These things.

When I grew up, we had these things called phones that were just a menace. They had long cords, big circular dials and were only used for actually calling people to talk, which quite frankly is the least good thing about phones. If you wanted to talk to someone that lived far away, you either had to write them a letter or call them on the phone, which was super expensive(the call, not the letter).

It was a much better time back then for someone that liked avoiding people and needed an excuse. They didn’t even have voice mail or answering machines, so there was no real way to know if some was just ignoring you or just weren’t home or busy. Nowadays, there are so many ways to get in touch with someone, that there is almost no way to avoid people. If you don’t answer your cell phone (which you promise everyone you carry with you at all times), you can text someone. If they aren’t there, then they social media blast you. They Insta, Facebook, Twitter or Snapchat you. Sometimes you are even gullible enough to put GPS on your phone and people can pinpoint the place where you are.

That being said, even if you don’t like the communication part of having a phone, you like the part where you can escape from people while being in their very presence. On a date that isn’t going well? Look down at your phone. In the waiting room and don’t like any of the book thingys with confusing words? Hop on the phone and play some games. Don’t like the kids you birthed and all they seem to want to do is annoy you? Give them your tablet or phone and then look at your phone as a way of distracting both of you from your misery.

All these things lead to the fact that you probably think that your phone or tablet is the world’s most amazing handheld. Well, you are wrong. When it comes to the most amazing invention that can fit in your hand, it is this most useful technology available to man.

When I grew up, we had these things called phones that were just a menace. They had long cords, big circular dials and were only used for actually calling people to talk, which quite frankly is the least good thing about phones. If you wanted to talk to someone that lived far away, you either had to write them a letter or call them on the phone, which was super expensive(the call, not the letter).

It was a much better time back then for someone that liked avoiding people and needed an excuse. They didn’t even have voice mail or answering machines, so there was no real way to know if some was just ignoring you or just weren’t home or busy. Nowadays, there are so many ways to get in touch with someone, that there is almost no way to avoid people. If you don’t answer your cell phone (which you promise everyone you carry with you at all times), you can text someone. If they aren’t there, then they social media blast you. They Insta, Facebook, Twitter or Snapchat you. Sometimes you are even gullible enough to put GPS on your phone and people can pinpoint the place where you are.

That being said, even if you don’t like the communication part of having a phone, you like the part where you can escape from people while being in their very presence. On a date that isn’t going well? Look down at your phone. In the waiting room and don’t like any of the book thingys with confusing words? Hop on the phone and play some games. Don’t like the kids you birthed and all they seem to want to do is annoy you? Give them your tablet or phone and then look at your phone as a way of distracting both of you from your misery.

All these things lead to the fact that you probably think that your phone or tablet is the world’s most amazing handheld. Well, you are wrong. When it comes to the most amazing invention that can fit in your hand, it is this most useful technology available to man.

Hot Pockets. THE handheld device.

It is the Hot Pocket. As amazing as a cell phone is, you can’t eat them. As awesome as a tablet can be, they can’t keep you alive if you are starving. As amazing as a tiny camera is, you can’t fold the piece of paper around them or stuff the most amazing foods invented, pepperoni and cheese, inside of them. For all the data and information you can stuff inside a phone, you still can’t stuff it in your belly.

The phone is an amazing invention, but if you were dying and given the chance to choose between having all the world’s information at my fingertips, or a delicious, butter crusted, pepperoni pizza in a handheld package, I choose the Hot Pocket. The phone might be able to order me a pizza, but that would take 30 minutes and I could be dead by then. The Hot Pocket takes two minutes and I would die a happy man, knowing that pepperoni and cheese were the last thing that touched my tongue. Aren’t you craving one right now?

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Handheld Ben

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Target Deal of the Day: Mastering Pizza: The Art and Practice of Handmade Pizza, Focaccia, and Calzone – Hardcover. If you can eat pizza pockets, you can at least read about it. If I was to write a book, this is definitely the direction I would go in writing one. Perhaps I will write a book about mastering the Hot Pocket.