I remember very vividly when Pokemon Go came out. It was the summer of 2016 and I was quitting my job of 15 years, and we were packing all our stuff to move 800 miles away. It was a busy summer to say the least. Pokemon Go was this phenomenon where almost everyone in the US and maybe the world was doing for about a month that summer. It may have been the last nationwide pop culture event that our country had seen, where almost everyone was doing this one simultaneously together. I was actually kind of blown away that it became mainstream for a while.

I found it interesting, because I had been playing Pokemon since 1998. I discovered this fun little RPG (role playing game) that I really liked. I remember playing it in between phone calls at my job and to this day, I wonder how I ever didn’t get fired for playing it. Pokemon captured my imagination, not because of the cuteness of the creatures (many people’s reason), nor the battling of the Pokemon (many nerds favorite), but for the evolutions. I loved that if you battled with your Pokemon for long enough, you could make them grow into a more powerful, and they would evolve into a cooler looking creature. The names were pretty classic too, because they would combine something about them with the name of the creature. For instance, there was a fire Pokemon called Charizard. His name was a combination of Char (for fire) with a lizard. The names almost always had some pun or something that activated my dad pun sense of humor.

The thing that started happening with Pokemon was that people started combining the name of things in the real world with Poke at the beginning or mon at the end, which to this day is still something that people do, IE me.

For instance, I call myself a Brokemon. I have a job, but it doesn’t pay me very much money. The money I do have goes into what I will call my “Savingsmon” Pokemon, which is a bank account that is “Not very effective” against two Pokemon types that are always attacking it. On one side, there is the Governmon Pokemon that has the ability to drain my account on a bi-weekly basis using the FIT (Federal Income Tax) attack that is “Super Effective” against my “Savingsmon”.

Governmon also uses another powerful Tank Pokemon that uses the “Inflation” attack, which quickly siphons all my money on the other side. My “Savingmon” is in a tank so bad that it’s missing most of its hull, the turret doesn’t twist anymore, and the tracks are worn to the nubs. Needless to say, there is no ammo left either. Since my Savingsmon is barely hanging on, I might soon have to get another Pokejob, or I might have to hope for a win in the Pokelottery.

On the other side, I have another intense rival, that would at first appear to be on my side. This rival trainer is called Family and they drain Savingsmon from the other side. Their main attack is called, “I need”. They use phrases like, “I need shoes for school” or “I need a burger from Sonic” or “I need this equipment for football” and this is a very strong attack indeed. I try to counter with moves like, “RU Sure?” and “Patience” but those attacks rarely ever work. “RU sure you need those shoes?” or “Patience will save us a lot of money, and may even make you change your mind about how much you need them.” Unfortunately, my intense rival doesn’t have patience.

In the end, my “Savingsmon” hasn’t fainted yet, but it will soon turn into a Brokemon if it doesn’t get an infusion of cash soon. I assume that other more fortunate Pokemon trainers will start donating their excessive cash to me, so I can start moving toward the final boss called “Retirement” and avoid the bad trainers called “Poverty”.

ARRRRGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Brokemon Ben