Wanted: Bitter Rival to Share Bitter Feud with

I want to stare at you bitterly before destroying you in debates, long feuds on the beach, etc.

I want to stare at you bitterly before destroying you in debates, long feuds on the beach, etc.

Hi, Bitter People and others.  There is something that I want to get off my chest.  I have to admit that lately I’ve been feeling empty.  Don’t get me wrong.  Being bitter is great and all.  But I have been missing something my whole life and this morning I finally figured what it was.  I need a bitter rival to share a passionate bitter feud with.

I want what these guys have.  Bitter looks and the intent to destroy each other.

I want what these guys have. Bitter looks and the intent to destroy each other.

If Auburn and Alabama, Superman and Lex Luthor, Batman and the Joker can have that special Bitter Rivalry, why can’t I? All my life, I have stood alone in my bitterness and that’s what I thought that bitter people were supposed to do.  Every once in a while someone would come along that I would feud with that would stoke the fires of my bitterness for a time, but then they would just get comfortable with me and tolerate it.   I need more people.  So, I’ve scoured the malls, climbed high mountains(hills really), sought them on television and books, I even tried bitter sites on the internet like bitter.com, bittersweet.com and even tried Bitterrivals.com and found nothing.  So I have swallowed my pride(not at all) and decided to place a personal ad for a bitter rival on my blog.  Here goes:

40 yr old Bitter Male, seeking Soulfeud with Bitter Rival, Enjoys: long feuds on the beach, blog, outside, inside, upside down, inside out, in a box, with a fox, in a room, with some doom, in a boxing ring, with a spoiled king, bitter eggs and ham.  Also, enjoys sitting on couch fuming, watching television stewing, and being passive aggressive at all times.

Things we can Feud about: sweet people, nice things, small talk, phones, animals(cats especially), trees, plants, fresh air, exersize, candy, poetry, flowers, bright things like diamonds, the sun, light, good grammar and spelling.

Places we can feud: WordPress, Twitter, Facebook, inside, outside(prefer inside)

You could exersize while I spot....

You could exersize while I spot….PHOTO COURTESY OF http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.co.uk

Attributes I’m seeking in a Bitter Rival: Positivity, inner goodness, optomism, passion to find something good in even the most vile, willingness to overlook bad things happening in life.  Must enjoy: making me bitter without knowing it, being outdoorsy, hiking, tenting, biking.  Enjoys talking and filling every empty awkward silence with more awkward dialogue about nothing.

Superpowers preferred but not required.

If you think you have what it takes to be my bitter rival, leave something in the comments below, so I can bitterly oppose it.

I can’t wait to bitterly destroy you in all our future feuds.

Arrrghhhh

Your Bitter Rival

Bitter Ben

267 thoughts on “Wanted: Bitter Rival to Share Bitter Feud with

  1. Christ there are way too many comments here. I’m going to try and steal your people. You probably won’t miss them, but if you do, at least we’ll be able to have a proper bitter war instead of this pansy stuff you got going.

    Me attempting to steal your people: *clears throat* “Hey. Come check out my blog. It lacks energy, but the sex is pretty good.”

    Just kidding. There’s no sex. But there are balloons. Which are a lot like sex.

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    • You can have them. All these people are just making me bitter. Then I can stop responding to all these freaky unbitter people. As far as a bitter rivalry, I ready to step it up for a bitter to the death.

      Like

  2. Pingback: Computer Bitterness | Ben's Bitter Blog

  3. Sorry BB… can’t possibly squeeze a wedding in this week, ring me next week and i’ll see what i can do for Thursday. With any luck, we’ll have smashed our first set of plates by Sunday.

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  4. I would put in my application, but you already know about my secret plots to be a villain for Evil Appreciation Day (doesn’t really work for a superhero, right?) and we’ve been bonding over Man of Steel. I suppose we’ll just have to be League of Evil mates.

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  5. I’m fairly certain I’m a bonafide superhero. At the very least I’m a gifted ninja. I haven’t decided if I want to use my powers for good or evil yet.

    If I decide to shun the dark side can we be bitter rivals?

