“R is the most menacing sound. That’s why they call it murder, not muckduck.” – Dwight K. Shrute, poet laureate.

It is absolutely shocking to me that the sixth commandment, “Thou shalt not kill,” which I look at as the most obvious sin against humanity, is so fascinating to humans.

If you think about it, the human body is so laughably delicate that something as tiny as a bullet, a knife, or even a little bit of poison is able to end this complicated network of nerves, blood vessels, bones, and muscles. The body somehow miraculously works so well together that somehow a man named Methuselah could live until he was 969 years old, almost an entire Millenium. He must have had some sort of diet and exercise regimen, and not had enough enemies to have lived that long.

On the other hand, some kind of tiny cell within can be a tiny fraction off, and a child can be done on the first day of life. The contrast of how strong and how weak a body can be in infinitely fascinating.

Another thing that fascinates me is that I can watch an action movie like Die Hard in which dozens of people are killed within a 2-hour time span, and I don’t even bat an eye. But if a surgeon is performing a surgery in which they are cutting a heart open and I look at it, it makes me sick to my stomach.

I can watch a movie literally called Kill Bill, which has a plot to kill Bill that is so extensive that it requires two movies. I watched in glee as Beatrix Kiddo mowed down a whole dojo worth of deadly assassin’s, but at the same time, I was so disturbed when a mosquito drew some blood from me that I couldn’t stop itching it.

Society as a whole, watches movies, reads a whole genre of books, and we watch and read stories about serial killers, ninjas, and assassins. Real crime podcasts are among the most popular genres out there. Even an innocent show that I used to watch called Smallville about Superman as a teenager, has a body count so high that on the Talkville podcast, they give us the save and death count after every episode. Guys love watching action movies, because they show the contrast between life and death.

Women, on the other hand, statistically love and consume hours and hours of shows about real killers, called True Crime on television and podcasts. There are a lot of theories about why, but my guess is that they are doing the research to find out how to perform one on their husbands if they don’t start putting the toilet seat down. In my house that certainly holds true. I can barely stand watching more than one of those hundreds of shows on Oxygen, True Crime Network, TLC, and others showing them almost all day. But every night, when my wife goes to bed, she likes to watch true crime tv to fall asleep to. Every night when I see her watching it, I make sure to wander the house and put all the toilet seats down that aren’t already.

It’s funny how almost all of the stories for those things start too. “It was a sleepy neighborhood in a sleep little town, in one of the safest areas in the country. Martha was one you would never suspect would do any harm to a fly…and yet…”

We all have reasons for wanting to get rid of people in our lives. We have an annoying neighbor that won’t stop playing their music loudly at night. Or someone still owes us some money. Or someone might talk a little too closely to our face. Or the refs just screwed our favorite teams chances to go to the playoffs.

Thankfully, most of us have really good reasons why we don’t. Some people are just neat freaks and would have a really hard time with mess they made on the floor and don’t want to spend all night cleaning the carpet. Others don’t because they don’t like working out, and carrying a Hefty bag out into the wilderness and then digging a ditch to put it in, seems like a lot of hard work. Then there are the introverts like me, that just don’t like talking to people. It’s our worst nightmare to have to be hauled down to the station to have to be interrogated by the police for 10 hours. I’d rather confess to a murder I didn’t commit, just so the cops would let me go home. Or to jail. Just stop interrogating me.

I think the biggest reason for me not doing a murder is that it would interrupt my routine. My wife makes fun of me for it, but she also knows that if I’m not laying on the couch playing games on my phone, something is seriously wrong. She would know for a fact that I’m either murdered, or I am murdering someone. And that, to her, is really reassuring.

Plus, all these murderers are always having to go to such great lengths to cover up their tracks. I hear murdering isn’t great for your health either. Edgar Allan Poe did a short story called the Tell Tale Heart in which he details the unhealthiness of murdering by talking about how most people that murder have high blood pressure, which leads to early death. Plus, I hear it also leads to anxiety, which means you probably need to go to therapy and talk about your feelings, which again is kind of a negative for introverts.

I mean, hey, if you want to work hard just so you can spend a lot of time sitting in court and jail instead of sitting on your couch, I guess you do what you gotta do. Maybe some ladies will watch your story on the Oxygen network, but you won’t get any royalties from the show, and that is probably the worst punishment I can think of.

Alright, Bitter Friday Gifturerers, here are Bitter Giftures you’ve been waiting for…just don’t kill the vibe…

Famous quote from our poet laureate…

Some people…

But sometimes something as small as a little cell…

It’s fascinating…

People are fascinated…

I can watch Die Hard and see John McClane…

And not bat…

But if I see an open heart surgery…

There’s a lot of reasons to not want to murder…

Or cleaning up…

Although the worst part for an introvert like me…

So I would confess…

Just so I could go into solitary…

ARRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Muckduck Ben