It’s been a long time coming, but the 8000th lunatic has finally followed my blog. Congratulations to you, The Secret Shopper blog for becoming the 8000th follower. Because you are the 8000th, you have won a new car. It should be arriving in your parking lot in a few days. The only problem is that because you are a secret shopper finding all the best customer service in the island of Ireland, my team of prize hander outer’s can’t seem to find out your real identity, because alas, you are a secret. I guess that’ll teach you to start a blog, become a secret shopper, follow me for some reason, then never post anything again.
You could have had the guy from TV showing up at your Irish door, asking, “Do you remember signing up for a bitter blog in American? Cause we have a bunch of balloons, a huge check and a car we just stole from a used call lot that we are going to park in your driveway. We do have a few stipulations though. First, you will have to pay all the taxes and licensing on this $100,000 car. Second, you need to find the keys for this, because we don’t have them. And third, the owner of the site that gave this car to you doesn’t have any money, so you will need to pay for the car right now. And if you can’t our security guys, Arnold S. and Sylvester S. have something they want to show you out in your shed.”
“Oh, and also you need to pay for these balloons that we got at Party City. We will need your credit card info because we reserved the tank in your name. So congrats on your win, The Secret Shopper Blog, you have some luck (what kind, I’m not really sure of).”
On to more bitter matters. You know how I now have to go to school and do stuff? Like on Facebook and Instagram and Twitter, and Pinterest and stuff? Well, I’m going to need all of you to do favors for me from time to time. Because I know how bitter you all are, and I will probably have to do stuff for you someday.
First thing I’m going to need you all to do is follow my new Instagram account called The Sports Emotionalist. It is for a class and I am supposed to get followers for it and if I don’t I will be not only fired from the class, but from life. And you all know how much you don’t want me to incur my bitter wrath on you. You’ve seen how posts I’ve done in the past have ruined lives and horrified people. So just do it, or I will find you all, just like Liam Neeson did in Taken. And also Taken 2, The More Taken. And Taken 3, I Can’t Believe She Was Taken Again, if I recall correctly. Get my Tokyo Drift, The Fast and the Furious? And if I recall correctly, I now have 8000 followers, so I expect that in a matter of 24 hours, I will be having 8000 followers on my new Instagram account, The Sports Emotionalist.
So recap. The Secret Shopper Blog won the car, as well as the bill for the tax, title and licensing as well as the whole bill for the car. Congrats!
And you all won the opportunity to follow my new Instagram account, suckers, or incur the wrath of the Neeson where I find you and make you push a button. Got it? And if you don’t have an Insta account, you have my permission to sign up for one just for this project. Kapish?
Alright so The Sports Emotionalist.
Bitter Better Do What I say Ben