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  6. Pingback: Time zone bitterness | Ben's Bitter Blog

  7. I’m bitter.

    I’m 27 years old and there was a moth in my bedroom two nights ago. I am incapable of killing bugs for fear that their friends are going to come after me in my sleep (totally rational) so instead i threw a wet paper towel at it… essentially a giant sized spit ball. I missed (shocker) and it flew away no where to be seen. I went to bed.

    The next morning I woke up, grabbed my bathrobe and lo and behold the moth was in my bathrobe. Screaming ensued.

    Last night I came home to see the SAME moth on the wall directly above my bed. MF’r. I got a paper towel wet, (again, totally rational) and decided to scoop him up.. the wetness would prohibit him from flying anywhere, right?? Wrong. The moth flew at me, screaming ensued, I slept on the sofa.

    I am bitter.

    -S

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  8. Pingback: Bitter Awareness Week | Ben's Bitter Blog

  9. I’m going to post pics of beautiful, happy, smiling girls in the sunshine all day long with links to your blog. I don’t think it will define me in any way as your rival but it will make a lot of people bitter when they click the link and get to your blog instead of a beautiful girl ❤

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  10. I exemplify the attitude of gratitude. Breast cancer? No prob, Im grateful that I live in a country that has great healthcare and I have insurance. Lop off my boob? It’s cool. Im happy to be alive, and I had a bean bag boob that did a good job of faking it. Go through chemo? Not an issue! I lopped my hair off and had fun with hats and wigs. Get a boob from my abdomen? Great, now I have a tag line for a post and I can brag that I have a nipple-less boob. Have fibromyalgia, bipolar disorder, IBD, inflammatory arthritis? Good to go, they just make life more flavorful. Need a trach for severe upper respiratory airway restriction? Ahhh….well….sigh. Attitude slipping a bit….BUT Im grateful that my upcoming surgery gives me a chance to breathe freely during the day! So you see, Im your girl! (Im running in slo–mo toward you with my now re-grown hair flying around my face….)

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  11. Can’t stop laughing 🙂 People seems to be really keen to fight with you and your bitterness. Rescue you with cheering you up, try to move you with fidget and hope to get a grin for a smile …. Well I mean that’s beginner’s level! First and basic lesson: IGNORING

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  12. Pingback: Bitter News with Pictures | Ben's Bitter Blog

  13. So, I have most of those traits… but I am angry a lot too. Like I am bipolar without being clinically so. Also I am in control if it, I don’t go off the rails like lets fucking kill ourselves.

    Also I do not want to be the Lex Luther to your Superman… BUT I do love the outdoors, and camping, and being happy about shit when I can be does that make me your Dufinshmerts (which I cannot spell for the life of me)?

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  14. I’m going to throw my hat in the ring – I like reading, writing, knitting, crochet (especially creating cute little animals) and sewing. I have an inability to say no to people which means I get trampled on and taken for granted and yet somehow keep a smile on my face (even though inside I may be grumbling, I could certainly never show it in public, although sometimes I have the odd rant but I feel so guilty afterwards). I’m like the British version of Elle Woods from Legally Blonde – a film that I’m guessing would make you extremely bitter in account of its shiny-ness. Which is another thing – I love sparkly shiny glittery stuff. Any good?

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      • But it was such a pretty hat. With flowers and bows on. And it was pink. How could you stomp on such a thing? Nevermind, I shall dust it off and rescue it with love.

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        • I think Hello Kitty is a worthy adversary to your bitterness. I bet she kept on smiling sweetly as she pummelled you. Although I think you need to remember that Hello Kitty was just an innocent bludgeoner. It was in the hands of your daughter that she did most damage.

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    • You can’t destroy something that in deeply imbeded inside someone. To take away my bitterness would be to take away me. Kind of like if you were trying to remove dynamite from a bomb, everyone would explode.

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  15. My nickname is Bile, the queen of bitter. When I see a chick smile I just haul off and hit her. If an old man says “have a nice day” I burn out his eyes with my acid spray. A worthy rival I’m sure you’ll agree. Good luck finding someone more bitter than me.

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  16. Good luck with that. You could be your own worst enemy by playing the movie PolyAnna over and over and over again any time you feel the need for a bitter rival.

