Supercut Bitterness

I’ve done everything for my oldest and only daughter. I attended her daddy daughter dances for years (playing the dad part of the duo), bought her closets full of clothes that she meticulously kept the tags on for years, and allowed her to live rent-free for years. I even got her a job in the company I worked for and gave her rides there every day (maybe she drove me, but I let her use my car). I even gave her half of my DNA. Do you have any idea how many rare bitter traits my DNA contains? In the end, she decided to take on her mom’s good looks, and her spy skills, but she can credit me for her underlying bitterness that will someday make her the heir to the bitter blogging kingdom I’ve created.

Behold, the Bitter Kingdom awaits you.

You didn’t think this empire would crumble just because I got old, did you? She doesn’t love writing yet, but writing is easy to teach (or have done by AI). Sadly, all this writing skill I’ve worked on for years is going to be replaced by AI soon anyways. I should know. We used to have a content writer at my company that I needed to write blog posts for web pages that I manage. He decided to go off and pursue some useless career in law and went to law school.

I freaked out a little because while I love writing fiction, writing boring blog posts about supplements makes me want to take a short drive off a long pier. Our bosses promised us that we would get another content writer soon to help with me with the pages. They said until we did, to just use the Jarvis AI writing app.

I started using the writing app and it only took me half a day to get my first post about supplements. Then the second time I used it, it only took me an hour, and third time, 20 minutes. The fourth time I used it, I saw my future career as a writer vanish into thick air. The only solace I took from that was that AI hasn’t figured out sense of humor, sarcasm or bitterness (my only writing strengths)…yet.

Don’t worry, AI hasn’t figured out sarcasm, humor or bitterness…yet.

I figure by the time I’m ready to hang up my wi-fi and enter the great internet in the sky, my daughter’s version of AI will be able to scan my 14,000 posts and write a much funnier post than I was ever able to. And you will all think that she is a much better writer than I was. And by then, I won’t care that much because I’ll be dead. Who cares what my legacy is by then?

I assume that funerals will be much better in 30 years (assuming I make it 30 more years). But I assume that I will be like the Tom Hanks character in the Green Mile, who was cursed to live much longer because of what he did to old John Coffey. I didn’t make John Coffey ride the lightning, but I have made the world a much bitter place, and I assume that I will be cursed to live in the bitter world I created because of it.

I didn’t make John Coffey ride the lightning, but I’ve made the world a bitter place.

I assume that funerals will have much better tributes and they will be able to play Supercuts of people’s lives. I’m not talking about the cheap haircut place, Supercuts. I’m talking about what Wikipedia says is, “A compilation of a large number of short video clips typically showing examples of a repeated or clichéd action or phrase of someone.” For example, I wanted to create a supercut of every time Tom Cruise ran in a movie. But there were so many of them, I ran out of time and energy to do it.

If you combine the number of cameras watching us all the time without us thinking about it anymore, the AI getting better at writing, doing art and recreating things that humans do, and 30 years of time, and I think that we will all get Supercuts of our lives at our funerals. At least that is what I’m going to request at my funeral.

I won’t be able to watch it, but I figure I owe the world at least one entertaining moment, even if it wasn’t while I was actually living. If I was to guess what the AI would do for my supercut, it would be repeated clips of me sitting on the couch. It would start when I was young, and my mom placed me on the couch for the first time. It would then juxtapose me crying because I had to get in the car and go somewhere. It would then show quick cuts of my life of couching sitting throughout my life all the way to yesterday when I exhaustedly sat down after a long day of sitting at work doing stuff to coming home and laying on the couch doing nothing.

Not a supercut.

It would probably juxtapose a few instances of me traveling or having to talk to people and the physical, mental and emotional anguish it caused me. Then at the end of the supercut, it would come up with a really catchy line like, “He lived life how he died. Laying down.”

And fade to black.

I don’t know who is better at this, me or AI.


Bitter Supercut Ben


8 thoughts on “Supercut Bitterness

  1. I’m pretty sure the cameras would die of boredom recording my life, except for those occasional bursts of me doing statistically improbable weird things.


  2. This is both amazing and frightening! I’d like to think that Robots will not have the ability to be witty, funny and sarcastic and so there will always be a genre on writing for the crazy people out there. We just have to stay in our lane. Stay Bitter! It’s genius!


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