I take a lot away from people around me. That includes all those people that read this blog, who are few. I would like to say that I’m kind of the Midas of Bitterness. Everything I touch turns to bitterness. So, of course, that happens to everyone I meet or talk to. In the same way that my son is a Pied Piper of annoying neighborhood kids, I am the Pied Piper of making other people bitter. I wonder if I was created to be extremely introverted and not influential at all among real people that I know (as opposed to all my fake friends of the internet) was a good way of containing the bitterness to my tiny corner of influence.
Anyways, I often think I would be a good thief. I have had many years of practice. Ever since I started my “real” career at the company which shall be called, “The Company that shall not be named”, I’ve woken up way before my wife and kids. I think I prefer that, and they do too. Dad isn’t around to eat breakfast with us, and he isn’t annoying us with his pathetic attempts at trying to stay relevant with pop culture.
My kids love pretending like they don’t know me when I use words like Savage, and extra and other stuff like that. Which is why I use them. Anyways, so this early thing in which I wake up and go to work before they even wake up is how I’ve gotten so exceptional at sneaking around. I am not blind, but I am exceptional at the lay of the lands which I live in.
I can walk around the entire house in the dark, to the point that having light causes me pain, not only to my eyes, but in tripping over things, and bumping my knees on just about everything. I know where every creak is on the floor, the exact angle each door when they start squeaking, and each sound that every electronic device makes and when they will turn on lights. We even have those motion lights in our house and I know the exact distance I can be from each so as to not set them off.
I pretty much would be this confident guy that would walk into a casino that Ocean’s 12 had been working on for months to crack, and would just breeze right through the security like I was walking through a meadow (do meadow even really exist?).
I would really make Brad Pitt and George Clooney made that they didn’t have anyone on their team that did what I did. Then I would sneak pink supersized diamond into their house and give it back to them, just because I could.
Of course, I could be the world’s best thief from all my training, but of course, just like all the other potential I have in all kinds of areas, I am just too lazy. I could get a degree at S.T.E.A.L. (Southwest Thieving Entertainment Academy of Lockpicking), and probably even get on the Dean’s List, but I would forget to turn in my homework and miss out because I “skipped the stealing Porsche” lesson because it was pizza Friday.
Anyways, just watch yourself around me, because not only would I be able to pick your pocket pretty easily, but I would also be able to steal your house. And all your joy too.
Bitter Thief of Joy Ben