I’ve had quite a story arc with my sense of humor. When I was a child, I was fairly serious, and the only thing that was funny about me was my hair. My mom was really bad about taking care of my it, so even when it was a formal occasion, she would somehow forget that my hair needed to be matted down. I always looked like a cartoon character that stuck their fingers in an electrical socket. It was all over the place.

There’s also a picture of me at the age of 3 or 4 walking around in my birthday suit, and a pair of sandals. My mom was clearly aware, but didn’t care, because she took the time to get a camera to take a picture of it. It was the early 70’s so I assume my parents were still hippies, but could she have at least put a diaper on me, so she didn’t have to clean up an accident?

Regardless, I was a painfully shy and bitter kid, so I didn’t have much time for humor back then. I did whatever I could to avoid talking to people, which meant I wasn’t concerned with making other people laugh. It wasn’t like I was sitting in my room looking at a mirror, practicing my stand-up act.

I grew up in an era when there were only 3 channels, so didn’t have a ton of TV shows to teach me how to be funny. I’m especially bitter that we didn’t have The Office or Comedy Central to draw inspiration from. Youtube existed sure, but mostly in the form of America’s Funniest home videos and the video camera I used to film me awkwardly trying to memorize a line when my friend and I did fake basketball skits.

I certainly didn’t inherit a sense of humor from my dad. He tried telling a joke once, but when the joke started turning funny, he got a headache and gut ache, so he didn’t finish the joke. He was worried that his mouth might turn up slightly, and accidentally turn into a smile. He also tried to laugh once, but it came out in more of a loud screech and that was too terrifying for all of us, so he never attempted that again. Remember when the whole RBF (resting bitter face) trend started? That originated from my father. He also has Active Bitter Face, but that didn’t catch on as much as RBF did.

My mom, in addition to being the type of person that would take pictures of a kid with only sandals on and think it was funny, was from the opposite side of humor scale. She was the life of the party, an extravert on steroids. She was the kind of person that would talk to strangers at grocery stores. She planned parties, told funny jokes and had a laugh so distinctive that we laughed at it (except for my dad as you know). Her laugh was the female version almost identical to George McFly’s from Back to the Future. She was so funny, that she made herself laugh.

The only time people laughed at me in high school was when I got braces, or attempted to try out for basketball. I struck out in high school, but my roommate in college taught me this new thing to attract girls.

It was called having a sense of humor and I worked like a charm. All of a sudden, I had all kinds of confidence, because he taught me how to make people laugh. It was simple. Say really mean things, and then when they are ready to kill you, say “just kidding”. My roommate was a genius and quite ahead of his time. I later found out there was an entire industry built around this kind of humor.

They’re called roasts and they’re what comedians do all the time. I learned you could be as mean as you wanted, but when you say, “Boom, roasted,” at the end of the sentence, you’re not only forgiven, but you’re called a comedy genius. I was super excited to go home for Christmas break to show my family how much I had grown. I started roasting them all with my impressive skills, and all they could say was, “Wow, when did you get so mean?” and I was like, “I know. Impressive, right?”

I continued my scorched-earth, leave-everyone-in-a-burnt-pile-of-ashes-before-I-leave sense of humor for most of my 20’s. It left me with few friends, resentful family members and employers and customers that didn’t understand the difference between funny and workplace harassment. Some people just don’t have a sense of humor I guess.

Then I met a girl that understood my humor and she decided to put a ring on it. Finally, someone that understood roasting and dripping sarcasm is the same as razor sharp wit. She was the first one that not only understood it, but heavily ignored it. While everyone else in the world was laughing constantly at my funny jokes, she was busy giving me the side eye and telling me, “Yeah, that was SOO funny.” and would move on doing the thing she was doing, without even pretending to laugh. Talk about true love.

Despite my wife thinking I’m not funny (it’s their job to pretend their husband isn’t funny), my legendary wit continued to be as sharp as an Obsidian scalpel blade, until one day, she came to me and told me she was pregnant with my daughter.

The moment she said that I lost my hair, gained a gut, and I had the sudden urge to buy some white New Balance sneakers. I had an uncontrollable compulsion to go to Home Depot and buy a lawn mower. It was like I was Bruce Banner for 30 years, and all of sudden transformed into the Hulk, except instead of becoming an unstoppable rage monster, I transformed into…a dad.

Not only did my physical form change, but my humor transformed from sharp wit to puns and dad jokes. The first thing out of my mouth to my wife wasn’t, “We’re going to be parents?”, it was “You working hard, or hardly working?” I quickly covered my mouth, as I had no intention of saying such a thing. In fact, I’d never even thought of that expression before. As soon as I found out I was a dad, I immediately started telling dad jokes.

It’s as inevitable as Thanos taking over the universe. What was once razor-sharp wit, immediately turns into dull, cringe-inducing humor that only other dads find funny. My wife was a visionary and started cringing well before I turned into a dad. It’s almost like she knew that our daughter was coming well before I knew it and was just preparing for my humor to drop off the mesa.

My daughter recognized it early too. In her first ultrasound, she heard me say, “You better clean your womb, little lady,” and she gave me the earliest sign of a side eye in human history (or should I say herstory). I immediately saw the future and knew I was in trouble with her from 11-18. Her side eye game has always been strong.

I regret not keeping journals of all the funny things I said when I was younger and funnier, because I’ll never have a history of all the actual funny jokes and witticisms I told before becoming a dad and now it’s lost to history.

This is a warning to comedians and funny, cool, sarcastic guys that are holding tight to their senses of humor. If you want to hold onto it, avoid dadhood at all costs. The moment you become a dad it’s too late. You’re DadHulk and there is nothing you can do about it.

Just be glad you aren’t a woman, and your child has a kid, because then you might be called Gamma Ray. See…it can’t be stopped. Before I destroy your life with bad dad jokes, let’s get to the Bitter Friday Giftures…

This is Noah’s…

My mom did an okay job helping me grow up…

My dad was good at a lot of things…

My mom allowed me to wear my birthday suit…

In high school, I thought girls cared about charm…

Little did I know…

In college, I figured out sense of humor…

And I was like…

When I came home from college my family was like…

Little did I know I was visionary…

My wife saw right through the bitter angriness…

Because she was also a visionary…

Because she knew…

And my sharp sense of humor would be changed…

ARRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Dad Jokes Ben