I have a dream that one day this will happen…for me.
I have a dream that one day my life will be similar to human life on the spaceship from the movie Wall-E. Not for mankind in general but just for me. If you haven’t seen the Wall-E, the premise is that humans had to leave earth because it wasn’t safe anymore so they all live on this humongous ship sponsored by Costco and live a life of luxury made possible by fairly smart robots. The temperature is always 72 degrees and they get to eat and lounge by the pool everyday. The people are so unordinary that the main character is a robot who wonders if there is something more out there. I would like to be one of those unordinary humans that lounges by the pool. And when I drive around I want to be able to do the same. Which I why I am so bitter about cars.
They are certainly trying to get technological enough. They are just failing. Some of the new innovations include being able to tap the bumper of the car with you foot and it will open. Or a fantastic new feature of being able to parallel park your car for you. Where was this feature when I was a kid failing over and over at that clearly unnecessary skill? Cars weren’t good enough then and they aren’t now. Why can’t they just do simple tasks that humans can do?
Oooh cars can parallel park now. What’s next automatic locks?
Is it such a hard thing that we ask you to not lock us out? I recently did a post in which I not only locked myself out of the car, but also left the car running. It caused me to be very bitter at my car, because he didn’t warn me that he was running and also that he was locking me out. Then, when I finally got it broken into by my co-workers, the lock was too lazy to work again. So now I have to be the ambitious one to unlock my manual lock from the passenger side and reach all the way to the other side. Lazy man’s nightmare. So, not only am I bitter about all the work I have to do for getting into the car, but I’m bitter that it didn’t say sorry for locking me out. That needs to be a new feature that is included in new cars. Acting lessons.
Laziness car style, sir. They come with interior heated leather couching.
Also would it be too much to ask for a luxury couch? I have to get up in the early hour of 5:30 am to get to work. My car isn’t the most luxurious, but sitting upright to drive is quite a lot to ask of someone. Also, asked of me: pushing a gas pedal, steering and occasionally braking. I need my car to do that. If people that ride the bus or a train don’t have to exert effort to get to work why should I? And it would also incentivise me to get to work on time or do honey do’s. “Oh you want me to go get some milk? Sure honey. I guess I can go lay on my car couch and watch some TV.” My only first world problem now is getting up from my couch to go get the milk.
Cars require all these things like maintenance and oil changes and filters and gaskets and pumps and stuff that makes my head spin. As a non mechanical person who can barely change a tire and fill up the gas tanks with these magical gas dispensers, cars cost money. I mean didn’t I just pay $10,000 for this thing? Now you want me to pay more money to run and repair it? Clearly the enthusiastic guy that sold it to me forgot to tell me that the price wasn’t all inclusive. He gave me some rebate and assumed that woud take care of it. I want car prices to include everything. And don’t tell me that it is expensive to include that stuff. The government just bailed you out with a bunch of tax money, car companies. It’s the least you could do with the $515 worth of tax money I contribute to this country every year.
As the movie Cars makes us believe, cars have emotion and guilt. I think it is about time that they start showing some of that and doing their jobs in making my life more Wall-E world like. If they don’t soon, then I will be bitter and you know how effective my bitterness has been on getting things to change!
Would it be too much to show a little car guilt?
Get on the job, cars. Or I will start thinking about riding to work on a bike! Okay fine, I will never do that. But I will do something mean to you like scratch your paint or slash your tires! That will teach you!
Carrrrrgghhhh!
Bitter Ben
All images courtesy of Google
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How bitter and funny! Thank you for allowing me to make this bitter comment!
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You may always reply to something that I write bitterly. It is my goal to make you bitter.
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I don’t think I could be bitter but interesting blog. http://www.segmation.wordpress.com
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You could be bitter if you really tried. Don’t give up. You can acheive your dreams of bitterness.
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Being bitter for me is not the way to go. But thanks for sharing.
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Some people just can’t be conviced. Oh well, enjoy your happiness.
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Hey Bitter Ben, thanks for reading my stuff. Don’t you have anything better to do?! 😉
By the way, there is nothing wrong with riding a bike to work. Especially if your car is leaking some kind of sticky fluid…
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There is something wrong with riding a bike to work. It would be very exhausted and not able to do work. Plus I would need to wake up at 3 am to get there on time. I am lazy and that would go against everything that I believe in!
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I literally just wrote about the frustrations of dealing with my car. It’s old and annoying. The problem is that I live in Los Angeles, and can’t function without my car. This is what I call a lose/lose situation. It’s awful!
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The cars need to stop making us so bitter! Perhaps they don’t know how much we pay for them to work right!
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Maybe that’s it. I should give my car a stern talking to and set it straight!
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Cars needs to stop starring movies and get better at listening to what we say.
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There it is! They think they’re too cool for school. Dear car, I run this town!
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“Lazy man’s nightmare.” HAHA – you made me laugh out loud!
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Thanks. There are a lot of enemies to laziness. I am on a mission to find all of them.
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I have to do the same thing with the driver’s side door lock. Except sometimes it has the audacity to work, which lulls me into the false sense of security that I have a functional vehicle. What a dick.
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All I ask from a car that I pay 10,000 plus for is that it do everything for me. No questions asked.
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you sir are a bitter king!
