When I first started my job at a radio company, they had a reader board above the conference room. One of ladies in my department had just celebrated her 15 years there. I had a few reactions to that. My first reaction was, “How could anyone have the endurance to last 15 years at a company?” and my second reaction was, “Why would anyone stay at a company for 15 years?”

That was in 2001. Post Y2K bug, but pre-9-11.

Fast forward to 2016, and I was still there. 15 years later. I had gone through hundreds of co-workers, 15 stressful year-end sales pushes, and 780 pizza Fridays.

At the end, we didn’t have a reader board like we did in the early days. But on July 1, 2016, I imagined that we did, and some new employee would come into our company, and they would look up at the board and wonder, “How could anyone have the endurance to last 15 years at a company?” and “Why would anyone stay at a company for 15 years?”

In 2016, my wife and I finally decided that I should go back to school and learn a little about social media. We moved to Utah, I went to school and then I started looking for jobs again.

Applying for jobs had changed a little since 2001. Back then, the internet was still pretty new, and cell phones were still a little “bricky”. There was still such a thing as paper applications and newspapers were actually delivered to people houses, and still contained job openings. Sometimes you would do phone interviews, but video interviews didn’t exist.

When I first started my search, I still thought I could go to a company and ask for a paper application. I soon realized that Indeed and Glassdoor and Facebook were the only way to find jobs.

The problem I’m running into now, is that Indeed doesn’t seem to have the jobs I want listed anywhere.

The one I really want to apply to apply for is billionaire and I can’t seem to find any listings for it. I have the qualifications for it. I have the need to have a huge mansion. I love jet setting around the world in private jets, and I’m willing to ignore all you peasants in order to get what I want. I’m even really good at spending money frivolously. If I don’t find a billionaire listing, I might have to dig a little deeper and possibly find a lottery winner listing or see if I can find a job as Batman/Bruce Wayne. I did a Batcave study abroad in college and took a class in secret door entrancing. In high school I even took a Batmobile Driver’s Ed and got a Class B on my Driver’s license. I’m really good at sitting in caves and thinking about my dead grandparents.

There are other positions I would also accept in place of billionaire. I would also accept the position of author. I am a really great writer, I have many book ideas that are ready to be published as soon as I write them, and I’m really great at telling people I’m busy because “I’m writing” and can’t be interrupted. I also get writer’s block quite often, which I know is a requirement for being a great writer. The problem I’m seeing is that publishers are having a hard time sending me my advances and setting me up with an editor that fixes all my mistakes. Indeed’s slogan is “We help people get jobs.” Indeed, they don’t.

I was looking for a job as a professional NBA basketball bench warmer, but I haven’t seen any openings for that on Indeed either. Again, I’m immensely and uniquely talented in the sitting arts. I have millions of hours of sitting on couches at home, sitting at jobs typing, and even sitting down on the floor when couches or chairs aren’t available. And get this. Because I’m from South Dakota, I spent many hours sitting in the snow, and guess what happened when I did that? The snow melted. If you can’t see how these buns are amazing at warming benches, then you don’t know me at all and should have interviewed me. I would even show them IN THE INTERVIEW how warm I can keep seats. And don’t worry, I won’t break the bank for your team. I will take the league minimum and never complain. I would never even ask for playing time, and would sit through all the practices. Because that’s my job.

I’ve also looked on Indeed for a job as an Entourage member of a famous person. You know, the ones that hang in the famous person’s pool while they are on the road making money for me. I have great lounging skills, I love to take credit for other people’s accomplishments, and I do really well in mansions and in private jets. I have mad “money-flipping” skills, which I hear are required for music videos that I will be a background player in. I’m really good at disappointing my friends at key moments which are just part of the job. I can recite lines like, “Man, you’ve changed since back in our high school days when we were just a thugs…” and “I’m sorry man, I didn’t mean to embezzle all that money from your bank account…” and “Yeah, I know it’s a lot of money, but I needed to pay that guy for all my casino debt.” I’ve memorized my lines perfectly. I can be a hanger-on with just about any crew. Just give me a chance.

I also don’t see any listings for Instagram Model/Tik Tok influencer anywhere on Indeed. I know they have age and looks requirements, but I think that is crap, and quite frankly illegal (ageism), so if I don’t start seeing more older influencers soon, I’m going to have to take it up with the Influencer board. I may not have the looks of my 21-year-old self, but I still look good for the 49-55 demographic. I’m also working on my selfie skills, and I also have my degree in Reel and Tik Tok management. I’ve applied to live in a couple of hype houses, but they keep saying stuff like, “Who is this old guy talking to us?” It seems like they could use a few more senior members that could show them a thing or two about being lazy and still really good at still collecting lots of cash for doing nothing but looking good. help film selfies and with the lighting. I can also offer tips to the younguns like teaching them the right filter to make them look spectacularly fake. Don’t ever tell me that my degree never amounted to anything.

I think Indeed needs to start stepping up their game to help me find the real job that I want, because as they say dress like job you want. So lounging around in my jammies and sitting on the couch should help me get the NBA bench warmer job I want.

ARRRRGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Indeed better get me a better job Ben