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      • That’s the point, oh wonderfully bitter one. You don’t have to find a nemesis. When you need on, all you have to do is play that infernal movie.

        Ah, but I believe what you are really looking for is an incurable optimist to mentor. Your satisfaction will be to turn sweet to bitter, bland to well seasoned, eternal happiness into infernal sarcasm. You are looking for conquest, not uncomfortable companionship.

        Let me know if you’re going to make a reality series out of that. “-)

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  17. Nah, no way I could qualify. Lots of grammar and spelling stuff in comments above. I was an English major and hated that s —-. Still bitter about it. Hope you get some good, exTREMEly bitter rivals with whom to feud! Btw, I need one of those ab flatteners, PRONTO!

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    • If you got the money, I can probably produce one for you. I’ve got some good candidates. In fact, I might have 3 or 4. They could all have the combined happiness of the world and I would still crush them all with my bitterness. I didn’t even think about that. Maybe one bitter rival isn’t enough!

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  18. I know how to make you bitter! Let’s GET MARRIED !! It only takes four years for men to loathe me, I have been married twice, so Bitter is a specialty of mine. When I make pancakes, I put BITTER in the BATTER. When I make STEW, I stew about it. When things get tough, I get going all right…All the way out the door. 🙂

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    • If you couldn’t tell by pretty much the last 14 months, I am already bitter. Besides, I’m pretty sure Mrs. Bitter would probably have issue with me marrying you anyways. I’ll ask her though.

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  19. I have felt that I needed a good arch rival in the blogosphere. But really, I don’t know if you’re really worthy of being considered my rival. I mean, maybe you’d be a good starter feud for me, just to get my feet wet. If this was a video game, you’d be like a level one boss.

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  20. Our first bitter blog rivalry will focus on your desire to feud about good grammar and spelling. Exersize is not a word. However, exercise is. And yes… I AM enjoying (tremendously) making you bitter right now without knowing it. So, I will accept your challenge. Game on.

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  21. Dammit I’m only positive 73% of the time. The rest of the time I’m riding the loudmouth train to snarksville. Let us know who prevails as your bitter co-chair. Awesome challenge. Thanks for making me feel bad about myself.

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  22. THIS IS SUCH AN awesome challenge. However, I’m certain you’ve met your match in me, BitterMAN, cuz I see rainbows DURING hurricanes…:). And though I frequently wanted to annihilate my younger brother with a small box of C4 while chucking his lazy ass from my Grandmother’s house (after he stole more than $50K from her), I never got bitter, and I’m still not bitter because the entire eviction process beginning to end produced 100+ pages of my memoir…

    Anyway, let’s take exercise first…I take it you’re against? Except for Suzanne Somers bizarro THIGH MASTER, I’m pretty much PRO yoga/lifting weights/exercise machines/pilates, etc., and I have more energy now than when I was 20-something (and 40 is tiny spec in my rearview), and I lost 60 pounds from diet/exercise…:)

    And if you don’t think I’m the best candidate as your BITTER rival, I’ll be glad to argue that point as well, and I do have two SUPERpowers…I make prize-winning chili by SCENT alone (long story as to why), and I make healthy food taste good,

    So, the problem with exercise is – ? GO!!!

    ~TB
    P.S. Though I’m pro working out, I thought your cartoon re: the Flattener was hilarious! 🙂

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    • You have definitely moved past the first round of Bitterness rival. There will be tests though. I will need you to walk here to Seattle and tell me that you aren’t bitter at all at having to walk.

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      • OMG! I would LOVE to walk cross country to Seattle from OHIO! How awesome!!! So, Forest Gumpish! LOL…Can I take Route 66? Are you buying/paying for the trip? Then, I’M IN…:) Otherwise, we might have to continue our pugilistic endeavors in cyberspace for a bit until I can afford the trek…

        Love and organic chocolate chip cookies…
        TB ~
        P. S. >>>>>>>GO…:)

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        • Of course the trip will not be paid for. It is a test of your shinniness and how you react to my custom made bitter trials for you. If you are still smiling and glowing from within, then you may be the next… Bitter Rival(reality show coming to NBC).

