-go-lucky, happy-to-be-here person like the rest of Murica.  Someone has t0 balance out all the joy that happens here.

-I have the right to have this ultra annoying, terribly written, grammatically incorrect, horribly badly spelled blog that contains all kinds of ridiculous writing on pointless and meaningless things.

-I have the right to lay on my couch and do nothing in the privacy of my own property.  I have the right to own property, by paying some really badly run government office, that raises my taxes arbitrarily because they sense that someone is raising them somewhere else.

This is why I look so calmly bitter on the outside.

My right to be passive aggressive with people who don’t show up to work today.

-I have the right to be passive aggressive with whoever I want by giving bitter stares at whoever is in the range of my stares.  I also have the right to talk indirectly about things that make me bitter about a person right in front of them with someone else.

-I have the right to complain about people missing, say… a day after a holiday, that I have to work, and do their work for them.

-I have the right to complain about terrible food that I didn’t cook or pay for just because it is too dry.

-I have the right to forget that really clever thing that I was going to say.

My right to take bad pictures of fireworks after they have gone off.

My right to take bad pictures of fireworks after they have gone off.

-I have the right to take really bad blurry pictures, post them on Twitter, start a series called Bitter Blurry Pictures and makes lots of money for them.

-I have the right to let my gas tank get down to fumes before getting way overcharged for gas.

My drive home last night.

My drive home last night.

-I have the right to feel like Batman driving the Batmobile through the streets of Gotham as fireworks are shooting at me on the way home.

Most of all, I have the right to end this post at any time because I feel like it and you can’t make me write anymore.

Arrrghhhh

Bitter Freedom Ben

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97 thoughts on “My Bitter Rights”

  2. Pingback: Bitter Sleep | Ben's Bitter Blog

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  6. OMG LOL I have the right to die laughing with tears streaking down my face while reading bitter Ben’s 4th. Thank you Ben for finding me so that I could find you. So damn funny!

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  7. I think we have several common blog friends as I have seen your name at times. I also see you have visited my blog…and would like to say thank you *s*

    Tis some interesting thoughts you have one … rights lol. I will have to remember some of them. (I especially loved the right to take poor photos lol.)

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  8. I am so for bitter stares, and indirect bitter comments. God, I laughed a bit too loud at the fireworks-after-they’ve-gone-off photo. SMIRK!

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  9. Hey BB, I am so glad to see you standing up for your “Bitter Rights” or “The Right to be Bitter” or “A Bitter Man’s Right to Spread Bitterness” or whichever comes first. Needless to say, I am proud. I also want to thank you for your non-recommendation to see “Click” with Adam Sandler. You will be bitter about my review, but I actually liked it. I thought it was funny, and I loved his kids, and his bitter relationship with the little boy who lived next door. I did not like now serious the movie got only because I pick up comedies to laugh, not to think. (How ignorant of me to say that). Anyway, thanks for the non-suggestion to watch the movie. I know you are bitter that I liked it.

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  10. I would have spent the fourth feeling bitter that my husband was working a double shift, but it was too humid. Bitter is not a soggy emotion. Depression is, but it lacks the cachet. Today I am bitter because my blog never gets as many comments as yours.

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    • Sounds like you have a ton to be bitter about and that makes me bitterly excited. I don’t like working double shifts. In fact, the only double shifts I do are on naps. As far as comments, I think people just feel bad for me because I am so bitter.

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  12. I sat at home on the 4th. When the fireworks went of, some JERK yelled :”Whooo Hooo” like he was a five year old child. He did this about 50 times, till I nearly barfed. Yes…I was bitter. I had to drink four glasses of sour lemonade to stay sweet.

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  13. I like how you say “Murica” like you are Gallagher, wearing a beret and a Pippi Longstocking ensemble. Perhaps you could smash some watermelon with a sledgehammer in celebration of our independence from that country that we later saved in WWII.

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  14. I wish I had the right to ask any one of the four cars parked outside my house right now that aren’t people visiting me to park elsewhere before I call the police.

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  16. I like the phrase about the right to have an, “…ultra annoying, terribly written, grammatically incorrect, horribly badly spelled blog.” Great blog entry.

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  21. I like your Bitter Bill of Rights! And I must agree that driving home last night did feel like driving the Batmobile. However, by placing safety 3rd, we used our roman candles to safety fend off the bottle rocket attacks from my neighbors as I drove around their fireworks display (in the middle of the street) and through their manicured lawns. Yes! Definitely a win for America!

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    • I actually chose the best time to drive home. We were in Port Orchard most of the day and we drove home just at the fireworks were going off in Seattle and so we would see big ones in random areas and there was no traffic. Which occasionally makes me bitter.

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  22. I thought you’d like to know the first picture in your post triggers a virus alert on Avast antivirus when the page loads. Now I’m bitter because I can’t see the pic.

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  23. Way to celebrate your rights. Have you spoken to your congressperson yet about making sure these rights are encoded in law? You must love congress, right? So many bitter people taking actions that make others even more bitter all the time.

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  27. I am joining you in the belief that Superman protected us from all those firework accidents yesterday. And the right to feel like Batman in the Batmobile while driving home at night while fireworks are going off.

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