Waste of Space BFG’s

It is April 18th, only a few days before Easter, so it’s spring! Are you so excited? The trees are in bloom, the birds are singing, the frogs are in love, and the sun, oh the sun. It’s brighter than ever! WRONG! April Fools month! The trees are just as horrible as ever. They are still the menace to society they’ve always been, littering leaves and branches everywhere, and breaking powerlines wherever they go. Birds are still natures fingernails on a chalkboard, who only need one more level before they evolve into roosters. The frogs are still a bunch of petty, entitled former arrogant prince Harry’s looking for Megan Markle’s to kiss them, but who are too busy making horrible Netflix specials. Of course, these entitled former princes couldn’t possibly eat our neighborhood mosquitos. They only like Wagyu or filet mignon if Wagyu isn’t in season.

And springtime? That’s a good one. If spring is 33 degrees, heavy winds, and snowstorms then, yeah, I guess spring has sprung. I can’t wait for the middle of summer when we start getting blizzards. The weather seems to have taken a vacation Down Under, using the weather Down There as inspiration.

Earlier this week it was 85 degrees and I had to use my air conditioning, because it was so hot out. This morning, I had to use the heater, because my nose was froze. At work, I’ll probably have to use a space heater, which seems hideously overnamed. If it was a space heater, it would heat space, not earth. Space heaters clearly aren’t doing the job, because Space is cold. So cold we can’t even go out in it without using a parka space suit.

Speaking of space, when my wife gets mad at me, she’s always saying she needs space. Yet she just heads to the other room. If she really wanted space she would head down to Houston or Florida, hitch a ride on a Space Shuttle and fly there. Maybe should just say she needs some earth.

Speaking of earthlings, Taylor Swift has a song called Blank Space Baby, which after much research on the internet, some claim is a satirical take on persona of a “crazy ex-girlfriend”. I’m not sure what Taylor Swift would know about crazy ex-girlfriends, because doesn’t have any experience dating. She sings about a partner that will fill the “blank space” of their love story. Apparently I need to school the internet about the real meaning of the song. She’s simply talking about how space is huge, and other than a few billions stars and planets, it’s pretty blank. If not sure how everyone came to that other conclusion. Maybe it’s time to watch Gravity or Interstellar.

Speaking of space dramas, the other day, I was driving to my son’s lacrosse game, and my wife texted me. She told me that she save me a space. I was like, how is she going to save space? Is she going to get go find the local GenZ Falcon and take out the Galactic Empire with her Jedi Mastery of the Force? I was thinking, “Is that really the best use of her time right now?” I texted back and said, “Perhaps you could just save me a spot?” She agreed, and I was relieved, because I was worried that she wouldn’t be able to make it back until after halftime. Saving space takes at least 30 minutes when factoring in the Space/Time difference.

Speaking of differences, I remember when I was at a basketball practice when I was younger. My coach told me that I needed to create some space for my teammate to get open for a shot. I looked at my coach with bewilderment on my face, but said, “Okay, I guess.” I left immediately and asked my parents if I could go to DC. They shrugged and said, “Okay, I guess.” I asked President Reagan if he would allow me to use a space shuttle. He said, “Okay, I guess.” It took me a little while, but when I was out there, I spread apart some stars and moons, and finally created some space. When I got back 4 years later, my coach wasn’t there any more. I’m glad he wasn’t there, because he would’ve made me run a bunch of laps if I didn’t create the correct space. Good thing he didn’t ask me take a shot, or I would’ve had to go to the gun range and that would been another long trip.

Speaking of lazy Saturdays, I also remember an even longer time ago, on a lazy summer Saturday, sitting on the couch. My dad spotted me just sitting around, he said, “You are being such waste of space. Why don’t you go do something?” I followed his advice and walked down to the 7-11, and found a way to waste money as well as waste space by playing the Space Invaders. I also wasted a bunch of aliens.

Speaking of aliens, did you see what some of them did this week? A few female ones disguised as minor celebrities, tried to go back to their planet after many years. Extra Terrestrials Katy Perry, Gail King, Laura Sanchez, and 3 other randomly named aliens finally attempted to go back home. After so many years living on earth, they got scared and quickly came back to earth only 3 minutes after they left. We’re still working with them on their courage, but we remain hopeful that they get to leave permanently soon. Especially the Katy Perry who sang longingly about her home planet in a song called E.T. and got many plastic surgeries to disguise who she really was.

Speaking of deception, my wife asked me to go to the doctor, so I did. I was in the waiting room, which was a couch. I laid down on it and the nurse came out, and rolled it into the doctor’s office. My doctor started asking me questions.”Tell me about your childhood.” I was confused why he was asking, but said, “It was fine. Except my father always made me feel inferior.” Then, he asked, “What do you think that means?” and I said, “I don’t know…are you asking me because of the Ibuprofen?” and he’s like, “Why do you think you get headaches? Who is causing them?” and I was like, “People who ask me a lot of questions,” and he was like, “You need to get in a better head space.” All I wanted was some Ibuprofen. Now he’s asking me to head to space?

I’m starting to think that earth is way too crowded and the only place where I can get any peace from all you people is staying in space.

While I plan my move to space, how about you enjoy some Bitter Friday Giftures…in space…

The spring weather has been so nice…