I have had a long standing relationship with food. Ever since I was a baby I required it. I’m not really sure what it has ever done for me, but for some reason I keep eating it. It is this weird thing like how humans need trees and trees need humans. I’m not sure I believe that. I kind of think trees are trying to kill us, but no one else really sees that. But have you seen all the trees that have fallen on houses, or chopped down power lines because as they claim, “It was a little windy last night. I’m not sure what happened.”
They take down our houses, etc. I mean what have we ever done to trees? Other than chop them down and use them to build our houses, oh and we just ravage forests with forest fires every once in a while, but other than that we are totally symbiotic right?
Moving on from trees abuse of use, people often accuse me of eating funny food. Like for instance, instead of eating a bagel with creme cheese, I like to put a couple of Kraft Singles on it and melt it in the microwave. The other one that baffles people is that I eat peanut butter with butter instead of jelly. I don’t know why the earth loves peanut butter and jelly so much. Jelly is just so slimy. Doesn’t it make you squirm just a lot to eat it?
And yet you people eat fish. And octopus, and sushi. Do you realize that sushi is not cooked fish? Aren’t we always complaining about undercooked food and how it can kill us? And yet people eat this uncooked fish thing all the time. And the noodles. I like noodles when they are Italian. Covered in thick rich sauces. But you guys all want this Pho. And covered in orange chicken sauce. And Terryaki sauce.
The one place that baffles me that people eat all the time is Chik-Fil-A. My life was affected by this place. When I used to live in Seattle, a new store opened up near my freeway exit. For months, there were lines around the block to get in. It is on a hugely busy street that I used to drive home on. And now because some people craved this horrible chicken sandwich, I had to wait an extra 20 minutes in traffic. Stupid Chicken Fila. I’m going to change their billboards to say eat more beef, so they go out of business.
I’ve talked about this one millions of times on my blog, but Subway the sub shop, are the biggest liars on the planet. There is no ingredient in that store that is fresh. Not the pickles, not the mayonnaise, not the beef or the turkey and definitely not the bread. I don’t know what ditch they get their food from, but it is probably whichever one is behind their store. If you want a sub that actually tastes good, and has fresh bread and other ingredients, Jimmy Johns. And the best part, they have like 14 people on the line that make your sandwich before you have a chance to finish your order. It is insane.
One last thing. Pizza is the god of food. I don’t care if it is Pizza Hut with its greasy pizza, Little Ceaser’s for its cheap pizza, or any other brand. If it is pizza, I will eat it. Scratch that. If it is pepperoni pizza, I will eat it. If you add the garden salad on it, or any other kinds of weirdo ingredients, it isn’t pizza. Mic drop. Don’t pick it up. Go away.
Bitter Foodie Ben