I used to watch movies in person all the time, because I love paying for disappointment in person. Alright that isn’t the real reason. The real reason is that I used to be a hopelessly single guy that had no social life or prospects, so I would go to them to drown out the loneliness. But let’s not focus on that reason, because look over there, it’s a really funny Tik Tok you should check out.
Let’s focus on all the many times I went to a movie in person and paid a lot of money to get disappointed. Here’s how the pattern of disappointment happens. First, a trailer comes out. The trailer uses fancy music and every slick special effect they can squeeze out of the FX people to use on the trailer. The trailer then takes the opportunity to spoil almost every plot twist, funny line, or romantic kiss that would have delighted and surprised everyone when the actually watched the movie, because the studios figured if the hype trailer doesn’t get people to the theater in the first weekend, their movie is sunk (not realizing if you put a good movie out then people will watch it and keep coming to see it). But they couldn’t possibly not include every exciting moment in the 2-minute trailer.
Next, the fanboys and girls immediately run to YouTube to react and dissect the trailer, second by second to spoil any remaining mysteries that regular people couldn’t figure out. They analyze every single frame, word and background of the trailer in order to construct the movie that their head created and write their own script and put it up on Reddit.
If the TellaYouTubies didn’t squash the living hope out of a movie possibly being good, then they would tag team their wrestling partner the internet trolls living under a bridge called movie critics. Movie critics wear special glasses that allow them look at movies in the exact opposite way as a movie goer would. If a normal human would enjoy the movie, then a critic will hate it. Case in point, name one comedy ever that a critic has liked. Name one big, huge hit that critics and audiences agreed on. Name one Oscar winning movie that made more than $100 at the box office. Critics hate good movies and love really bad ones. Critics were abandoned and ignored as children, and were never good at actually creating anything, so their revenge came in the form of destroying other people’s creations.
The last car in the disappointment train is the hype train. If the movie hasn’t been destroyed by trailers, YouTubers, and critics, then the hype train will squeeze the life out of your soul. Unfortunately, your inability to handle peer pressure will die and you will be swept up in the flooded Missouri river of hype and see it anyways. The movie actually might be good. But you won’t enjoy it, because every voice that has already spoiled everything for you, will enter your mind like the Matrix and destroy any ability to like a movie.
As you know, I am the creator of a full-blown fantasy universe inside my head called Ben’s Bitter Blog. Twice a week, you enter a world where I think that I can live in an underground fortress that will barricade me from every having to speak to people. Or a couch that I can retreat into. Or a place where I can own land and live in a castle in Scotland and become a Lord. And just like the fantasy world of movies that has its critics and detractors, I also have my own critics, the people of WordPress and other bloggers. And you would not believe how badly they treat me and abuse my work. It is brutal out there, but somehow, I ignore the critics and find a way to continue putting out the worst content on the entire web.
Here is but a tiny taste of the absolute trolling I get every time I post. I’ll include links to their blogs, so you can show your support of their criticisms. These are just a few of the scathing reviews of my fantasy writing: (My responses to the criticisms in bold.)
https://namelyherblog.com/2022/10/01/lackluster/
It’s probably me, but the whole gamut of blogs and social media (Twitter mostly) seems boring af. The only exceptions are Ben’s Bitter Blog and The Bloggess.
I mean, can you believe how she would compare me to this Bloggess? Who is the Bloggess? Some sort of mediocre hack that has not built an empire through books and media appearances? And what is an af?
Damyanti Biswas
This is hilarious! Enjoyed reading this blog 😀
Enjoy? What does she mean enjoy?
artsandletters9
·examplewordpresscom62751.wordpress.com
Loved it. Do you ever do stand-up comedy? Or, do you stand down and avoid it for fear of heckling, or, someone inviting you to the Cheesecake Factory?
Stand-up comedy? Does he not know how much I enjoy sitting on a couch?
mitchteemley
Reblogged this on Mitch Teemley and commented:
My Featured Blogger this week is Ben of Ben’s Bitter Blog. A man whose motto is “we make bitter better,” Ben has selflessly dedicated his life to complaining about anything and everything, with particular attention to being irrational and self-mocking. Oh, yeah, and very funny. Read on and see just how nobly Ben rants about…whatever has just popped into his head.
This Mitch, if that is his real name, had the audacity to reblog one of my posts. Probably just to humiliate me in front of more people.
beth
ididnthavemyglasseson.wordpress.com
)))
Beth, thanks for those three sidewards smiley faces. I guess 4 sideward smiley faces were too hard to type.
http://revolutionnovelcom.wordpress.com/
Nobody is looking at you BFG’s
One of your best, Ben! (which is saying something)
Absolutely hilarious and totally in-bitter-character, but also nails an actual real truth about life and provides solid advice, all joking aside.
