Today is the day that will go down in infamy. Oh wait, that is another speech. Besides, each day of my life goes down in infamy, but today is the day that I go from 44 to 45. So, unluckily for all of you, you get my annual list of things that make me bitter, one for each bitter year of my life. Don’t enjoy.
1. Buffalo Wings – Since when could buffalo’s fly? And if they could fly, why would we kill them just to have restaurant for Wild Bill.
2. High Winds – No I’m not talking about after a chili cookoff.
3. Squeaky Doors – Even Ninja’s struggle when you have squeaky doors.
4. Speed Bumps – Considering we only have 15 on our street, it’s so easy to get down.
5 . Mini Cupcakes – As Kevin from the office said, it’s a mini version of a cupcake, which already a mini version of cake.
6. Real ingredients – They may be healthy, but they taste like tree bark. Tree bark is a real ingredient.
7. Horses – They work too hard to be able to claim the expression, “Horsing around.”
8. Hey Good looking what you got cooking – In addition to being a terrible song, it’s also a terrible message. Just because I’m so good looking doesn’t mean I can cook.
9. Candles – How could they contain the awesome power of fire, and also contain the lame power of scent?
10. Butter knives – How could they contain the awesome power of a knife, but really only contain the power to spread butter.
11. Cowboy hats – Apparently the symbol of the fact that you work with cows and you are a boy.
12. Pigs in a blanket – I guess they need to be warm sometimes.
13. Pillows – If you have two for each cubic inch of your bed, your couch, and house you may have too many.
14. Going back to the old house – When you have to slum it in your old house.
15. The peeling of the cheese stick – When the wrapper is broken and you can only eat the cheesehead from the top instead of peeling it.
16. Baloney – Not only does it signify phony, but it tastes like baloney, which is bad.
17. Googol – When I was growing up, googol meant the ultimate high number. Like, “On Super Mario Brothers I got a google plus 1.” Now all it means is how to get help finding papers to plagiarize.
18. Phones – Wishing A. Graham Bell invented smart phones without the phone part.
19. Horse Blankets – Why do horses need them? Horses don’t need to keep warm while watching movies.
20. Pigeons – Always taking up the good stools.
21. Small Talk – Go big or go home. If it isn’t about my $30 mill in lottery winnings, or about my book getting published, go home.
22. The news – Nothing new about it. All the same.
23. Holding Grudges – Why don’t people hold more of these?
24. Jealousy – Besides bitterness, one of my favorite emotions.
25. Common Core Math – Okay, these idiots thought it would be a good idea to teach math in a different way than their parents, so that parents couldn’t help their kids on homework. Brilliant.
26. Algorithms – No one understands them except the geniuses at Google and Facebook and they are constantly using them to screw each and every business in a personal way.
27. Journies to the Middle Earth – It would be a pleasure to got to the middle of the earth right now, because it is a little warmer there.
28. Junk Mail – The only reason that the post office exists, and one of our best ways to ruin the environment.
29. 900 Numbers – Bitter about them going away, since it was my business model to screw all you suckers out of all your money.
30. Greeting Cards – There are no bitter greeting cards. Makes it hard to buy birthday cards for all my closest friends and family.
31. DNA – If only there were easier ways to give people the bitter gene.
32. Buzzkill – What everyone does to me each morning when they interupt whatever I was doing to say hi.
33. Magic Carpet Rides – The best way to commute, except for cars, buses trains, airplanes heliopters and drones.
34. Log Cabins – I would buy one, but only if Ron Swanson made it.
35. Gluten – Whoever does this diet is a gluten for punishment.
36. Caucuses – No one knows what they mean, and they only happen every for years. Kind of like the Winter Olympics.
37. Injection sites – Druge companies fancy way of telling us where you are supposed to get shot.
38. Cactuses – I would rather hug one of these than another person. At least a cactus would try a bro hug.
39. Dove – 1/4 cup of moisturizers and 3/4 happiness. If only it could be 4/4 bitterness.
40. Weight loss – I have an easier way. Just find a magic eraser that you can just use on your fat.
41. Beards – A controversial subject that I never thought would be. Some love them, some hate them, no one has no opinion on them.
42. Bittersauraus Rex – A species of dinosaur that they never used in Jurassic Park.
43. Housewide Pizza Shortages – Send money to my cause in which I save my household from ever not having pizza.
44. Dentists – I’m not so much an anti-dentite as I am just pro not dentists.
45. Literally – This is literally the most wrongly used word in the history of words.
You might think that every year I do this, coming up with a new list of things would be harder. On the contrary, it is easier, because of all the stupid things I or other people do all the time. So thank you all for that.
Bitter Getting Older Sucks Ben