Blog Paralysis BFG’s

I know I keep talking about my trip to Scotland, but it’s mostly because I need to brag that I got to go there, and you didn’t. Mostly though, it was a once-in-a-lifetime trip that I will never be able to afford to go to again.

Being there was just so unique because my great-great-great grandfather something or other lived there. I got to visit his house and the building that was right across the street from his house that was a mill where he made a living. I also figured out that there was a lot of unrest in 1820 in Scotland, and his dad was part of a strike that rebelled against the Scottish Oligarchs or something. Because of that, he was jailed in Sterling Castle. Some other people that were part of the rebellion were executed, but my great, great, great, great grandfather who was pretty great, got out of jail, because he had a get out of jail free card he obtained from winning in Monopoly. Or it might be because he was really good at hypnosis, and he convinced them to let him out. Or because he was so annoying, that they sent him away. One of those reasons. Anyways, it’s good to know that in my family line, we have a rebellious streak, so I know where I got mine. And the chance to go to jail someday!

The trip to Scotland was also pretty awful. Not because of the things I saw, but because of the things I didn’t see. I could go there a thousand times, and still not be able to explore everything I wanted to see there. We were in Edinburgh for two days and we barely scratched the surface of the places I wanted to see. Yeah, we saw a few castles, but we missed out on the rest of the 1,498 castles in Scotland. I didn’t get to see the isles. Or the train place in Harry Potter or explore Glasgow. Or see all the gravesites of the people that William Wallace and Robert the Bruce defeated in battles.

That is the worst part about options. We have millions of options every day. Hundreds of food choices, hundred different types of careers, thousands of cities we could live in. Hundreds of TV shows we can watch. Millions of couches we could sit in.

It had to have been much simpler to live in Scotland in the 1820’s. You do something stupid, you go to jail in a castle. It’s not like the jail had cable or Netflix. Most of the people I know spend 50 minutes trying to decide on a show on Netflix that is half an hour long. That seems like way too much time.

Ever been to Cheesecake Factory? The food is pretty good, but their menu is endless. I think I could finish Moby Dick and then go whale hunting for the actual whale and catch it before I finished the whole menu at Cheesecake Factory. The menu is just too long. Way too many choices. Unless you’ve been there 17 times and you know exactly what you want, it can paralyze you from making a decision. If anyone in your party is indecisive or likes a lot of different kinds of foods, DON’T GO THERE.

And don’t ever go to YouTube just to “see if you can find something to watch”. It is a deep, dark, vortex that will suck up your entire life force. If you think the Delorean from Back to the Future was the time machine, you were wrong. It’s YouTube. You could start watching something in 2022, and when you finally finish watching everything, it will be 2075, you will be 102, and the Zombie Apocalypse will have taken over the world and everyone you knew will be zombies. On a positive note, they won’t try to zombify you because they think you already are a zombie, because you’ve been staring at YouTube for 50 some years and they are looking over your shoulder to watch YouTube with you.

As many videos as there are on YouTube, there are probably even more blogs. I counted every single one yesterday as research for this post and according to my count, there are 600 million, which isn’t that many considering there are 600 billion people on the earth (also counted that yesterday). So if my math is correct, that means one in every million people have a blog. Which means you have a lot of choices in blogs.

I’m going to make it simple for you. 599,999,999 of the 600 million blogs are either blogs about families, research about pill bugs, garbage collecting, or unreadable boring stuff. A lot of them are just domains that people took, but never actually posted anything on. The rest of just a bunch of reposts, or posting memes that other people made.

There is only one original, creative and groundbreaking one that is worth reading at all. I will give you a hint which one it is. It starts with Bens has bitter in the middle and ends with Please let me know if you can’t decipher the code of clues I just put in there. If you need help, call Tom Hanks of the Davinci Code, Nicolas Cage of National Treasure, or Indiana Jones of Indiana Jones.

I’m here to help you with your blog paralysis. Don’t read any others, especially your own. They will give you anxiety and depression and no one needs that. And as an extra special bonus, I will include giftures as a special part of this post…Let the blog detox begin….

When going to the Cheesecake Factory…

…beware of too many choices.

There were so many things…

…I missed out from Scotland.

Things like…

…spending time in jail.

Other stuff like…

…being a rebel.

Relaxing and…

…causing unrest.

Netflix will have you doing this…

…for 50 minutes.

Just so you can do this…

…for 30 minutes.

Don’t go down this rabbit hole…

…because it is a time machine.

And you will end up…

…in the future with zombies watching YouTube over your shoulder.

You can work on your blog all you want…

…nobody is going to read it.

Which is fine…

…because the rest are really boring.

There is only one…

…that doesn’t make you want to do this…

And it starts with bens has a bitter in the middle and ends with You’re welcome for helping you not waste any time on anything else. It’s what I do, so make sure to thank me.


Bitter Blog Paralysis Ben


19 thoughts on “Blog Paralysis BFG’s

  1. I got lost in Edinburgh and wandered around the Scott Memorial for about 3 hours looking for the hotel that was “supposedly” 20 min walk. I missed my barge tour by an hour, and I scared the living daylights out of the rest of the people on my tour because I just had a dead phone and couldn’t call anyone. (And it was dead because I engaged the map function to find the direction to the hotel.)
    All the castles look alike except for the scenery. They share ghosts and heroic stories. (I understand that there’s some sort of rotating schedule for the ghosts and monsters.) The bus schedules are indecipherable and unless you have correct change, they’ll take your 20-pound note for your 1.67 trip and call it profit. The graves of all the people Wallace and Bruce killed are buried in trenches and unmarked. Good luck to you and your team of archeologists. BTW, not everyone has Sean Connery’s cute knees so no, the general population of Scots do not look good in a kilt, and would most likely cut off their own ears with a claymore. Aye. Ye got the best of Scotland, y’did. Don’t go on ’bout it.


    • That was pretty much my experience there. I almost always had a dead phone, I saw way too many castles (do people have normal houses there?), and I couldn’t understand anyone speaking Scots. And driving there was dreadful. Mostly because my sister thought I was getting too close to the side. I kept telling her I’d rather get too close the curbs than the oncoming traffic.


  2. Reblogged this on Mitch Teemley and commented:
    My Featured Blogger this week is Ben of Ben’s Bitter Blog. A man whose motto is “we maked bitter better,” Ben has selflessly dedicated his life to complaining about anything and everything, with particular attention to being irrational and self-mocking. Oh, yeah, and very funny. Read on and see just how nobly Ben rants about…whatever has just popped into his head.


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