My Bitter Exotic Travel

My favorite yoga pose.

My favorite yoga pose.

Judging by all the things I’ve been talking about doing lately, you probably think I’ve been working really hard. You know, like sitting in the stands watching football, or sitting in class pretending to pay attention with my eyes closed. Or sitting in a study area, pretending to type papers, or sitting in our van driving our kids to do stuff, or sitting on the train pretending that I’m working on an Instagram data analysis assignment, or sitting in the grocery cart while my wife tries to find a space in there for actual groceries.

If you just read all of those things, without falling asleep you probably noticed I sit a lot. All the time. Or so you would think. What you don’t know is that I have been doing a lot of traveling. All over the place. It isn’t the kind of vacation you would enjoy. But then again, would you enjoy any kind of vacation I did?

They've never met my life.

They’ve never met my life.

No, I haven’t been going to South Dakota and visiting all the flat, smelly, dirty farmlands. I haven’t been to Arkansas to visit some boring forest, or the long stretch of highway between El Paso and San Antonio. I haven’t been to any boring forests, or deserts or lost in any mountains. Nope.

I’ve been traveling in between tabs on my computer. Normally getting someplace far away is super slow. Even if you are taking a supersonic jet, it’s going to take 3.4 hours to get from NYC to London. Even if you take the take the bullet train from Tokyo to Kyoto it is going to take you 2 hours and 49 minutes. And that is in a country the size of California. And do you know how long it takes to get from my mailbox to the front door? Like an hour! Well, less if you are an ant.

Look how fast I travel. Faster than a speeding locomotive.

Look how fast I travel. Faster than a speeding locomotive.

So when I can travel between tabs on my computer in less than a second, I bet you are pretty jealous. You shouldn’t be, because while I can travel pretty fast, it’s mostly so I can get confused at almost the speed of light. I can go from doing a paper that I couldn’t find any sources for, to a spreadsheet that has so much data, I could go swimming in it until it ended and swim around the universe four times and still just be Michael Phelps just landing in the pool for the 8 million meter race. (I’m guessing it would be hard to find water in Jupiter, because they are so stupider.) It’s really awesome because I can partially complete, but never finish things really fast.

You think swimming in data is fun? Just wait until you get to take a flight over to the Facebook Blueprint Land. It’s like traveling around the world to different locations only to see the same exact landmarks in every single locations. It was super fun learning about Ad Sets, Instagram Carousel ads, and Facebook Pixels, the first time, but after the 20th time I think they might have made their point. It’s like that annoying friend that asks you if you’ve ever heard their boring story about their dog and you say yes, and they tell you about it again anyways.

Me swimming in data. I'm the one in the raft.

Me swimming in data. I’m the one in the raft.

And the reading. Like I thought since I proved in third grade, I wouldn’t have to keep doing it. And why are we learning about how social media helps companies? I thought I was just learning the best things to tweet and the best angles for having my wife take selfies of me. Why do I care how social media helps companies?

Anyways, I would tell you that surfing tabs was as fun as surfing the internet, but I would be lying to you. And while I do like lying to you about all kinds of things, this is one of the few I’m good with the truth on. You know, because the truth actually helps you understand how dumb this stupid tab traveling vacation is.


Bitter Tab Travel Ben


26 thoughts on “My Bitter Exotic Travel

  1. I’m glad you finally got out, we were a little bit worried about you. You know, traveling through tabs is great, but what about traveling through time? Think about traveling back in time to last week, think of all the sitting you could get done back then! That’s an entire extra week of sitting! Or travel further back in time! Imagine going to all the unsolved mysteries of history and just sitting there! You’re welcome.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It would be nice to be able to travel through time, but I think I would be a little exhausted from all those years taken from me. On the other hand, I could meet my young self and tell him to start a bitter blog much sooner and save me all the work of doing it now. Make young Bitter Ben do all the work.

      Liked by 1 person

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