Well done and thanks. 🙂
Also I’m pretty sure you and I were the same person during childhood and somehow got split into two different people later on.
— a former friendless teen Accutane user who is now about to turn 50
This critic thought I accidentally nailed a truth. Wrong, I had no idea what I was talking about. I made it all up.
Patti Moore Wilson, wednesdayschild2
wednesdayschildca.wordpress.com
Nobody is looking at you BFG’s
LOVED this post 🤓 I actually (gently) gave this advice to my daughter when she was around 11 years old and worried that “everyone is LOOKING at me, Mom!” It made a BIG difference for her, at the time. Most of us really ARE too focused on our own stuff to see anybody else’s…💕
MiamiMagus
All HAIL King Ben!
I’m not the King, I’m a Lord of Scotland.
adguru101
olderfatterhappierdotcom.wordpress.com
I will soon own Scotland…and then the World
One of your best, Laird Ben.
Oh, so I guess they couldn’t say the whole word hilarious and could only say the shortened version Laird.
linhah
Good post, made me laugh a couple of times.
Oh sorry, I couldn’t make you laugh any more than a “couple” of times. Next time, I do a whole stand-up routine.
Jim Flanigan
Hardly. I’m a big fan.
So I guess I’m the little fan? So I can’t air condition the whole house like you?
Fred Collier
Sep 16, 2022·pizzadriver970.wordpress.com
Reblogged this on The Night Driver and commented:
This guy…. this guy gets it.
So I get it? I don’t get it.
Fred Collier
Sep 9, 2022·pizzadriver970.wordpress.comUser Info
Generic Bitter Friday Giftures
Reblogged this on The Night Driver and commented:
How can you not like this guy?
Oh, I see, so you like the guy, but you don’t think he’s a good writer? Got it.
Jim Flanigan
Generic Bitter Friday Giftures
A C effort? It was better than that. At least a C+. Regardless, Cs get degrees! You graduated magna cum funny once again.
Not everyone can get B minuses like you Jim.
Sheila Moss
Bitter BrainStorm Friday Giftures
Funny, funny stuff. I read that the Great Salt Lake is drying up and causing alkaline dust storms. Good thing you stay indoors.
I get it. She calls me funny in the beginning only to compare my blogs to the Great Salt Lake drying up. Kind of like my talent is drying up. Got it.
If you’re still here after all these harsh criticisms…feel free to peruse the Bitter Friday Giftures…
Is the social media phenomenon Tick Tock…
These are the people that weren’t loved as children…
They love…
If I wanted to be criticized for all my hard work…
Or ask my parents to…
Just wait until I do something really significant…
Or write…
Then they’ll probably say…
Or just say they are a big fan…
No, I don’t need any criticism…
I already knew that nobody liked me…
Wait, you need feelings…
All I have to say is that I hope you don’t have to deal with the harsh, bone crushing criticism I have to deal with on a daily basis, because if you did you might turn bitter like me. I don’t wish the criticism on my worst enemies…well, maybe the critics.
ARRRRGGGGHHHHH
Bitter BBB reviews Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
I used to like movies too. Now I just worry that my opinion about it will be wrong so it’s safer not to see them.
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If you cared what other people thought, then you would be a critic. Be like me and don’t care.
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We go to the movies at 11AM on Tuesdays. We get the senior citizen discount and sit in the handicapped section. We eat our popcorn and watch 47 trailers before the actual movie comes on. But that’s ok because there are maybe 3 other people in the theater and that’s the way we like it. Just leave me alone and let me watch the damn movie.
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Man, I can’t wait to go to movies as a retired person. I’m thinking I need to FF the next 15 years.
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Yeah. And the seats recline all the way back, too. It’s good being old.
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I keep trying to find the ideal seat. When I do, I’m just going to carry it with me everywhere.
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Recliners, especially electric ones. We have six. When we have company, which isn’t often, everyone’s asleep in 5 minutes. That’s the way I like it.
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That sounds ideal except for the part where people come to my house.
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You are absolutely right. Writers have to have tough skin. They send you emails saying how bad you suck with one hand and steal your stuff and republish it with the other.
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I assume that no one will ever want to steal my stuff, because it is so bad and bitter. But I do get these really harsh criticisms like “I really think you are funny!” Rude.
