After all these years, I still understand nothing.
Over the 5 years I’ve been doing this blog, I’ve learned nothing. Though, I think it is pretty safe to say that no matter what you say, someone will be offended by what you say. You talk about Father’s Day, someone chews you up and spits you out. Talk bad about cats, someone tells you that a cat saved their life and how dare you. Talk about traffic and highways get offended and write you hate mail. Thankfully, I’ve learned to just brush off all the hate mail from highways, even though they wrote some very hurtful things.
So I’m going to go against all the good advice that I’ve ever gotten and talk about the holidays. I, just like most every other human and some animals on the planet, have a family. Some live here, others live other places and some of them are coming here. With families come logistical nightmares. I never got a degree from Fedex University in logistics, so I fail pretty hard when it comes to organizing when, where, why and how adult and children people are supposed to spend two freaking days on a calendar. I used to like Christmas when it was all about me getting lots of presents without having to pay for most of them, and having little guilt about the season being about giving and helping people.
Nowadays, it is all about making sure this person is at this house, and this family member is at this event and who is picking up this person at this airport.
Do you think they sell these at Dome Depot?
It is my Christmas wish that instead of being home for the holidays, we get a dome for the holidays, in which we all get mini domes implanted over our heads, and we get to see things transpire (if we want. darkened domes available for a little extra), but we won’t be able to hear others. Of course, the dome is soundproof, so we don’t need to worry about hearing that person yell at us. That way when we get that extra large TV, tablet, phone, video game or console or new whatever, we can enjoy it quietly, and without bitterruption.
I mean, isn’t that what the holiday stands for anyway? Peace on earth and good wifi for all men?
Here’s to you and yours that you may have all the Silent Nights you’ve been singing about.
ARRRGGGHHHHHH
Bitter Dome for the Holidays Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
Ben, I come here because I like the way your brain works. Seeing the world as filtered through your whatever the opposite of rose-colored glasses is what I come for. You have a unique take that appeals to my sense of the absurd.
And now, a completely bland, inoffensive holiday greeting: HAPPY WINTER SOLSTICE!
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Oh my gosh, just offend me so I can be bitter about it. Winter solstice. Why would anyone want to celebrate winter? I think having these holidays at the end of the year are so we can be depressed in January instead of December.
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Made me think of this – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmRAiUPdRjk
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I’ll watch that later.
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But you can like…see into it…
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Yeah, but you can make fun of people outside of it. And they can’t hurt you. So, a great torture device.
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Is the dome like Maxwell Smart’s cone of silence?
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Mine is called the cone of bitterness.
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I love the idea of a cone of bitterness, where we can let it all out, then spread it to the world when I do.
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When I saw “dome” in the title, I thought it was about you going bald. I have quite the admiration for bald guys (my husband is notably sparse up top). Your hide inside a dome idea has merit, but I think I would prefer to have others trapped safely in soundproof domes, well out of my sound and hearing. If all the right people were in their domes, I would not need one of my own. And this is where I have to “give to others” thing down pat! See what I did there?
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See how nice you are? I actually am working on a dome pretty soon. It should be complete in a few years when my daughter turns 16.
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So you can be especially intimidating to her boyfriends. There’s something about a chrome dome.
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Oh you better believe that boyfriends will be running and hiding when they come around for her. I’m thinking I’ll let die around the time she is still living with us when she is 28.
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If she lives at your house long enough, you may be begging the boys to date her.
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She will just hang out in her room not bothering me. It’s the boy that is always giving me grief. He will be given the keys to an apartment on his 18th birthday. And a bill for rent at that apartment.
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Can I just put the dome over my computer so that I can’t see all the unmerry things on the internet?
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Yep, they have this new blocker thing where you don’t see anything offensive on your computer. It’s called an off switch.
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I’d lend you the dome I live in, but then I might have to see and hear things happening in the real world. So instead, I’ll wish you a calm, unoffensive, generic Happy Holidays, and a few moments of peace and quiet in the midst of it all. 🙂
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I don’t get quiet because I’m either at work, home, or playing loud video games. And my dreams are quite loud too.
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I find this post extremely offensive. Just kidding. I bowed out of Christmas this year. Fuck it. Thanks for sharing, it’s not all candy canes and whatever for everyone ❤
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I find it quite offensive too. I don’t really like candy canes much, so I can’t see how they are a good thing.
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