          Like

        • OKAY, I’m still smiling, and I just began a feux KICKSTARTER campaign to finance my trek from Ohio to Seattle…:), and according to Mapquest, once I have the $$, it’s over 2,000 miles, so I’m guessing it’ll take me six months, give or take…so I’ll keep you POSTED on that…:)

          And keep the trials coming! 🙂 I’m one of the few individuals who LOVE taking/performing tests! When I was a junior in college, my Greek History professor wrote ONE question on the board for our final, which was: Describe the history of the Greek People from 50 B.C. until the 1960s, including any and all heads of state, cultural shifts and various types of government structures.” With a smile of GLEE that few Meth Heads could muster after their first snort/toke of their beloved poison, I dug in and wrote 9 pages in lieu of walking out as most of my classmates did. And I wasn’t even bitter when I received a B+ (89%) for my effort. I was high on the challenge/experience, LOL …TOP THAT, BitterMAN…:).

          In love and newborn PUPPIES…
          TenaciousBITCH…

          P.S. In case you’re wondering WHY my name is Tenacious Bitch since I’m so eternally shiny/happy…it’s because I may get ANGRY when my foes do not play fair, and I will most certainly retaliate and win, but I never get, dare I say it? Bitter…merely jubilant in conquering whatever confrontation is bestowed upon me…

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        • Perhaps you should consider drinking some of my special bitteraid to slow down your near Meth like hyperactivity and glee for life. I’m afraid that you will go so fast to Seattle that you will accidentaly go a little too far and end up in the ocean. You shine is causing my dark bitter eyes to go blind. But don’t you worry. The 364 days of rain and clouds in Seattle will seap inside your shiny brain and dull it to a cloudy sheen.

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        • NO, no, Bitterman, I shall not guzzle the BITTERman’s Kool-Aide, for even if I did drink of your mood-altering brew, it t’would not quell my internal sunshine. If my shininess is too much for you, perhaps, a good pair of Ray Bans would help! 😉

          And should I end up in the Pacific, HOW LOVELY that would be!! Why you ask? I’m afraid, you’ll have to let your fingers do the walking this way:

          http://tenaciousbitch.com/2012/10/29/post-78-moments-of-joy-and-things-i-hatein-honor-of-my-mother/

          And I LOVE rain! Additionally, not to worry about the overcast skies, I find a certain chiaroscuro-ish beauty in a gloomy skyline! So, I’m afraid even the rain/clouds cannot diminish my GLEE one iota…but keep trying, BitterMAN, for I am so enjoying the quest to pummel the BITTER out of you with my UBER happiness!

          God Bless, and have a COKE and a smile…
          ~TB

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        • Wow pummeling bitterness out of someone sounds very aggressive and mean. It sounds like bitterness is creeping into your very sunshiney heart. I wear Ray Ben’s in order to keep happiness out.

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        • LOL! No…one can be aggressive without being bitter. Perhaps, you should look up both the definitions on dictionary.com…:), but thanks, for the reminder that it is so easy to turn from aggressive to the bitter, should one dwell upon the negative too long, which I choose not to do…plus, I can PUMMEL you with words, my friend, since I don’t have six months to walk to Seattle from here in order to pummel you in person…:)

          May your day be filled with rainbows and UNICORNS bearing free bricks of gold…:)
          ~TB

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        • LOL! Thank you, BitterMAN. I needed a good laugh. With lackadaisical attitude, it’s a wonder you have the energy to type a reply or to even feel bitterness – since that requires breathing and everything – and especially drafting a response to one who is fast becoming your nemesis…:)
          🙂
          More rainbows and unicorns and newborn puppies to you…
          ~TB

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        • It took me a while because I am lazy. I eat unicorns for breakfast every morning and use the horn to to throw at new born puppies. The rainbows are black and white around here.

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        • Oh, my, going for the jugular, are we? Abusing newborn canines! Ah, but even this shall not sully my LUST for the positive, dear Ben! Again, your lazy derriere/fingers permanently parked upon your cyber couch has failed thee. In that, by definition a RAINBOW…cannot be such if it is only two colors, hello!

