Remember back a few years ago when FOMO was a big deal? It started to be a thing because some people (extroverts) were jealous of other people when they saw posts of awesome vacations and parties on Instagram. Then there was us introverts, and traveler haters thinking to ourselves that we were perfectly happy chilling at home for a vacation and not missing anything. We had no idea what FOMO felts like, because we have no desire to be places. How could we miss out on things and places when we never wanted to do things or be places?

For me, the lockdowns were pretty great. Not so much because we had to stay in, but everyone else had to stay away from us. We had an excuse to stay home that we always wanted.

We’ve never had FOMO, but we’ve definitely had strong feeling for other four letter words, uh, acronyms. The other day, I was scrolling Instagram, and I came upon a related acronym that I wish a knew about a long time ago.

JOMO – Joy of missing out. This is an exhilarating feeling I get every time I get invited to something that I can’t make for whatever reason. That could range from having to work, to “having a commitment”, to my night medications are already kicking in, to the couch is just too comfortable. This could also include online things like Zoom calls, or family text chains. Thanks to my having a Samsung and being the family black sheep that is the only one that doesn’t have an Iphone, my a group chat discussion about my phone screwing up the chat, because I caused a “green bubble” when I texted, or they couldn’t name the family chat. I took that as my opportunity to be discluded from their group texts. But then they just created a group text + me, just so I could be included. I was so happy and proud to be included with 40 texts before lunch every day about how my mom walked a little that day, or she took a shower or was able to go down to get lunch downstairs. As intriguing as this information was, I didn’t need it by means of 40 separate texts. They could have summed this up with an email that went my junk mail once a month. I currently have a “1” next to my text bubble right at the moment that I can’t get rid of, because someone unnecessarily liked one of those utterly unimportant texts. I’ve never been more bitter to see the #1 in my life. If my phone breaks down prematurely because of that one sticking on my texts, I’m going to send a bill to the person that liked that text. If they don’t pay up, I won’t hesitate to take them to court.

FOPI – Fear of Party Invite. This one creeps up on you like Pennywise in a sewer. One day, your wife will casually ask you what you are doing on Friday. Your first instinct always is to say that you will be ordering pizza, and sitting on the couch to play video games. Don’t fall into that trap. She is fishing. She wants you to say that, so she can tell you that you are attending a party. If you are an experienced party avoider, you do whatever you can do avoid a party invite. You must have a strong alternative ready at all times. It has to be something plausible, but can also be cancellable. Maybe you have to work late on a project, or that you will be sick that day. If you can’t find an acceptable excuse, then you are up in for an excruciating night of questionable food and the Pennywise nightmare of small talk with dozens of people you don’t know or care to know. Then you have to spend an awful lot of time coming up with reasons why you need to leave immediately, like your forget to get your kids a babysitter, even though they are 16 and 19 and one of them is at college.

FOGP – Fear of Group Projects – Group projects (or the grown up version Team Projects) are kind of the worst. A nightmare scenario happened in school at least 4 times a year. “Class, we have a group project. We are going to break into groups and assign you alphabetically.” Having to work with people just because their parents and your parents with similar letters in their last names decided to have kids in the same year is the worst. Well, not the absolute worst. How about this one? “Class, we’re going to break into groups of four for this project. Just pick your own group.” OH, MY GOSH. HOLY CRAP. I don’t know or like anyone in this class and vice versa. Now, I’m going to be the one dude in class that has to be assigned by the teacher. They might as well shine the overhead lights on me, so my face can turn redder than tomato paste. “Is everyone in their groups? Oh, look everyone. Bitter Ben couldn’t find a group because he doesn’t have any friends. Does anyone have room for him? Awkward pause. Alright, um, you’re in the popular group. Everyone stare and laugh at him, because he couldn’t find his own group. Also if you could laugh at him, and stare daggers at him for being too much of a dork to find his own group.”

FOLTH – Fear of Leaving the House – This one hits especially hard in the winter. I have to be okay with leaving the house for work, but when I come home, it’s already nighttime. My expectation as soon as I come home is to plop on the couch and rest my weary bones. I want to check out like a library book and just veg for the next 7 hours before I collapse into bed for a long winter’s nap. Sometimes my wife will ask me to go and get some food, or say we need to visit this person or go to a store. On a day like that, I start sighing and praying that I don’t have to leave. When I see my son leaving the house after it’s dark, I’ll be like, why are you leaving so late? You have school in the morning.” He’ll be like, “It’s 7:15 pm. I’ll be back by 8:30 pm.” I’ll laugh and say that’s funny, but then in my mind I’ll be like, “How does he have the energy?”

FOJOMT – Fear of Just One More Thing. This one mostly happens in meetings. In my mind, meetings are the bane of my existence and productivity. This is why some people love them so much. The worst possible thing that can happen in a meeting, is when you get to the end, ready to wrap up, and some suck up pipes up and says, “One more thing,” and it sends you into a vortex of a brand new meeting that I didn’t need to be in, and it takes 45 more minutes. I’ve got TPS reports to do for my 13 different managers. Meetings like that are like an asteroid that hits the earth changes its trajectory toward the sun. Meetings like that end productivity as we know it.

FOTEOTP – Fear of the end of this post. Actually, no one has that fear. Most people fear they will be stuck in the post forever, and I understand that. If you think it took you a long time to read this post, imagine how long it took me to come up with the idea, write it all down, edit it a little and find these really intriguing Giftures. The worst part is that most of you are skipping to the Giftures, so the writing was all just a big waste.

Here is your weekly dose of Bitter Friday Giftures…

Introverts like me…

As much as I love Michael Scott…

Oh no, I missed out being really uncomfortably…

What a bummer…

I can’t wait to talk to people…

Please tell me more…

Everyone…

Meetings are the best…

When I get home from work…

Me to my son when he leaves after dark…

This hardly ever happens…

Please tell me more about the weather…

ARRRGGGHHHHHH

Bitter FOMO Ben

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