For some reason, there are people in this world that like to garden. Some say it’s because they like to get fresh vegetables from their garden. Others say it’s because they like digging in dirt. Still others say they it’s their therapy, or their way of relaxing. I have counterpoints to each of those terrible reasons. Video games are much better therapy, and a much better way to relax, especially when you lose and have to pound your fists on the table. Having fresh vegetables would be great if anyone actually liked vegetables. Do you like digging in dirt? Go get a job as a excavator machine digger. At least you would get paid to dig dirt.

The only time I’ve ever had a green thumb was when I was in kindergarten and my teacher gave me a green marker. The reason why I’m not a gardener is because I find plants very high maintenance. I’ve never met a plant that hasn’t required at least 15 minutes of work a week. First, they want water like at least once a month. Some of them require constant sun, which is weird, because do they even know that the sun only comes out like once a day, and never at night? Geez, plants are so dumb.

It’s not like I don’t have a requirement for Vitamin D too, but you don’t see me sitting on window sills all day, just so I can grow. I don’t need someone to feed me water, or plant food, or pour water over my head. You never have to put in a pot and cover me with dirt just so I can grow. I also think it’s pretty rude that they take all the best spots for sun. Like do they think that I might possibly want the window sill every once in a while? I don’t, but it would be nice if I ever wanted to, to give up their prime real estate if I wanted it.

Have you ever seen that Amazon commercial where a girl moves to a new town and lives in a lonely apartment? She watching a show on Amazon Prime (huge coincidence) where the show has plants and all of a sudden she get’s this big idea that if she buys a bunch of plants, that will replace the lonely hole in her heart, and replace her need for friends.

Obviously, this is flawed thinking, because as you know, you don’t need friends OR plants. The thing she needed to replace the lonely hole in her heart was staring right in front of her. It was the Amazon Prime and the video games she could play on the TV right in front of her.

Speaking of the TV industry, I recently started hearing about this thing that happens in the industry called industry plants. (Pretty awesome writing when you can use industry three times in one sentence.) Just like real life plants, industry plants are terrible. I had heard about industry plants in passing, but recently the word has been popping up more and more. When that happens, I always look up the word on a reliable site like Wikipedia, and then write a blog post about it.

So, what is an industry plant? It’s people that “control the industry” plucking someone out of obscurity and making them a star, even though they have no talent.

In other words, they aren’t organically talented and don’t really work to get their spot on the Top 100 lists. In the entertainment industry, plants often come from two famous parents that plant their offspring in the industry. You’ve heard a new term pop up in the last few years, Nepo baby, to describe how some kids get to cut their way to the front of the line. The kids get to the front of the line, because of course, their parents know producers, and other industry people. You know a few of them, like Dakota Johnson, Lilly Collins, Steph Curry, and North West Kardashian. Some of them flop so hard that we are spared of ever hearing their names again, and we toss them in the garbage like I do with the plants everyone gives me.

A few of them are good enough that we shine a bunch of sunshine on them and let them thrive. But then there are mediocre ones that do just enough to get a little sunlight, and they keep just alive enough that some people won’t just throw them away. You know, like the cactuses that people give us. They are prickly, and require very little water, but just keep hanging out in the house, because even a little spotlight and a little water will keep them around forever.

Industry plants don’t infect just the entertainment industry though. They hang out in all “industries”. My wife has worked for two insurance agencies and both of them had incompetent son’s of the owners who were industry plants. They were kept around because they fathers would get old someday, and they needed to keep the agency in the family. So they got to skip the bottom and went straight to the middle, and then would get straight to the top when the father plant got too old. Even I’ve worked for companies that were littered with little plants scattered all over the company. over the company.

You’ve probably wondered how in the world I got so famous in the Bitter Blogging industry. Given a few context clues, I bet you figured out that I’m an industry plant. It’s because my 43rd cousin once removed, is Matthew Charles Mullenweg is the owner of WordPress. If I had any real talent, I would’ve been famous on Wix or Blogger.

As you can see, plants of all kinds are terrible. Whether you’ve had to deal with horrible smelling, rotting plants take up space on your window sills, with horribly untalented industry plants in your entertainment, and jobs, or horrible blog posts for the last 13 years, plants make me very bitter.

While you are busy trying to root out all your horrible plants and putting them in the trash, I’ll put up some Bitter Friday Giftures…

I’ve never had a green thumb…

Some people like gardening…

Others like gardening…

Because it is so…

What they don’t realize is…

And if they want to dig in the dirt…

Plants are so needy…

And they like to hog…

Industry plants are almost as terrible…

Other plants like…

And whoever this…

The best example of an industry plant is…

ARRRGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Industry Plant Ben