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If you ever feel overcome by general bonhomie and suddenly start loving everyone, just leave a comment on my blog. I’ll be happy to rip into you and cure you…
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I appreciate you keeping me on my bitter toes. That would be horrifying if I every became happy.
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See, bloggers gotta watch each others back. Even if only to know when the perfect time to plant the dagger is.
😉
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I’m always making sure I know where everyone’s weaknesses are, so I know where to lodge a knife in someone’s back.
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Hail comrade!
Just to make it easy, my only weakness is how humble I am. I am the most humble man on the face of the earth…
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I have no weaknesses except I have no weaknesses.
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I also despise those dumbass gigantic trailers that expose everything, and the people dissecting the trailer further. And I HATE the critics. In fact I watch a movie based on how a critic rages it. Just not as they intended. If they say a movie is bad, I go watch it. And if they say it’s good, then I know it will suck balls. I use them as my own compass for what not to watch.
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Yep. I have a feeling that all critics were picked on as kids.
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The worst are the internet trolls though. They were all whining and complaining about Interview with the Vampire and Rings of Power having black people in it lol. I watched both shows and they were awesome. More evidence that one should never listen to a critic.
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I think the critics are just jealous that they couldn’t come up with a story to save their lives, because they are just bots.
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Not bots, Zombies, without style
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To be compared to The Bloggess is an honor, that shouldn’t be taken lightly. I can’t believe anyone wouldn’t know who she is. I’m bragging here, but she once left a comment on one of my posts. Jenny helped many of us feel comfortable writing personal blogs.
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Wait, what? You know her by name? I actually know who she is, but I just get jealous because she is super nuclear and I’m still a lowly blogger that doesn’t make anything from my blog.
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I was around when she first started blogging and The Bloggess was a hoot, of course– and supportive of the rest of us. She went onto fame, I stayed in the hinterlands of obscurity. I’m not at all bitter about it, so maybe this is the wrong place to talk about Jenny.
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I’m totally bitter about it, because I don’t like the hinterlands. Though I don’t need her fame, I need the wealth.
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Yes, hear ‘ya. Same here, please ignore me, but give me money, too.
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Exactly. I’m fine with being the hermit author that makes all the monies, but no one can find out who he is.
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I’m honored to be included in your dishonor role, Ben. Or, wait, should that be the other way around?
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I’m honored to be reblogged on your blog, as it sent my post to the moon. If you could only reblog every post I do, I might actually get a follower.
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I’ve been quoted! I’ve been quoted!
On the real, I wish I had half the talent you do … I have lots to say, but sometimes struggle to say it.
I like old-school pizza delivery, you know, where you call the place, place your order, and the guy knocks at your door and you no-tip him to his face. Now, people just push buttons for food, and not have to worry about no-tipping me to the face.
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Welcome to the big time. You’re now quoted on the world’s most bitter and least followed blog ever. I’m a big fan of pizza, and a big tipper, which is why I always pick it up myself, because I can’t afford to tip.
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I’d comment but I’m afraid.
Alisa
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Come on. I need some good stuff for future posts.
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Ok, boomer. Or are you elder Gen Z? Who’s keeping up?
Truly a great post. You do make bitter better.
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I meant Gen X. But I expect the admonishment. Obv, I can’t keep up.
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Yeah, Gen X, but boomers relate to me, because I want the dang kids off my lawn too.
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Same! I’m an elder millennial though. Like borderline elder.
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I might be a borderline boomer, but I act like a borderline Zillenial. My daughter is more grown up than me.
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I’m almost a boomer. I’m a Gen X. So we are actually the peacekeepers between the youngies and the boomers. Everyone likes my generation, just…not me in particular.
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I absolutely love movies! I’m a big buff reciting and injecting lines from movies in my daily life when ever applicable and sometimes when there not 🤷♀️. The best is when no one else knows what the he’ll I’m talking about. My kids tend to go through the whole disection of a trailer more than I ever care to, maybe it’s a generational thing? Anyways my movies going days are mostly over mainly because I don’t want to mortgage my home to go out on a Friday night. My couch, cozy blankets, ripped sweatpants are more than exciting to me. Now, about those critics – perhaps you can create an army to attack back. A militia filled with writers to go to each blog and comment with a simple “good writing” or “I can relate” to really stick it to them.
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These are all some really great points. Although I could have used some better critiques that I could use in future blog posts lambasting you as a critic.
I wish we could go back to the good old days of movies that weren’t ruined by trailers, but the Gen Z ruined it.
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