A long time ago, I decided to make a decision. Making decisions are really hard for me, so I had to hype myself up just to decide to make a decision. I finally decided to make one, but then I changed my mind. Then I changed back, because someday I knew that I would have to pay bills. Having a career wasn’t about thriving or surviving. It was that I knew bills were going to come for some reason and I knew I would have to pay for them.
Since jobs eventually turn into careers if you ignore ambition long enough, I decided that I would be in marketing, even though I had no idea what it would take, what a job in marketing would look like, or how people expected me to do that job. What I did realize was that is that millions of products being made, and millions of people need them. If you don’t know something exists, then how are you supposed to buy it? There are two ways to make people aware of things existing. Either you have salespeople tell other people about products one at a time, which is a slow, expensive, and usually ineffective way to do it. But every once in a while, you can spot an extrovert in the wild and hire them to talk to people. Those kind of people are like the Charizard Pokemon card. Super rare, and if you hire them, you might actually be stuck in an elevator with them and if that is the case, they could burn you (or even worse, talk to you).
The other way is doing it cheaper and just as ineffectively, by using marketing. Mass media. Telling more people at the same time. Because I don’t want to be a salesperson, or talk to one, I decided that marketing is my way to go.
After years of being in marketing, I can tell you with all my experience, there are thousands of ways to ineffectively market to people, and I’ve used every single one. Of course, there are always new, more efficient ways to be ineffective, and I’m always about learning those things.
I’m all about inefficiency. If there is a way to find the wrong audience, I’ve mastered it. If there is a new way to spend money to get a negative ROAS, I’ve discovered it. If there is a new way to test things incorrectly, I’ve invested other people’s money to do that.
The number one marketing principle is simple. Find a need and fill it. I always thought that meant that when someone needed water, you gave them something to eat. I was always so close. And yet so far.
With all that experience of missing the mark, I accidentally stumbled on something the other day, that might work, so I’m investing all my money into this amazing product.
First, I need to remind you of the state of the world today. Inflation is rising around the world. There is war in Ukraine, and many other places that we don’t talk about. There is baby formula shortages, famine, earthquakes, floods, and worst of all, some NBA players are suffering from not getting their bonus because they missed the All-Star game this year. If that isn’t a sign that the world is going to hell, then I don’t know what it’s going to take to alert us all.
Since the world is going to hell in a handbasket, I’m going to create a handbasket they can be comfortable in.
My handbasket company will anticipate your every need. No matter where you go, whether it’s to the market, to the mall, or even the everlasting fires of eternity, you want to go in style. You want your friends to say OOOHHH and AAAWWWW, when it’s a cold day and it’s about to freeze over, or if it’s more of a normal summer day in Arizona.
These handbaskets can handle any trip, whether it’s to the Gobi desert or the underworld of Hades, because they are fireproof, waterproof, and can be run over by a tank and still maintain their perfect shape. They come in dozens of different colors, like red, brick red, orange red, burgundy, cherry, burning tomato, lava, mars red, scarlet, or crimson. If that wide variety of colors don’t meet your specific needs, you can go on our website, http://www.handbasketsforhades.com/, where you can custom invent your very own shade of red.
The best part is that I’m finding a need and filling it. You’re going to need one, and I am providing them. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is marketing. It helps both you, and my bank account needs. You will have the custom handbasket you never knew you needed, and I will have enough money to invest in more companies and businesses that will help me build more businesses that will help us all be more comfortable in the Fire’s and the Brimstone.
Perhaps my next company should be a pizza that requires a lot of heat.
Bitter “That’s really hot!” Ben
4 thoughts on “The World is Going to…”
Decisions are better left to a magic 8 ball…or a coin flip..or a roll of the dice…dammit I can’t decide!
This entire site is hilarious!
Ben, you remind me of myself (that’s not a compliment).
This next remark might be a bit smug and presumptuous, but it’s entirely sincere: I think that you might, possibly conceivably maybe, enjoy my book… or at least enjoy its website. And I think the folks who follow your blog might enjoy it, too (folks who follow Ben’s blog – take note).
I’d be honored if you checked out the site and left me some feedback.
I am a lousy decision maker.
Decisions are dumb. I need to hire someone to make the for me. Or better yet have someone volunteer to make them for me.