Besides the fact that I’m so dynamic, handsome and funny, one of the biggest reasons why wife decided to marry me is because I’m so adventurous. For instance, I will venture off the couch and take out the garbage. Sometimes I’ll eat a stuff crusted pepperoni instead of a regular crusted pepperoni pizza. It is this sense of adventure that keeps her intrigued with me all the time.

Actually, she makes fun of how she can set her watch on how routinous I am. She thinks I have almost an OCD-like tendency to do the same way all the time. She knows that when I get off my routine it kind of throws me off, like when I have to drive my car any more than normal. It’s an electric car, so I get a little tense when the meter goes below 50%. It might have to do with that one time I ran out of battery power when I was 4 miles from home and had to charge it for an hour just so I could drive the four miles home.

Or it could be that I do the same thing with my phone and any other thing that needs to be charged. I’m the same way with being on time. I hate being late to things and if I’m late, it throws off my whole day. If I even wake up a little late, it rushes my morning routine and I can’t concentrate until I have my day back in order.

Don’t get me started when on when someone else is late for an appointment with me. You can probably guess why I don’t like doctors, waiting for a bus, or when the door is locked at work when I come in.

I’m also very intolerant when it comes to the writer’s on my Ben’s Bitter Blog Inc. staff. Lately, I’ve noticed that the writing has been particularly good and relatively free from error. It has been witty, competent, and good at making points. They’ve even been utilizing this relatively new and unproven thing called spell check to make sure that most wurds are spelled currectly.

That kind of thing isn’t forgivable, but lately I’ve also noticed what is considered even more unforgivable. My writers are trying to sneak in little bits of optimism, hope and positivity into posts. I can’t have my growing audience of 12 or 13 people starting to think positively about life. They can find positivity on numerous other terrible podcasts, Dr. Phil, or watching news about politics, but people come to the bitter blog as their only real source of bitterness.

I’m kind of like a really bad doctor, because I’ve run out of patience. The competency is infuriating, the good writing is quite frankly making my writing look bad, not bitter. On the other hand, I really like firing people, because not only does it give them no opportunity to collect unemployment, but it also makes them have to go home with their tail between their legs and have to explain to their families that they couldn’t even hack it at a hack blog site. Ironically, those employees that were starting to gain hope, got fired and finally learned how to be bitter. They’re welcome.

Needless to say, I had the opportunity to do massive layoffs yesterday and man, did it fuel my bitterness. I had pick up all the slack, which means I’m going to have to ignore work and my family a lot more now. Ben’s Bitter Blog Inc. is going to go back to the mediocre blog you’ve all come to expect. On behalf of my employees (me), I’d like to let you know that we (I) know you that you will be able to expect much worse writing from now forward, but it will make you much more bitter (bitterer?). Now on to the mediocrely Bitter Giftures you’ve come to expect like clockwork…

If only I was more like Dwight…

I bought that…

…because we all know that I’m the World’s worse boss.

If you want something done wrong…

You know you did your firing right…

Then after they are sad…

You will want to hire…

You might want to consider…

Your former employees have to tell their families…

Not only that…

Don’t worry that they’re moving on…

Anyone could offer them a chance to be a part of something…

But it is only me…

Unfortunately, for all my former employees, they are going to be like everyone else who just goes along trying to be somebody in this world. They might have a small positive effect on people. But they will never be able to spread mass bitterness like my company provides.

ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Huge Layoffs Ben