LARPing Bitterness

I recently returned back to the United States of America after my trip to the savage land of Scotland. It was a reminder to me how much I do not like doing things when I’m on vacation. What happened to the days of Hawaii, when I went there to relax and lay on the beach? Or the staycations, where I woke up late, sat on the couch, and the most strenuous thing I did all day was play video games all night?

Now that I’m older, and mostly out of school, I don’t want to spend 24 hours hopping from plane to plane, airport to airport, cramped seat to cramped seat, only to arrive in a country where they drive on the wrong side of the road, the driver is on the wrong side of the car, and country is on the wrong side of the world.

Cars on the wrong side of the road.

The whole theme of Scotland’s favorite person to roast, William Wallace of Braveheart, was freeedddoommm. And yet, the whole time I was there, I didn’t feel near as freeee as I do when I am sitting on my couch in my house in the United States of America. Because of the strict nature of traveling, I could only bring a backpack and one small suitcase. I had to wear my clothes and unders a couple of times each.

William Wallace.

In addition, they had some of the most cockeyed showers I had ever seen. The knobs and the twisting and the turning made Mission Impossible seem like a little-kids 8-piece puzzle. Did you know that the famous Scotland Yard isn’t even in Scotland? What is the point of naming a yard after your country and then locating it in London? Seriously…do we name our police the Canadian Mounties?

The main draw of Scotland was its many castles and old buildings. They were built of bricks and stones that broke people’s bones and it had this really nice black soot mold stuff growing on the outside of all the buildings. You know what we do with old buildings in the United States? We condemn them, tear them down and make new buildings. Who has time for castles in the United States? I’d rather live in a mansion that has good wifi and a theater room.

Don’t get me started on the plugs there. They don’t fit any of our devices. We had to bring all these adapter things when we went. Other countries should know by now that they should be adapting to us.

And the accents. Supposedly they are speaking English, but nothing I’ve ever heard before. They kept sounding like people in England and Ireland, and some people in Arkansas. The same language, but so strongly accented that we couldn’t understand them. They might as well have been speaking Russian. They kept using weird words like Aye, and Wee to describe things like “Yes” and “Little”. Just say words I can understand.

Real battles in the streets.

Have you ever seen these weird kids that dress up in the outfits like suits of armor and kilts and have pretend fights from the 1600’s and call themselves LARPers? No one in Scotland LARPs. It’s because they don’t role play there. They really wear kilts and suits of armor. They actually have sword fights in the middle of the street. They actually storm castles and herd cows, or as they call them coos. They even have these emo cows called Highland Coos, that grow their hair out to cover their faces. If you’ve ever seen Robert Smith of the Cure, the cows grow their hair out just like him.

Even though I didn’t like the Highland Coos, I did have to respect them. They were celebrity cows. Scotlanders revered them so much that they didn’t make them into meat, and they didn’t milk them. They were just like celebrities in that they didn’t really do anything. Everyone just wanted their pictures. While all the other cows were getting milked and then made into hamburgers, the Highland Coos just hung out, got their picture taken, and got book deals, merch in all the Scottish gift shops, and most important of all, got their own kitchen magnets.

Emo cows.

All I know is that you really shouldn’t have to travel all the way across the world just so you can get pictures of things that are right here in America. Things like rocks. Houses. Grass. Battlefields. Cemetaries. Cows. Emos. LARPers.

Regardless, I was able to take a picture of where J.K. Rowling wrote Harry Potter. It was this red cafe called the Elephant House. So, you know, like a Starbucks you could find right here in the US.

Coffee houses.

ARRRRGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Scottish LARPing Ben

61 thoughts on “LARPing Bitterness

  1. I am from Arkansas and my maternal grandfather’s last name was Scott, but I speak mostly hillbillyese (yes, I made up that word–like we do most words in our native tongue). However, I don’t think the Scots could even understand me except when I order a pint of ale.
    We have hundreds of yard sales in my neck of the woods. I tell my wife we already have more yard than I care to mow, so why buy more? But, this could explain how Scotland Yard wound up in London. Some drunken Brit tourist rolled up a chunk of a poor sucker’s lawn and took it home with him. As we say here, “The grass may look greener, but you still have to mow it.”

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re maternal Grandfather probably owns half the land there, which sucks, because as you say, mowing that much land is for the birds. I would rather have birds mowing my lawn anyways. I’m actually glad I don’t own that much land, because I hate mowing lawns. Luckily, that is part of our HOA, so let them do it.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I cannot wait to travel to Scotland and tromp all over the place looking at rocks, coos and moldy castles….at least that’s what I tell my husband. TBH I just want to drink scotch and watch men in kilts (note to self – bring blue ribbons).As always, thanks for the laugh.

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    • I’m glad I sold the amazingness of Scotland. They cannot have any more rocks, grass and buildings than…anywhere else in the world. Nice to travel all the way across the world, just to see the same stuff we have here.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. 😂 😂 Robert Smith!! 😂 😂 Excellent! For some reason Scotland fascinates me; personally I think it’s the kilts. Travel is such a hassle which is why I never go anywhere. I can sit in my recliner and watch a beautiful travel documentary of Scotland instead. Now, why didn’t you think of that? 🤷🏼‍♀️

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        • We did get to see a…show that had a couple of guys in kilts and some girls dancing with their tartans. It was a little too long, but at least we got to eat some haggus. Wait, maybe that wasn’t a good thing. At least we got to leave at the end? Poor Bruce though. I asked him if I could listen to his music on Spotify, but he said that Spotify ruined his career and he wanted us to buy his CD. Maybe if I knew what a CD was…

          Liked by 1 person

    • I was definitely an American tourist. And let me tell you, they did despise me. They especially hated my non accent. They are definitely glad to be rid of me, though I was probably just replaced by more bitter American tourists.

      Liked by 1 person

        • Yeah, those dang tourists. Can’t they just go bug people at the popular sites that I avoid? Instead they come to my house, because they heard there was a really bitter American living there. It’s true, but I hate when they want my picture.

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