The older I get the less time I have for shenanigans. When I was younger, I would put up with stupid stuff and stupid people, but that required a lot of energy. Now that I don’t have any energy, I have no time for shenanigans. For instance, I used to play video games that were really hard and punishing and would play them over and over again with little reward. I remember one game specifically called Mega Man 2 that I was excited about because the graphics were super sweet (at that time) and that it was a challenging game. I was looking forward to a week’s worth of challenging game play that would test my video game skills.

A couple of days later, I had already beaten the game and I was disappointed by how easy it was to beat. 20 some years later, they released the game on Nintendo again, and I was feeling nostalgic, so I decided to buy it for a couple of bones. I got ready to dominate it like I did when I was a kid and I got reality smacked in the face. It was SO HARD. How had I ever thought this game was easy?

I don’t know how my video games had diminished so drastically. I’ve been playing games since I was 7 years old when my parents accidentally purchased the Atari 2600 for me. It was then that I realized that my skills hadn’t diminished, but my patience for shenanigans. Back then, I would play something impossibly hard over and over again with little to no reward. Because I had all kinds of time, and no responsibilities, and no resources to do it any other way. I couldn’t afford to call the Nintendo Hotline, buy manuals or go on the internet to watch YouTube videos.

Now I have responsibilities and no time, and way more resources. How do I play now? I don’t put up with the shenanigans. If I get stuck in a game, I buy a gameplay manual, so I can view where I’m supposed to go on the map. Now I just watch YouTube when I get stuck. But the real game changer (get it, game changer) for me is the gameplay mode. Every major game has several difficult settings. Some version of Beginner, Intermediate, Hardcore and Insane.

Some games will mock you if you play on Easy. I don’t care. They can mock me all they want. I don’t have time to play a level over and over again. I need to feel like the world’s mightiest warrior as soon as I play that game. If I don’t, I move on to become the world’s greatest warrior in another game that has an easy mode. Sorry, I’m not a masochist. I don’t inflict pain on myself on purpose.

I need to be so powerful that I’m literally sucking in bullets like I absorbed those tasty brownies from last night. My old man reflexes and patience are wearing as thin as my hair. This guy has no time for shenanigans like dying and restarting.

One of my favorite game series to play on the Xbox is a Grand Theft Auto style game called Saints Row. It’s just like Grand Theft Auto except for it’s more humorous and tongue in cheek. And it’s much easier to not die. I can go around shooting up cars and causing destruction and the police can shoot me with their tasers and laser guns, and they just bounce off me. I just hide out in a building, and they pretend like all the destruction on the streets was some freak of nature and not me with all the guns and grenades I have on my belt. I need the police to be more lenient like that in real life. The real-life cops look at me funny when I’m breaking into the local Best Buy to steal my latest Xbox and TV set up. So annoying.

My daughter thinks I risk averse, and I have no idea why. What world accomplishments have ever come by taking risks? Steve Jobs risked his job at Apple and all his relationships and all he ever did was invent the IMac, Ipod, Iphone and the Isomethingorother. Elon Musk has risked all kinds of humiliation and mockery from Twitter trolls and all he has done is create Paypal, Tesla, and purchased Twitter.

You and my daughter might think that I never risk anything, and you guys might think you are right. My life goal of accomplishing nothing and sitting on the couch comes with a huge risk. There is a huge risk that my wife will kill me if I don’t get off that couch and help her with stuff.

In fact, I risk things all the time. Early this morning, my neighbor’s dog wouldn’t stop barking. I committed neighborly homicide of the dog’s owner in my mind, which I believe carries a minimum lifetime of bitterness and 10 years in prison. This morning I left the house and risked instant death by maybe getting hit by a meteor. I drove my car 10 minutes from home just to get to work, avoiding dozens of cars both on the other side of the road, and on my side of the road. I walked inside the building at work and risked the sign that was bolted on the building falling down on my head and causing me potential cuts and a bruise.

I also published this blog post, which is now public and up for scrutiny from potentially 10’s of people. My wife might read it and tell me that it was terrible, and that I need to edit this part out. And I might just risk telling her no. Well, okay that is a little too risky, but I might think about telling her no, and that is a huge risk for me.

What is no risk for me is the place I’m writing this post from. I’m in the middle of skydiving from 10,000 feet. If my post seems slkdfjlskdf like it’s a little unsteady, it’s because it’s really hard to type with an exploding plane above you, aslkfdj;ldskjf and a guy with a knife right next to you. Do you mind dude, I’m trying to write a bitte r blog pst right now. He didn’t liek that I was ignroing his knife swipes, so he just put a hole in my parachute. Rude.

Anyways, I’ll try to wrap this up and post it before I land. I thought I had a little more time, but you know, parachute with a hole in it…kind of makes me have to write a little faster. Oooh a bird. Why is he biting me? I don’t know why some people think birds are cool. That bird was so mean. Ahhh, shoot that guy has a gun now (get it, shoot?). That was pretty funny. What the heck, now he’s shooting it at me. Well, I’m just glad this situation isn’t risky, because there is really no reward. Except if I get more than 10 likes on this post, because that would make it worth writing this post. Hitting publish, now THAT is risky. Speaking of which, remind me to put the Gifs in before I fall.

Okay, gotta go. Wish me the best on my landing. Oh, and if I don’t make it, can you tell me wife that I was planning on doing the dishes when I got home, and she shouldn’t be mad if I don’t make it home on time tonight.

ARRRRGGGHHHHHHH (I’m falling!)

Bitter Risk Averse Ben