I used to be a huge fan of Home Improvement. Not my own home, not even close. Like I’ve ever lifted a finger to improve anything. Nope, just a fan of Tim the Tool man who revolutionized the whole “really good at fixing things” but accident prone enough to make it funny. I loved all the cool thematic rooms he would make for men. I mean a men’s bathroom that had a TV and a lazy bowl recliner? I would never have to leave the bathroom.
Anyways, he did this episode that I will never forget. He was having a little trouble with Jill, his wife because he thought she had a bad sense of direction. So he talks to Wilson his trusty neighbor, who always gave him some facts, that Tim proceeds to mess up when he talks to Jill. Anyways, Wilson tells him that the reason why men might have a better direction is because they have more iron in their noses. So Tim tells Jill he is sorry and that the reason why he has a better sense of direction is because he has more iron in his boogers.
Cue the laughs.
Obviously that isn’t true at all. Women have a fantastic sense of direction. Except one big exception. Heard of this woman? Her name is Siri and I don’t think she likes me very much. On top of that, she isn’t very good at listening.
Yesterday, we were trying to go to yet another house that we would either not like or miss out on because we didn’t offer enough, and we hadn’t been there yet. So, we decided to ask the so-called dependable Siri (my wife’s phone. I don’t have the rotten apple with a bite out of it as my phone), who is supposed to solve all our problems, where this house was. So she proceeds to first ignore me. So I say it again. My wife and daughter are laughing at me.
“You have to hold down the button and then wait for the beep.” Oh, so she’s like everyone else huh? You have to wait for their very specific beep before you ask them a question? Alright, so I wait patiently for the beep to come on, and then ask her very politely to show us the correct direction, then as soon as I take my hand off the button, I bitterly tell her she sucks.
Thankfully, I don’t think she heard me. She gives me directions to the town, but somehow thinks I meant the town in NY, only 2142 miles away. Don’t worry though. She assures me it is only a 1 day and 7 hour drive from there. Of course, that is if we don’t take any bathroom, gas or food breaks. Oh, and don’t forget all the traffic we will run into in the plains of Nebraska.
Maybe she did hear me, but decided to direct me to another town out of spite. To be honest, I think she hears everything we say and reports it all to the office of Steve Jobs, where they are listening and recording things to make fun of us.
Actually, they are taking all the information and sharing it with Google so they can do some majorly funny pranks on us. Or just me. I think Siri is probably listening to you all right now, whether you have your hand on the button or not. And she just doesn’t have a sense of direction, so she is just pretending she can’t hear us.
Well, I have to go. My Alexis is telling me it is time to get to work. Can’t disappoint the ladies.
Bitter Directionally Challenged Ben