American Idle

I know Simon…this is how I felt watching your show.

I used to love American Idol. And by love it, I mean mocking all the hundreds of people that watched it. I guess you could say I was the hipster of American Idol because I liked it before it was cool. Not American Idol per say, but this show on WB that came before Idol existed. Because I thought Idol was just a cheap copy of that show, I never watched it. I was forced to hear about it for years from people at work, all the entertainment networks, and I’ve had to hear Kelly Clarkson and all those other musicians singing bad songs for years.

We all know Paula Abdul and Simon were insane right? So why did you people all still watch them over and over again? Now I hear that American Idull is coming back. Guess who will continue not to watch them? I think the country is pretty tapped out for singers by the way. With The Voice, the new one with Diddy and American Idol again coming out, I think every last person has been given a singing audition. They came to my house the other day and I was like, um, don’t sing, but thanks.

What they need to do is something way more exciting than watching people sing terribly. I think they should do a show called American Idle. One in which, they follow the adventures of people like me who are lazy. Watch just how much goes into being lazy. How you have to have mad skills in avoiding parties. How you have to figure out ingenious ways of not only laying on the couch but staying there. Ways of figuring out how to turn kids into fetchers of things, so you never have to leave the couch.

It’s not easy being idle, and there is a science to it. People like me need to be celebrated by how well we do it. And there needs to be a competition, in which people with no competitive spirit compete to win prizes that help them become more lazy. Things like those chairs that go up and down stairs. Recliners that include refrigerators. Chairs that have showers.

The life.

We need some personalities like Lazy Gaga. You know you want to see this. You know you are tired of watching Amazing Race on TV and feeling like that is something you could never do. You are tired of being out of breath when you watch something on TV. Let’s start this show, and showcase the people that never get their due. The non movers and non shakers of the world that make America great. The ones that actually have the fortitude to go on a vacation and make it a relaxcation.

So I know I’m not hosting it. I will be competing in it. And by competing, I mean letting sitting here like a cursor on a computer screen.

ARRRRGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Idle Ben

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41 thoughts on “American Idle

  1. I so agree with you! No more singing contests, please!! Every single idea that has ever been thought of as “hey, this will look good on TV” has been done. Bring back television test patterns and testing the Emergency Broadcast System. Those have not be re-done and are not in syndication….

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