Car Bitterness

I have a dream that one day this will happen...for me.

I have a dream that one day this will happen…for me.

I have a dream that one day my life will be similar to human life on the spaceship from the movie Wall-E.  Not for mankind in general but just for me.  If you haven’t seen the Wall-E, the premise is that humans had to leave earth because it wasn’t safe anymore so they all live on this humongous ship sponsored by Costco and live a life of luxury made possible by fairly smart robots.  The temperature is always 72 degrees and they get to eat and lounge by the pool everyday.  The people are so unordinary that the main character is a robot who wonders if there is something more out there.  I would like to be one of those unordinary humans that lounges by the pool.  And when I drive around I want to be able to do the same.  Which I why I am so bitter about cars.

They are certainly trying to get technological enough.  They are just failing. Some of the new innovations include being able to tap the bumper of the car with you foot and it will open.  Or a fantastic new feature of being able to parallel park your car for you.  Where was this feature when I was a kid failing over and over at that clearly unnecessary skill?  Cars weren’t good enough then and they aren’t now.  Why can’t they just do simple tasks that humans can do?

Oooh cars can parallel park now.  What's next automatic locks?

Oooh cars can parallel park now. What’s next automatic locks?

Is it such a hard thing that we ask you to not lock us out?  I recently did a post in which I not only locked myself out of the car, but also left the car running.  It caused me to be very bitter at my car, because he didn’t warn me that he was running and also that he was locking me out.  Then, when I finally got it broken into by my co-workers, the lock was too lazy to work again.  So now I have to be the ambitious one to unlock my manual lock from the passenger side and reach all the way to the other side. Lazy man’s nightmare.  So, not only am I bitter about all the work I have to do for getting into the car, but I’m bitter that it didn’t say sorry for locking me out.  That needs to be a new feature that is included in new cars.  Acting lessons.

Laziness car style, sir.  They come with interior heated leather couching.

Laziness car style, sir. They come with interior heated leather couching.

Also would it be too much to ask for a luxury couch?  I have to get up in the early hour of 5:30 am to get to work.  My car isn’t the most luxurious, but sitting upright to drive is quite a lot to ask of someone.  Also, asked of me: pushing a gas pedal, steering and occasionally braking.  I need my car to do that.  If people that ride the bus or a train don’t have to exert effort to get to work why should I? And it would also incentivise me to get to work on time or do honey do’s.  “Oh you want me to go get some milk? Sure honey.  I guess I can go lay on my car couch and watch some TV.”  My only first world problem now is getting up from my couch to go get the milk.

Cars require all these things like maintenance and oil changes and filters and gaskets and pumps and stuff that makes my head spin.  As a non mechanical person who can barely change a tire and fill up the gas tanks with these magical gas dispensers, cars cost money.  I mean didn’t I just pay $10,000 for this thing?  Now you want me to pay more money to run and repair it?  Clearly the enthusiastic guy that sold it to me forgot to tell me that the price wasn’t all inclusive.  He gave me some rebate and assumed that woud take care of it.  I want car prices to include everything.  And don’t tell me that it is expensive to include that stuff.  The government just bailed you out with a bunch of tax money, car companies.  It’s the least you could do with the $515 worth of tax money I contribute to this country every year.

As the movie Cars makes us believe, cars have emotion and guilt.  I think it is about time that they start showing some of that and doing their jobs in making my life more Wall-E world like.  If they don’t soon, then I will be bitter and you know how effective my bitterness has been on getting things to change!

Would it be too much to show a little car guilt?

Would it be too much to show a little car guilt?

Get on the job, cars.  Or I will start thinking about riding to work on a bike!  Okay fine, I will never do that.  But I will do something mean to you like scratch your paint or slash your tires!  That will teach you!

Carrrrrgghhhh!

Bitter Ben

All images courtesy of Google

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67 thoughts on “Car Bitterness

  1. Pingback: Bitter Yardwork | Ben's Bitter Blog

  2. Hey Bitter Ben, thanks for reading my stuff. Don’t you have anything better to do?! 😉
    By the way, there is nothing wrong with riding a bike to work. Especially if your car is leaking some kind of sticky fluid…

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    • There is something wrong with riding a bike to work. It would be very exhausted and not able to do work. Plus I would need to wake up at 3 am to get there on time. I am lazy and that would go against everything that I believe in!

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  3. I literally just wrote about the frustrations of dealing with my car. It’s old and annoying. The problem is that I live in Los Angeles, and can’t function without my car. This is what I call a lose/lose situation. It’s awful!

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  4. I have to do the same thing with the driver’s side door lock. Except sometimes it has the audacity to work, which lulls me into the false sense of security that I have a functional vehicle. What a dick.

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  5. as far as i can tell, nobody does bitter better. i am feeling pret-ty bitter about being late to the discovery of this bitter blog, and having to catch up. it would be nice if my car could do something useful, like read through your archives and tell me what i’ve missed, rather than sit out there feeling sorry for itself and thinking up ways to cost me more $. my car doesn’t won’t even change it’s own gears. Pfft! Grow up!

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    • That is bitterly annoying. I agree that car should stop breaking and taking away the only things that we like about them. For instance the only thing I liked about my car was the fact that I could unlock it with a key on the driver’s side and my car went and ruined even that. My suggestion is to slash its tires.

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    • After I do it for my car, I will work on the luxury heated seat laundry pile. You are absolutely correct that we shouldn’t have to deal with a pile of clothes while not hanging out in absolute luxury.

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  6. YES cars are gluttons! They want always something – oil, petrol, water, service all 100 miles….Mine currently wants desperately a cleanig, but I simply ignore it!

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  7. Worst Drama:
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    I wasn’t sure where to put it.

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  8. I’m not mechanically minded, but back in the day when cars were a whole lot simpler than they are now, I used to be able to lift the bonnet and do a few minor adjustments/repairs when necessary to keep the bloody thing on the road. Now everything’s high tech electronics and computerised and I haven’t a clue!

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  9. I agree! And if my car can’t take care of me it should at the very least take care of itself! I don’t have time to be rotating tires and changing oil and checking fluids! Cars should come with their own butler. Seriously.

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  10. I love this post! It has a nice flow to it and I think it’s something that most of us are bitter about, we just never really talk about it lol. I hate cars, but at the same time, I will never ride a bike to work 😛 I like the humor too! Good post 🙂

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    • Cars are a menace that we just choose to avoid. We’ve all seen what happened in Carrie, yet we still don’t understand that cars have any guilt or remorse for all the things they make us go through.

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  11. Ben, as much as I liked this post, it made me bitter. I was expecting some post about Julius Caesar’s bitterness for the Ides of March. He’s like a poster child for bitterness.

    Ugh.

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