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Thanks for the bitter complement.
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as far as i can tell, nobody does bitter better. i am feeling pret-ty bitter about being late to the discovery of this bitter blog, and having to catch up. it would be nice if my car could do something useful, like read through your archives and tell me what i’ve missed, rather than sit out there feeling sorry for itself and thinking up ways to cost me more $. my car doesn’t won’t even change it’s own gears. Pfft! Grow up!
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I am also very bitter that you have missed out on this blog for so long. Finally my blog doesn’t have to suffer from the lack of you.
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bittersweet!
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My car horn had the audacity to break. I mean really. One of the few pure joys of driving a car is honking at the morons driving poorly around you!
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That is bitterly annoying. I agree that car should stop breaking and taking away the only things that we like about them. For instance the only thing I liked about my car was the fact that I could unlock it with a key on the driver’s side and my car went and ruined even that. My suggestion is to slash its tires.
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Pretty funny! Thanks for coming by my blog! 🙂
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And bitter too, right? That was kind of what I was going for. Don’t go marrying any narcissists. We can be kind high maintenance.
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You know what I want? A luxury laundry pile. I’m so tired of digging through all my dirty laundry every day to find something to wear. Can’t it just KNOW what I want to wear, and at least move it toward the top? Jeez.
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After I do it for my car, I will work on the luxury heated seat laundry pile. You are absolutely correct that we shouldn’t have to deal with a pile of clothes while not hanging out in absolute luxury.
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YES cars are gluttons! They want always something – oil, petrol, water, service all 100 miles….Mine currently wants desperately a cleanig, but I simply ignore it!
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I choose to ignore my car because it is mean to me.
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Worst Drama:
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I wasn’t sure where to put it.
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I’ll work on it this weekend.
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do you mean you will work,on getting me a ticket, or maybe you are talking to someone else…it’s 1;30 ,do you know where your ipod is?or 11; 30 for your ipod….my light isn’t even lighting up now. i just came here to see what words i typed wrong, and you already answered… he’s playing april fools games…
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I think this was meant for someone else. Sorry. Plus an early April Fools joke.
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LOL.
sorry.
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will you read my flying squirrel haiku someday…it must be invisible , no one can see it.
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Which one?
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the last one…it’s alright , i’m just joking,or am i?i don’t know.
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I will work on it this weekend.
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I also found myself longing for a life on Lazy Human Space Cruises…perhaps some day..
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I think I will go on one of these Space Cruises, as long as they have lights. If they had no lights I would be kind of bitter.
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I would be full of angst, myself.
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Lights are always so undependable.
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Maybe in the future lights will always stay on. I doubt it, though.
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Maybe in the future cars will fly too.
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That would be sweet ass. Like the Jetson’s.
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I’m not mechanically minded, but back in the day when cars were a whole lot simpler than they are now, I used to be able to lift the bonnet and do a few minor adjustments/repairs when necessary to keep the bloody thing on the road. Now everything’s high tech electronics and computerised and I haven’t a clue!
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I barely know how to lift up the hood on my car let alone work on it. I would actually prefer for the computers to work on my car, so I don’t have to. Plus I wouldn’t pay the computer.
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I agree! And if my car can’t take care of me it should at the very least take care of itself! I don’t have time to be rotating tires and changing oil and checking fluids! Cars should come with their own butler. Seriously.
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And it shouldn’t cost a penny more.
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Hahaaa!! “Interior heated leather couching”… that is awesome! Wait a minute. I don’t have heated leather couching at home. I think I’m starting to feel….bitter? 😀
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You don’t have interior heated leather couching yet? Where have you been McFly? I can understand why you are so bitter!
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I love this post! It has a nice flow to it and I think it’s something that most of us are bitter about, we just never really talk about it lol. I hate cars, but at the same time, I will never ride a bike to work 😛 I like the humor too! Good post 🙂
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Cars are a menace that we just choose to avoid. We’ve all seen what happened in Carrie, yet we still don’t understand that cars have any guilt or remorse for all the things they make us go through.
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You don’t really want that. The Pixar universe is secretly horrible: http://www.cracked.com/video_18459_why-pixar-movies-are-all-secretly-about-apocalypse.html
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I agree. Pixar loves to make sugary sweet movies about the apocolypse. I take notes on the movies so I can prepare.
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Ben, as much as I liked this post, it made me bitter. I was expecting some post about Julius Caesar’s bitterness for the Ides of March. He’s like a poster child for bitterness.
Ugh.
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That’s what I do with my blog. I go the unexpected route. I thought about it, but I tend to go away from the norm, so that it makes people bitter. Thus, the reason why I didn’t do a Superbowl one, back the day after the Superbowl. See how unpredictable I am?
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You’re a fine example of bitter spontaneity.
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No one can hold back my bitter spontenaety. But you are the master of Balderdashery.
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This is true!
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you do go the unexpected route. you made me want to be in Wall-E 2….72 degrees all the time.i’m signing up.that’s heaven. at 72 , you don’t even need a heated couch.
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I will not be in Wall-e 2 because they returned to earth and planted stuff, which means they did work and that is not okay with me.
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lol…no that’s not okay, but i will make an exception for 72 degrees.
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Thank goodness you are okay with 72 degrees.
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lol. i live for 72 degree days.
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