          I believe you are in need of an infusion of MY KOOL-AIDE because if you remain on your cyber couch much longer, you shall surely die from poor circulation! 🙂

          That said, I believe we need a new topic! I have to ask, dear Ben the BITTER, what is wrong with long walks on the beach as I recall something about such on your esteemed and dark pages, did I not? I would imagine that a long stroll upon the sand would do thy gloomy spirit some GOOD! 🙂

          Love and chocolate ice cream cones with sprinkles…
          TB

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        • Fuck no, I don’t take credit card debit, but I’ll trade $45K in debt if yours is less, LOL! 🙂

          How smart of you to acknowledge my nemsis-ness :). It is now my SECOND mission in life to obliterate your bitterness after creating world peace :).

          If rainbows and unicorns don’t work, I might have to Fed Ex you some of my prize-winning chili…it ’tis, they say…the BEST ever…though I’ve never actually eaten it myself…

          Ciao, BITTER BEN, be prepared to have your bitterness WAXED away by my SHINY SHIT, LOL…

          Have a most AWESOME DAY, all righty, then? 🙂
          ~TB

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        • DONE…but, well, maybe not…Maybe, your just too BITTER to enjoy it…however, MAYBE…if you read my latest post I just uploaded…unless you’re TOO BITTER to read something funny AND positive…:)

          I dare you!
          TenaciousBITCH…and her band of SHINY friends…

          Like

  23. Hello Ben. I feel your pain and I am willing to engage you in a rivalry so bitter that it will make the rivalry between The Hatfields and the McCoy’s look like child’s play. I am a positive person, always looking for the good, willing to forgive, and very much the peacemaker. All of these traits should make you very bitter and will continue to help re-fuel your bitterness toward humanity. So will it be Bitter Ben -vs- Positive Pinky, or will you declare your defeat now.

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    • You have all the traits of my bitter rival. I will never accept defeat by the hands of you and your niceness. Bitterness will prevail against the plight of the goodness trying to take over the world. I will use my power of passive aggressiveness to overcome your sweet happiness!

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      • I will continuously deploy my passive niceness (My superpower) to win you over as bitterly as I can. I have decided to give away all of my worldly possessions just to prove to you that I am worthy. I have joined the Peace Corps and will be starting my first assignment tomorrow delivering medical supplies and water to war torn countries all over the world and I will be making this voyage by sea with just a canoe. Once I have completed this mission, I have secured a position at the World Health Organization (WHO) where I will be the Director of Bitterness (DIB). My assignment will be to find a cure for bitterness that will produce the least amount of side effects. You’re going down BB.

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      • Yes, BB you have dibs on all of my belongings. I will haul everything on my back and deliver them to your house personally. I am in New York, so I should be there by June of 2014. This will delay all of my other plans to join the Peace Corps and my DIBs assignment, but I will do whatever I have to do to make you less bitter, or bitter less, anything but a bitter mess,

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        • By the time you come to Seattle, I will have moved my fortress of Bittertude. And you won’t know where it is. You will be left searching for it. Doesn’t it suck when you are lost?

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        • Lost without you. You are the wind beneath my wings. Did you ever know that you are my hero? You’re everything I would like to be. (Except Bitter) Your radioactive waves will register very high on my bitterometer and I will find you. By the way please forgive me for my typo earlier. I will be the Director of Bitterness (DOB) and you can be the Director In Bitterness. (DIB) We obviously have different roles, I will direct away from bitterness and you wallow in bitterness.

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        • I am the Iron Man of Bitterness. Just like his armour is attracted to him magnetically, the bitterness of the world is attracted to me and makes me stronger than all my happy enemies.

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      • Unfortunately for you my friend, steel is stronger than iron and my suit is made of pink steel (I just added a little Kool-aid, who knew?) so you lose. You might want to re-think your plan BB cause it looks like my plan is working. I saw thousands of people smiling and very happy just the other day. (They were all drunk at a concert but the smiles still count). Will you gracefully wave the white flag of surrender?

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        • The smiles you saw were fake plastered on smiles that were drinking to mask their inner bitterness. Just below all your smiles and optomism is all kinds of bitterness. Just let that bitterness come out. You just can’t stand that you can only get 2 bars instead three on your phone right?

