Black is the New Black BFG’s

“I regret to inform you that you have not been invited to Paris Fashion Week,” is a letter I have never received.

I assume they send letters to people that are disinvited to Paris Fashion Week. I guess it could be an email. Or it could be like all the jobs I applied for that never sent me anything. It could be like when only if you are given an interview they actually send you a letter. Or call. Maybe Paris Fashion Week is so fancy, that they send a messenger and a gold embossed letter to your house. Or maybe they only go after people famous enough that they have to beg them to come? All I know is that I will NEVER be invited to Paris Fashion Week, the Met Gala, London Fashion Week, or even Milan Fashion Week. I haven’t been invited to the Oscars, Emmy’s, Grammy’s or Tony’s yet. I expect to be invited to the Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards, because they are looking for someone to humiliate by sliming them, but even they have been turning their noses down on me for my lack of aura. Or maybe because I’m not Dan Schneider’s type.

There have been talks of me getting invited to the Golden Raspberry Awards (the Razzies, famous for giving out the worst picture of the year), but my movies are still not up to the level of even the worst Hollywood film’s throw away edits.

I won’t be invited to The WordPress Awards because they are still trying to pass my blog off as a Tumblr blog, who is claiming its a Wix blog, who is claiming it’s a SquareSpace blog, who claims its a MySpace blog, who claims it’s a Google+ blog, who then threw it back to WordPress. They are trying to appeal to Congress to get it permanently deleted from the Internet.

The reason they’ve given me for the non-invites to any awards show/fashion shows are because of my diamagnetic personality. Other reasons include but are not limited to: I’m not famous, I’m not attractive, I’m old, I can’t act, I’m not funny, I’m not fun at parties, I don’t have good manners, I’m antisocial, I’m sweaty, and I’m uncomfortable in front of cameras. The most common reason is my fashion style, or in their words “lack of fashion”. Which is really disappointing, considering that I’m only one level below Adam Sandler, the most comfortably dressed man in Hollywood. I just found out that Hoodie Chic isn’t considered a style. I was also unaware that picking “the next thing in my pile of clothes” isn’t a style. I was told that from time to time, I should match the colors? Some of my in-house stylists (wife and daughter) tell me that wearing a black shirt and blue shorts is a faux pas. They also say that wearing socks and sandals is also unacceptable, which is bad since I’m doing that right now.

My stylists also suggest that the more I age, the more I should avoid wearing flashy colors such as lime green, burnt orange, teal green, and baby blue. I don’t know if that is a dig at the Baby Blue color I chose for the Fiat 500e we got 6 years ago, intending to turn it over to one of our kids, that they somehow don’t want to drive now. Maybe.

Before I had a stylist (IE got married), my shirt drawer looked like a rainbow of fruit flavors. Colors, like green, blue, purple, red caused a headache from all the brightness when I opened the drawer. When my clothing choices got highjacked by my wife, the headaches started going away, because the colors started shifting from color to lack of color. I didn’t notice it right away, because as soon as I became a husband, I started not being able to find the ketchup in the fridge. In other words, I was really bad at noticing things. Because of this husband trait, I didn’t notice that my shirt drawer transformed from rainbow of fruit flavors to a goth girls dream drawer (minus the spiky collars).

I’ll never know if my wife did this intentionally and quickly, or it is was part of a 25-year plan to transform my style from headache inducing color rainbow to the absence of color, because again the husband trait of not noticing. It was probably really aeasy for her, because she knows that I will wear any shirt that fits. She once got me a hockey jersey from a team called the Utah Blaze, a minor league hockey team that doesn’t even exist, and I wore it because it fit. I will wear rival shirts of the Spurs, like the New York Knicks, Golden State Warriors, and even Los Angeles Lakers if the shirt fits. I even currently wear a Kawaii Leonard Spurs shirt, even though that traitor left the Spurs in Benedict Arnold fashion, and I will never forgive him for doing so. But my wife found a shirt of his, and…well, it fits. As UPS’s motto once went, “It if fits, it ships.” In my case, if it fits, it’s my fit.

Now I guess for me, Black is the new Black.

As a PSA to all young ladies, or older ladies, who are considering a young or older man for husband material, if you like everything about his EXCEPT his fashion, cuff that guy. His fashion can be changed. With a little patience, you can transform his closet from a bummy mess, to whatever you want it to be, because he has a blind spot. Literally. He doesn’t notice things. Depending on how subtle you want to be, you can transform his closet from a Megatron-like closet to an Optimus Prime closet in anytime from 1-20 years.

Black might be the new black, but bitter will never change. As such, your Bitter Friday Giftures will tell you the story of how a closet can be transformed like Optimus Prime…

“We regret to inform you…