I don’t know about you, but I’m fascinated by the story of Steve Jobs. Why? Because he more at things than I have ever even attempted. Failure is the bedrock of bitterness. And if you think I’m bitter, you should see how bitter Steve Jobs was. Not as bitter, but he was one of the all time greats. Ever heard of the Macintosh? How about NexT computers? Pixar? Yeah, me neither. Sure, he helped with the development of the iPod, iPhone, iPad, and iMac, but if it didn’t have an I in front of it, then it sucked. And if you said to Jobs, “There is no I in team….” he would have said, “Yeah, but there is an I in Ipod, Iphone, Ipad and IMac.” He never really created anything, that was mostly Woz and his engineers. If there was anything Jobby boy was good at, it was taking credit for things other people did, yelling really loud at people for not creating things he wanted, and not learning anything from his failures. Why do you think I was such a great role model for him?
I do give him a little credit to him for inventing Apples. Honeycrisp apples. If I am forced to have an apple a day to keep the doctor away, I will use a MacBook Pro, but if it has to be an apple you eat, it will be the Honey Crisp. He knew that Honey Crisps were the tastiest ones and that Red Delicious ones were most associated with applesauce because they taste like mush. And apple sauce? Good for kids, bad for adults. The only use for applesauce is in the rhyme, “I’m the boss, applesauce. Don’t be wise, Bubble-Eyes, it’s your fault, Garlic Salt, Understand, Rubber Band?” This was actually one of Steve Jobs’s few successes, coining these phrases. Because he was the boss of Apple and Sauce-iness. (Actually, once again he took credit for the phrases, even though Mary and Herbert Knapp wrote them in a book called The Secret Education of American Children in 1976.) Rightttt around the time Stevie Boy was taking credit for creating Breakout while he made Woz create it. So, you know, Stephen really liked taking credit for building things that Woz created.
I wouldn’t even be surprised if Woz created the Macintosh and Stever called it a Honey Crisp and said it was his idea. Or if Woz really was Lisa’s father and Steve Jobs just took credit for ignoring her his whole life.
Many people would claim that Steve Jobs’ biggest accomplishment was the iPhone or Buzz Lightyear (he liked to get buzzed I guess), but my contention is that his greatest invention was inventing Breakout. Phones, fairly important, personal computers…sometimes older people use them now, I guess. Toy Story, just another cartoon about toys. Video games though?
Video games are the most important invention in the world.
Video games helped me survive many of the darkest periods of my life. School, daytime, nighttime, work and interacting with people. For instance, in school, I always did my best at ignoring my teachers when I had video games to distract me. They also really helped me when I was trying to upset my parents. If I wasn’t doing that, then what use was I as a teenager?
Video games were also a really great way to invest my money. Many of you work really hard to invest your money in stocks, bonds, savings, retirement, 401K, and cryptocurrency. I’m much harder at work investing all my money in digital assets like horse armor for my character in Skyrim, or new uniforms for my Gears in Gears of War. You might be laughing now, but it won’t be so funny in a few years when we are all sent to the Metaverse, by order of President Zuckerburg. Laugh at me when your precious horse that took you four years of grinding to obtain, gets a little bow and arrow to its thigh. You could have saved your purple unicorn with a little horse armor, but instead you invested in Tesla that gave you lots of real world dollars but couldn’t save your digital unicorn.
I could’ve sold you some digital horse armor for the low price of $50 million real-world dollars, but you thought it was better to eat food instead of investing in digital video game assets, because you weren’t a visionary like me. Instead, you invested in real-world stuff, and then ridiculed me. Don’t worry though. When you’re all sprawled out on the digital ground, and I walk by with my overpowered Video Game Character and you are asking me for some spare bittercoin, I will remember the times that I asked you to contribute to my Bitter Empire and you thought I was a bad investment. Let me just tell you two things about me:
- I remember every slight, big or small. If I asked you for a pencil on the first day of 3rd grade and you said I couldn’t borrow one of your six pencils, I remembered it, Billy Engle.
- They don’t call me Bitter Revengerman for nothing. I have a mile-long list and I don’t forget slights. You know how in Kill Bill she had a list that she had for revenge? I do too. It will be completed.
Bitter Revengerman is a dish best served cold. I should know. I grew up in South Dakota. To paraphrase Bane, from the Dark Knight Returns:
“Oh, you think cold revenge is your ally. You merely adopted the cold revenge. I was born in cold revenge, molded by it. I didn’t see warm revenge until I was already a man. By then, it was nothing but a warm summer revenge!”
As you can see, I get emotional sometimes. That is why my therapist, Vide O. Games, prescribed an emotional support video game. I have emotional revengebursts, which causes serious consequences, like a mild case of apathy and severe non-chlantitis. When I pull out my video games to help me cope with the stresses of my day, like other people or handling a few hours of work, I ask you that you not stare. It’s rude to stare at someone who suffers from emotional revengebursts. And having an Emotional Support Video Game (ESVG) should be normalized. If you see me playing video games on a plane, at a grocery store, or at work, just ignore me and know that my ESVG is helping me in a lot of ways. Like keeping annoying people like you away from me, distracting me from harmful things like work, and keeping me close to things that are important like my couch, chair, or refrigerator.
ESVG’s are not a joke and should be taken very seriously. Besides, video games are absolutely essential for our future in the Metaverse, and they are my way of coping with this overwhelming world that you’ve placed me in. So suck it up and just accept me for who I am. And I would suggest a donation to the BBB Empire, if you know what is good for you. You don’t want to fail over and over again and become bitter like Steve Jobs, do you?
Bitter Emotional Support Video Game Ben