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      • Of course not. I will test a thousand new spots until my phone gets better reception just so I can call you to brighten up your bitter day. Dr. Phil and I are working on a new strategic plan to eradicate inner bitterness that is masked by fake smiles. You will be our first Guinea Pig or as we affectionately call you, our Bitter Pigger. Smile.

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      • And, yes, it’s the most recent post entitled: PUTTING THE WHAMMY ON EX-HUSBAND #5 or tossing him in jail…or something like that. Not sure – t’was into my third glass of Merlot when I penned the title, LOL…:)

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        • LOL…didn’t see a comment, but I’ll look again. Actually there are fewer than six. I merely state so in order to throw off the LEGAL dogs if you know what I mean…however, either way, I’m not bitter. I feel pretty lucky that so many men wanted to marry me. Too bad they couldn’t make good on their promises and treat me well. Their loss, my current old man, Charlie, says about the whole sordid business…:)

          Tis not in my DNA, BitterBen, so I suggest you give up the quest and wash the BITTERNESS from your soul because assimilation is FUTILE after all! 🙂

          Shall we discuss why the lack of GOOD films in Hollywood is or is not A SOURCE OF BITTERNESS, LOL?? In particular, the lack of good COMEDIES, the last few of which I tried to stomach left me annoyed to say the least…
          ~Ciao ‘old friend…
          TENACIOUSBITCH 😉

          Like

  24. When I first read this, I thought I could never be your bitter rival because I respect you too much. You are the best bitter friend a guy could ever have.

    But then you listed the attributes and and I could not help but think I may be qualified. I try to be a positive guy, the outdoors are great, I love riding my bike, and I just bought a new tent for me and my boys to go camping. I may be disqualified because I do not like to overlook bad things, I don’t mind awkward silences and hate useless dialogue about nothing. Maybe you can test me out with a trial battle.

    Have a wonderful day.

    Like

  25. I recommend you seek out a friend who looks like Samuel Jackson. This worked out wonderfully for Bruce Willis in “Unbreakable” his friend wound up being his arch enemy/bitter rival. Or in your bitter case maybe the other way around, you should be looking for Bruce Willis. If that does not work I suggest you get married. There is nothing more contrary, more frustrating, more infuriating than some one you have vowed to love to the bitter end who is NEVER (and I do mean never) on the same page about anything as you are.

    Like

    • I am the Samuel Jackson of that story and this is a brilliant idea. Make friends with someone who is really nice and quietly lead them to believe we are friends, then destroy their pure selves at the end. Also, family is a good source for bitter enemies. Thor is just one example.

      Like

    • You are right because my bitter rival can have no sass or sarcasm or a touch of bitterness at all and you most certainly have some of that. It will take someone really good at caring about others to be my rival.

      Like

  26. I think we’re already rivals but I know that I make you bitter so I guess I’m out of the running…. But I do enjoy it so maybe not….

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  27. This sounds like a challenge 😀
    I’m not sure I fit all your criteria, for instance I would not like to feud in a box or with a fox. I am mildly claustrophobic and foxes can get pretty rowdy at times. Plus, I’m only bitter sometimes. I occasionally slip up and use “lol”, although I am not actually laughing out loud and I think that makes you bitter (enters “lol” now).

    Like

    • In order to be my bitter rival you will need to be nice to the core. Your happiness would need to shine out of your eyes and mouth. Since you have a modicom of bitterness you don’t qualify. You should consider joining my League of Bitterness though….

      Like

    • Nice try, sir. Your sunshiny response to my call for bitter rivals is quite transparent. I see right through your nice shiny exterior and can see your cold rotting inside. You are bitter and I can see it. Unfortunately that makes you ineligible to be my bitter rival. Nice try though….

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      • Damn, you saw right through me. The sun was in my eyes and I was bitter because I had to drive in instead of taking the bus. The birds chirping caused me to not be able to hear the radio so that made me extra bitter so I had to turn on the A/C. The A/C made it too cold in the car so I just turned everything off and drove in to work all pissed off. I do like to argue, that was my only hope.

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  28. Thanks for the laugh Bitter Ben. I promise it was a dark, evil laugh – not the happy giggly kind. I would offer to be your bitter rival, but I think it would be a conflict of interest for being bitter collaborators.

    Like

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